Narcissist And The Last Match…

I’m done crying and I am done trying. I am done listening to the narcissist’s constant spew of ever flowing lies. It’s making more and more sense.. The lies, the twisting and the debilitating way he preys on my kindness and understanding with no remorse, guilt or admission. He moves on to his next victim as he entertains and dances his grandiose version only he thinks of himself and which he tries to portray to his children and closest enablers. The selfishness in hurting your own children in this manor should be an act punishable by law. It clearly is child endangerment, mental harm and setting them up for a life of disillusion, confusion and trauma and ultimately recovery or a life of hell.

Yet nothing will be done. They will fall through the cracks of our intensely messed up society and continue a life long trail of harm. Because there is ALWAYS another victim to replace you. Always.

Ultimately a breech of contract within our own ten commandments surly punishable for an after life in hell with their father, Lucifer.

How does one wrap their head around this calculated and masterminded torture that starts from the very moment you fall for their false persona? How does one make sense of this? Educate yourself, take a look at yourself and if you see you are always hurting in your relationship with occasional bouts of happiness with someone. If you keep changing to make things work yet it’s never enough and there is always a higher bar, always just out of reach and never acknowledged. If you are a positive and optimistic person who is pulled down constantly by their negativity. If  you find yourself believing in their potential more than they do, yet that doesn’t come to light until they no longer can suck anymore  life out of you or when they see you’re catching on and standing up for yourself. Then, you are no longer any good to them and they will leave you. Then you look back and you see it’s been years in the making. You wonder how in the hell all of this happened?

It happens because you are a kind, loving, emotional, giving and positive human being with a soul. That’s why they seek you out. If you lived in a toxic environment growing up infused with alcoholism, mental and physical abuse you are a target. Don’t second guess yourself. Ever. You are the target. It will change your life more than you could ever even possibly visualize or fathom. Until the day the relationship ends and you see how quickly they move on to the next victim as though you are absolutely nothing to them.

They get you to go through a phase where you are trying to explain how you know what’s happening, you bargain to work with a counselor because you dove in so deep educating, trying to find a reason for the constant chaos, then you realize it was their plan all along. They sense your coming to terms and they start to retreat. They surround themselves in the company of their enablers and reclaim their pedestal. Abandoning you. If you’ve been set up over a long period of time you may be so invested, financially it will take everything in your power to be released from their grip. You can and you will. You are fighting for your life now.

Life shattering.

This is the only way I can explain this new found information. How it all comes together to  make perfect sense in it’s true timing. Do not and I repeat DO NOT think poorly of yourself for falling into this awful trap. It’s extremely deceiving and you really are being preyed on for your gift of empathy, your caring, honest and loving personality. DO NOT change this about yourself! Be single until you have dealt with the damage, processed and moved forward from it. You need to make sure you don’t fall for this again! I see all of the red flags looking backwards now.. I see all of the “hooks” he used to keep me constantly hoping for a partnership and family life. It would never happen this I have now learned.

I will not allow myself to be in this type of relationship ever  again. That means my eyes are wide open, my lessons have been learned and I will conquer my past blind mistakes. I am using my pain to push me forward.  I am finally standing up for myself. I was traumatized throughout my childhood and into my adult years by my own blood. I trusted in them to not hurt me. I learned from a very young age and by their teachings on what love is..

THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!

This is what you do. You pick yourself back up, you dust yourself off and straighten that crown! You distance yourself as much as possible from them. Mark my words, if you don’t, they will pull you back in and play off your emotions, trust, heartbreak and pain. They are testing their boundaries with you. They will lie to you, they will guilt you and they make you feel like they want the same out of the relationship. When in fact they don’t want anywhere near the same as you. They are so emotionally dead inside they are not able or capable to love. They are so weak and damaged and they will never ever do anything to change it! They are content moving from one victim to the next and never having to face their demons. They will never see their wrongdoings nor will they ever fully admit to them. I fell for the partial smoke screen admittance, don’t do it! They will eat you alive if you let them.

Physically, I can feel the burning flames and see the clouds of smoke, smoldering around me that I am left and abandoned in and struggling to breathe. Holding onto my children for dear life, giving them any ounce of oxygen I have left to give. He casually walks away, as if to have thrown the final match, never once turning back for even a glimpse. A glimpse would mean he has feelings, emotion or empathy. He is dead inside. He has not an ounce of emotion for others let alone for himself. It’s “His way or the highway.” He walks away from the burning flames and into the arms of the new embers he has so delicately and meticulously cared for in preparation to throwing that final match.

He goes on, never looking back and never having any regrets…for now.

 

Remember this…

Actions truly speak louder than words. And this goes for ourselves and others.

Everything we think we have stuffed or buried within ourselves or ran from will catch up to us…one day it will ALL catch up!

 

 

 

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The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.

 

 

 

 

The Protector And Advocate…

So how am I supposed to support my son when I know the negativity he will be around with his father and his fathers side of the family. Within the first two minutes of my ex picking up our son today, our son was faced with immediate negativity. Our son was packing his backpack to take some toys with to his fathers house. He  wanted to put  a balloon that we got yesterday at the old car show into his backpack when instantly his father said, “You’ll never fit that in there.” I instantly said, “Yes, he will.” Guess what? Our son fit it in there. What the ex doesn’t understand is how his negativity wears off onto the children. My ex doesn’t see this to be a problem so he won’t change it.

Our thirteen year old lives with my ex due to his anxiety which is caused by being a child of an alcoholic. He has to always be around his dad and know his every move or he freaks out.  His father thinks it’s because he’s such a great father and our son is just really in love with him.  I’ve already noticed so many times how it has effected him. Like the times our son searched through his fathers things to find cocaine because he knew he was doing it. He always found it. The first thing out of his mouth is always no, you can’t do that, that’s impossible. Never anything positive and I think it’s really important to watch this type of behavior around children. They are sponges, they will start acting out these negative behaviors, they already do. I guess with children I feel they can be helped. Adults are already so damaged and weak they would continue to live this way rather than putting in the work to change and become healthy, to deal with the excruciating pain they have stuffed down deep inside. Children still have a chance to understand and work through the issues.

You’re probably wondering why I allow my son to live with his father. My son is thirteen, he doesn’t want to change school districts and leave all of his friends. I wouldn’t want to either it makes for an extremely tough transition meeting completely new friends at this age. Another issue is that my son needs therapy to understand what is happening by being a child of an alcoholic, he needs help understanding that the anxiety will lessen if he is no longer in such a chaotic environment.

He needs to know that there are many different things making him feel the way that he does. His father has deep rooted issues and his way is not healthy and it does affect the children. This is why I am making sure I don’t back down to making sure my boys are taken care of in the healthiest way possible. I was terrified during our divorce and after due to the intimidation my ex and his mother put me through. Not this time.

Autism And Kindergarten…

My son is five years old and technically should be starting kindergarten this coming fall. My son also happens to have an Autism diagnosis along with developmental delays and sensory processing disorder. We have been doing as much therapy as we can possibly fit into our lives and it is making a world of a difference yet socially we aren’t where I had hoped to be at the start of kindergarten. My son meets every Monday, well now every other Monday for a social skills group to help him understand common social cues and social situations with peers his age. Most people who look at my son or see him briefly wouldn’t think he struggles in this area  yet he does and severely.

As his mother my desire for him to be mainstreamed in school is a goal and an option I want him to have. I feel by him being around neurotypical children he will learn so much. I also know he will struggle emotionally and that is what I am trying to limit or to protect him from as best as I possibly can. It’s been a real struggle for me in deciding which school he is going to attend, trying to get all the paperwork in to get our IEP set in place and continuing his therapy at St. David’s.

Today when we were waiting for our therapist my son was playing on a mat with cars. He said. “I want to be red! ” And I said, ” Ok! I’ll be…” and just then another boy, whom he’s familiar with and has worked with, came up and grabbed the red car and joined us. Now that instantly made my son shut down, bow his head and become extremely sad and disengaged. He looked up at me and softly said, “I wanted red.” then bowed his head back down in disappointment again.

You see my son does not comprehend these situations like most. It has taken over a year of therapy for him to be able to voice his wants and needs. This comes natural for most. Not my son, he has worked tremendously hard to get where he is at right now. He no longer shuts down completely, I can get him to reengage within minutes verses shutting down completely and not returning to what it was that upset or hurt him. We have made amazing progress yet we still have a ways to go. And looking at the long term I have decided it is in his best interest given his needs of improving his social skills, having to complete a full and functional IEP and having an upcoming move, that it is in the best interest of my son to wait until next fall, when he is six years old to start kindergarten.

This is where his father and grandmother come in. They do not understand my sons diagnosis, they have not been active in his therapy or active in his care. They do not feel Autism is “as big of a deal” as “I am making it.” In their words.

His Grandmother said this to me, “Autism isn’t standing in your way. He will be in school next September. He is not limited with his issues.”

Really?

I’m not sure what planet she’s on?! 

I’d say my son is limited by his condition and that is the reason I have done so much to educate myself and the reason I’ve tried my hardest to inform and educate anyone who has interaction with my son. My son has worked unbelievably hard to get where he is right now and it is  down right an insult to his hard work and my continued hard work and support for him.

And they wonder why I’m making the decisions for my son..

Now you add in the fact we will now have another year under our belt of social skills therapy, we will have enough time to secure a proper IEP in place along with permanently living in the school district and not having to move after he’s already started kindergarten. I’d say that is a very thought out plan. And a plan that is solely based on the best interest of my son and his needs.

Yet, they will never see that…

,

 

Ex Mother In-Law…

So my ex-husband text me asking to take our son, who is five and autistic, on vacation four hours away for a week. Now most people would be just fine with this. I am not. I am not for the wellbeing and for the best interest of my son. My son has therapy the day they wanted to leave with him and he also has therapy the following day. Now I explained to my ex the reasons I do not feel it is safe for my son, and yes I use “my” because since the day he was born I do 200% of his care, to be away for that amount of time.

My ex has never had my son overnight without me in his entire life. When my ex has had him for longer than three hours something is always an issue and my son tells me when he gets home. He has a brother who has major behavior issues and when he acts up it effects my youngest. My youngest complained that Dad didn’t stop the older son and it hurt his feeling and it made him scared when they were yelling. I have seen first hand and my older child was always told if he wanted us over he needed to stop the behavior or we would leave. Sometimes his behavior changed for the better and we stayed, other times it became worse and we would leave. Now mind you during all of the confrontations my ex wouldn’t say a word and if he did it would be him swearing and yelling at our older son.

I have been to the cabin they use up north and I have been there to first hand witness how grandma allows the children to drink alcohol as does my ex. These kids are all underage. Now this year my step son is the only one of the kid of age to drink. Previous years I have seen my volatile ex brother in law drinking and freaking out at any given moment. I have seen my ex drinking with the kids. He acts like he is one of their friends and he is back in high school.

I’ve witnessed constantly how drinking delays dinner and usually it’s burnt or over done due to lack of judgement by either my ex or his brother because they are intoxicated. I’ve witnessed my niece who has more issues than a treatment center start some sort of drama that grandma jumps in to save the day or enable.

I actually left for a day with my son because it was all so overwhelming to be around them and the tension was causing my son so much stress we had to get out and do something away from all of them.

I realized after reading this I had not finished writing! ugh, that tells you exactly where my mind has been lately!

So I declined to have my son go with his father and his grandmother up north because I don’t feel it’s in the best interest for my son nor is it in the best interest of his safety. His father didn’t put up much of an argument yet his grandmother felt the need to ask me through Facebook messenger. She felt the need to tell me how I need to think of them and their wants. Not once mentioning Keagan’s needs or best interest. I decided it was best to not entertain her and I have not been responding to her messages bullying me. I don’t think she will ever understand and I absolutely am not the one to be able to have her understand. There is far to much hatred from her to me. She would never fully listen or understand.

My son has a medical diagnosis of Autism. She refuses to believe he is not what some would consider “normal” when really what is the idea of normal anyhow? The problem is she refuses to believe he needs the added help and therapy. She chooses to make this about me and that  I’m going “overboard” with his treatment and care. Her idea is, “He’s going to school in the fall.” so he’s just fine. She has no idea what it takes and has taken to get him to school. In that I mean the struggles I have faced and continue to face. Do I mainstream my son? Will he do alright? Will the kids break him and discourage his amazing desire to achieve and be the brightest light in the room? He gets so upset when he doesn’t understand social situations and this hurts him. He retreats. He doesn’t understand. Mom and his therapists are the ones to teach him coping skills, to give him the love I need to as a mother.

It’s not just as simple as signing him up for kindergarten for he or I.  Especially when his father is threatening to stop paying for where we live, knowing I can’t afford it, which is also very scary. I have less than a month to figure out school. I have to consider therapy, IEP meetings, transportation, care before and after school. I have to find a new place for us to start making memories, a new place that is scary for not just myself but for my son. Change isn’t a strong area for him as he is greatly attached to people, places and items. All of these things that neither his father or grandmother even consider. They have not been a part of his care at all. They hardly see him and they have so much hatred towards me. All I am concerned for is my sons continued therapy and his wellbeing. I’ve also learned to focus on my health and my happiness. No longer letting those who aren’t involved try to harden me.

It would be nice if people in this situation would truly put my son’s best interest, happiness and wellbeing first. Because that is truly the only thing that matters…My son.

 

Thoughts, Time And Realizations..

I wake up each day feeling like this nightmare isn’t true. As my eyes slowly open and my mind ever so instantaneously relives the previous day and I realize  that, it in fact wasn’t a nightmare, it really is my life.

Any thought of what was and what is lost brings an instant lump in my throat and the tears well up until they no longer can be held back. I let the tears flow as somehow I hope it will bring peace in time. The weight on my chest feels as though I’m carrying around an elephant most times. I understand now how it got to this point, the point of spending almost twenty-two years with a man, married, divorced and raised four boys together. It’s gone. He is gone. No communication, unless it is an occasional text by him, requesting to pick our five year old up for literally a few hours. It’s as though I never even existed. No closure, no final discussion on the end of an extremely massive part of my life.I am learning we don’t always get the closure we had hoped for. It just ends. Yet the heartache, the loss and the pain continue.

I took my son to get a haircut yesterday and while waiting for him a gentleman started talking with me then suddenly asked if I was married. “No, divorced”  I replied. To his “delight” he replied, “So am I!” He said, “You seem nice, do you mind if I give you my number?  I took his number out of pure politeness when honestly, I can’t even right now. I feel like the biggest mess emotionally I can’t even think of considering dating yet. I also know that unless I am 200% attracted to someone I may as not even waste their time or mine, this I know. I honestly think it’s going to be quite along time before I process all I have been through. Maybe, just maybe, once the lump in my throat and the tears that well up subside, maybe then I’ll even be able to consider dating.

Until then, I am focusing on my son and his needs. I am writing to slowly work though my feelings and the excruciating pain I feel right now. I will continue to find my way through the murky unknown territory until one day I am at peace.

I wrote the above paragraphs earlier this morning and as the day progressed so did the weight of the pain, isolation and feelings of abandonment set in deeper. I literally had such an awful childhood of never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Not at either of my divorced parents houses. I never fit in with their new wife/husband and their new children.

As an adult what was my family slowly disappeared and everyone went their own ways. The day my mother died was by far the worst day ever. I lost her whole side of the family which was quite a large family. They just stopped communicating and getting together after she died. My fathers side of my family was actually pretty small. Yet even that side vanished over time. A few years ago  my father and I had a falling out which he decided to not talk to me for over a year. I was so heartbroken by his stubbornness that our relationship was lost. My own father.

We recently tried to have a relationship again and almost instantly he felt the need to tell me what to do as a 42 year old grown woman. He didn’t agree with something I posted on my social media site and he posted in my comments, “Get that shit off of there!” Really? Since  when does his difference of opinion mean I need to “obey” him otherwise I  suffer the consequences of his shitty behavior? I am sorry but I will not allow being treated that way even if it is by my own father.

I’ve learned from one of my sisters from my fathers second marriage, that he was always like this with them, never with me. So I never had seen this side of my father in my younger years. So honestly it was quite shocking as an adult to have him treat me this way. So pretty much every male in my life has treated me awfully. And as I go through my adult years and voicing my feelings instead of stuffing them to please the other person, I am literally losing everyone in my life. If I have ever felt alone, now is the time I feel completely alone. Abandoned is how I feel and it’s devastating at this age. I never have had any really close friends growing up, always people I know and talk with occasionally, yet not a close network of friends especially close friends who I still hang out with. If it wasn’t for social media I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. That’s sad.

I feel like I’ve lost everyone who ever mattered and I also am realizing everyone I am losing has been so extremely toxic to me yet that is all I have known. All of my life people have been toxic and that was starting with my own family. So it’s not wonder the thing I’ve wanted most is a husband who would love and support me, respect me and never leave. I wanted to raise a family that enjoyed being a family, yet ours is just as dysfunctional as they come. I’ve lost twenty-two years of trying to build our family to have it instantly vanish to nothing. No more holidays, no more family getting together, no more birthday parties, no more family vacations.. Maybe it was the idea

No wonder I am so lost right now…

No wonder my heart hurts so incredibly bad..

At forty-two years old, how do you start completely over? With nothing? Literally nothing.

I realize I’ve made poor choices and it took me far to long to realize their impact. I know moving forward what I will not accept in a relationship yet it’s so gut wrenching to know that I just lost twenty-two years. It takes time to build a solid relationship and I have lost so much time. That is the scary truth.

Everything has been going considerably smoothly until yesterday. My ex asked if he could take our son up north, for what I am assuming is a week, as that is what we have done in years past. I have been alright with him picking our son up, taking him swimming for three hours at his mothers home, then driving him back home a few times in the past two months. I have been alright with this because I know he is not drinking. He can’t drink and drive his truck because he recently just got the Alco sensor put back in his truck for the next three years. Which means he can not have any alcohol to start his vehicle. But guess what? He’s going to put the Alco sensor in his Jeep one he gets the whiskey plates of the cars that are in his name, which is all of our cars. That way the state thinks his primary vehicle has it in it and he can have a few and drive his suburban. Beat the system once again. I am absolutely shocked how he always flies right through the system with all  of these violations. He’s a charmer and looks so clean cut and together along with his mommas money he’s yet to actually pay a consequence worthy. He still feels the state is in the wrong and he never should have gotten the B Card the state issued him. In our state, a B Card means no alcohol, ever for the rest of your life. Not even communion. Nada. Zilch.

It’s damn fitting and deserving if you ask me. It just needs to be enforced and not let go every time for whatever reason. Money, pretty sure that’s what does it for him.

Anyhow…

My ex has been paying for our townhome for the past three years along with “my truck” that is titled and loaned in his name. Which he bought for me after the miscarriage. He had me give my paid off truck to his friend. He also has been paying our cable and internet  so my son can watch all of his shows.

I did have a career of thirteen years that I lost due to a major car accident on the way to our divorce hearing. Yup, you read that correct! I am lucky to be here today according to the paramedics that day. Two years after I had to have a four level cervical fusion in my neck and five years later I wore out the lower part of my fusion just by living and moving. I live in constant pain since that moment I was in the accident. I need more surgery yet it will only wear out in a short amount of time and completely restrict my movement which is already compromised. For all of you wondering why I’m not able to afford all of the above. I am guessing I will  be on disability sooner than one would prefer. Yet I have been so consumed with my son and his treatment I have not taken the time to deal with my medical issues to the extent I need to. I do get steroid injections that when they work, or I’m given the correct procedure, it gives some relief and keeps me out of the ER with pain.

Now I do use the internet I will say that. But after we broke it off he said he will continue to pay the rent “for awhile” now that I am forever grateful for. What I am not appreciative of is his using it as a form of control. Because I am not comfortable with our son suddenly spending the night with him, for days away and hours away he sent this message to me yesterday.

“If I am going to continue to pay for you to live, rent, truck and cable. I will see my son.”

Now I told him my concerns for our son. First, he hasn’t had him overnight at all. Second, our son has not been away from me even overnight except one time when we took a vacation and when he was much younger and long before learning of his having Autism. Third, my ex and his family have not been a part of my sons therapy and care at all, not one bit.

They don’t understand how he works, what triggers he has, how to help him or support him. He is so attached to me he would have a very difficult time being away from me for that long. Especially in an environment such as this. I feel this is an extreme stressor for my son and I won’t allow it. I also know that they all drink heavily when on any vacation. The last time I was up there it was a disaster and Keagan and I couldn’t wait to get back home and away from their chaos. I do not trust my ex to take care of our son plain and simple. The way he acts, how he picks at me or the kids for his own sick entertainment,  what he allows, how he talks are always so inappropriate when he is drinking, no child should be around that behavior. The cousins along with my step son and son, who are all under 21 years old, were allowed by my ex and his mother, their grandmother, to drink. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes. This family is so delusional and if I say or do anything against what they feel I am being a bitch, I’m to emotional, I think to much. Bullshit. I am a responsible parent who wants better for my children and I’m fighting a battle I could never win with them as there are far more of them who are sick and only me.

I told my ex I will gladly set up an appointment with a mediator and he said,

“I’m not going to a mediator there is no need, you should work with me. You think I like paying $2000.00 a month? He should be able to have fun and enjoy his family! Ask him I bet he would want to go!”

I am sorry, I am not asking my five year old if he wants to go, of course it sounds fun, yet he has no idea what it entails on his well being and safety. Here again is where I feel like I am dealing with a two year old when talking to my ex. I am a parent and first and foremost it is my job to protect my children. I have a thirteen year old son who is so incredibly messed up and anxiety ridden due to his fathers drinking and his father boasts at how much this boy loves and adores him, how he is connected to his hip at all time. Just sickening. Our son feels the need to take care of his father. Check out children of alcoholics, you’ll see it’s not love, it’s a very unhealthy relationship. Yet you can’t tell him that because in his eyes and his mothers eyes, he is a perfect Daddy.

I don’t think that a person who you just spent twenty-two years with and raised four children with really cared about you, or the children for that matter, would purposefully cause immediate fear and stress of just stopping paying without no notice. What human would intentionally cause this to people who he supposedly loved? It’s so hard to wrap my head around. Probably because I am not that type of person.

Even with all of the awful things he and his mother have said and done towards me, for him at least, I find sadness for him. I’ve known the man for twenty-two years, I know with out a doubt he’s hurt. Yet for him the only way to deal with feelings is by stuffing them so deep, as though they never happened and drink to numb himself. I bet over half his life he can’t even remember details about because he was so intoxicated for so many things.

Today social media reminded me it was four years ago I went in alone for my ultrasound to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It wasn’t there…

While my sons therapist was here tonight I was able to leave for two hours which is nice to have respite care for myself  twice a week. I went to caribou coffee then I went tanning. When I came out I sat in the parking lot for a little bit and I realized it’s slowly sinking in.

How horrific he and his mother treated me when we found out I was pregnant and telling me at thirty-eight years old to have an abortion. Not being supportive while I grieved the loss of my child and just acting as though not saying anything to me for awhile would make it all go away. I remembered when our son, who is five years old now, was born he had to stay in the hospital for nine days and I stayed every day and night with him. One night the guest room had been booked so I didn’t have a place to stay that night, I had told my ex about this and because I didn’t have a car there I needed him to come and get me. At this point it was actually time for me to get away from the hospital for a little bit as it was wearing on me. Well I called him and guess what? He was so drunk watching hockey with a longtime friend over he couldn’t come and get me.

Really?

I remember sitting in the tiny pharmacy awaiting my pain medications, feeling so uncomfortable, sore, mentally exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster  of my newborn baby struggling the first week of his life, him not gaining weight fast enough, my missing my other children and wanting to go home so badly at that moment. I cried so hard because when I called him I could hear it in his voice how drunk he was.. Thank goodness after telling the nurses in the NICU what I was dealing with they made sure I got a room. How thoughtless, rude and selfish of him to treat me that way literally days after having his child and being the one who was dealing with everything in the hospital, he left me to do it alone. Jerk.

As angry as I get and as hurt as I am I always hoped he would want us more and he would do “so well” for short spans and I would be so happy and then it would start over again. Just an awful cycle. I wish he was strong enough, willing enough and had the desire to have our relationship and our family. I always believed in him. I always had hope for him. I always supported him when he was depressed by his actions.

It never was enough..

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling defeated at this thing called life..

I am at the point of wondering how I got myself where I am at in this rollercoaster life…or why am I here.  I apparently feel that love, happiness, family, compassion, understanding, excitement, trust, appreciation and respect are things that should be in all relationships yet I can’t recall any relationships that have been built with the above. I honestly feel so alone and sad at the lack of these things in my life. I had an awful childhood..who didn’t?..yet it just keeps rolling over into everything else in my life and I’m damn sick of it.  So if any of you have followed me you know I had gone a full year without any contact from my father..you know what? That sure changes things a whole hell of a lot! I don’t desire a relationship with him because of that..that side of my family..I have nothing in common with and no real attatchment any longer. My Mothers side..well let’s just say once she died so did they..I was the only child from my mom and dad so as far as siblings go..I only have one of four I am in occasional contact with given we all went our own ways. I think about it and on my Fathers side I wasn’t the one to seperate us as a family..last year when they all went on a family vacation I found it extremely hurtful I wasn’t even included and later to find out they talked about asking me..I never was asked so that’s where that went..I shouldn’t have expected anything less as I was treated as an outsider from the day their family was created. 

Then comes my marriage/divorce relationship..the hear and now of it is I am tired, exhausted and plain and simple lonely in a loveless relationship..I can’t tell if it’s him having (undiagnosed) Aspberger’s that is the biggest problem or the combination of that, the drinking and the money/control..I think it’s all playing a part of my exhaustion quite frankly.. We just returned from a family vacation..what a disfuction.  Kids under age allowed to drink/smoke pot, our 12yr old..who had chosen to stay with dad when I moved out, is unbelieveable..swearing constantly arguing constantly not taking his medication because dad won’t inforce it and I am in utter disgust at how he is turning out..no respect and thinks he can do whatever he feels..well he does because that’s what dad allows..my 18yr old just grabs a beer and when I asked him what he was doing he said, “I don’t think a couple is a big deal!” Yet he knows I CLEARLY DO NOT APPROVE..hence I didn’t see him do again..at least he respected that from what I could tell the rest of the time.. 

I sat on the deck watching them all and it really hit me how sad I am as a mother my two children have chosen to be at their dads..neither call and check in with me nor do they stay over anymore..why would you when you get a credit card for anything and everything you want? When you can drink in the shed with friends and girls and dad allows it..heaven forbid I bring that up to thier father..I’m just being a bitch about it all and he sees nothing wrong with it..coming from a man who just lost his license due to a “B” card violation…which he’s going to court this week for..yet hasn’t talked one word to me about..whole two and a half hour car ride with maybe ten words said to eachother..the only time he made any attempt at showing any affection towards me was when he woke up because his dog woke him up..and heaven help me to go into what an awful dog he has raised…he decided to wake me up at 7am..after 18yrs he knows not to wake me up at that time..for sex..when I woke up crabby he said it was for me..yeah..no you are being your selfish self again and your only looking to satisfy yourself..that didn’t end well..so needless to say later that morning when our diagnosed Autistic son didn’t want to wear his lifejacket down to the beach..which is a no bend rule..he has to always wear it..and never bucks it..until dad goes along with it..then I come down and make him put it on…guess who is the bad guy..this mom right here..our son yelled he hated me over and over for making him put it on when dad didn’t…when I got upset with dad and told him he needs to back me up I was told to shut the fuck up…yeah that’s because he didn’t get laid so now I get struggles and attitude the rest of the day..fabulous.

Now bring work into it and we have a full shitshow completion..so I work in a bar as a bartender..we just were made to go through certification on “safe serving”..then we have an issue of a manager and a waitress (two others involved) with serving known (all friends) minors..may I say we have failed two stings thus far and NOT on my watch! ..so no one wants to tell the boss and it gets told to me then I have a situation where the waitresses involved were working on my shift..I thought something was going on so I checked into it..the boss thinking they were possibly serving minors so he jumps up and checks everyones ID’s…at this time I make it clear to these waitresses I know what has gone on and it’s NOT happening on my shift! The one freaks out and rats out the manager and another waitress for serving two different minors..one being her boyfriend..the next day manager in said incident text me telling me to stay out if it she will take care of it..now we have a long running butting heads..she has got to be one of the worst managers I’ve yet to see in the industry…it’s always something..but the day she had me suspended for something off the clock put me at the end of dealing with any of her shit anylonger…long story short boss paid me for time missed plus extra and her and I just steer clear of eachother..all is good.  Well after this last incident and once she text me starting shit I had enough and explained to my boss what was going on because I respect him and I know that once he did find out..if he ever would have..he would have been so disappointed in me for keeping that from him…I literally had such anxiety I couldn’t sleep for shit since I found out and would have to see him knowing what I knew..well that’s another mistake on my part…he suspended them all for a weekend then they were all back like nothing ever happened…so you can imagine how much fun I am having at work with these people now..on top of my niece going in and a waitress that was involved making a comment to her friends and not serving my niece because she is related to me…wtf is going on in this world is all I can think anymore…

I think I’ve had my fill..I’ve always been a positive person and I feel like that person has been lost..the only true enjoyment I find is being with my four year old son..god bless his loving innocent soul.
Ms.Luck

For The Love Of Alcohol(ism)…..

So I was sitting here the other night and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. “I think he is getting his way once again!”
Yet so am I.
I have come to understand fully and completely it is the disease of alcoholism I despise with a passion..not him.
He, meaning my ex-husband, asked me once, “why don’t we stay together yet live apart?, I think it’s just that we can’t live together.”
I am beginning to believe he is onto something..
We get along so well living apart, we have always put our children first and never had an issue between each other in dealing with the children..if we have it’s been easily worked through. We help each other out whenever possible to make things easier for the kids/us..that ultimately benefits the kids and us.
I have to say, when I need to be picked up at 3am from the emergency room…he is always there.
I see his struggles as he too is tangled amongst the webs of his mothers money.
He pays a hefty price also.
I’m angry for what alcoholism and money have done to he and I. I can not deny that..nor would I.

I envisioned my life over the years as transforming myself, my marriage and family into something harmonious with as minimal emotional clutter as one could achieve.
I wanted what I missed in my childhood..
A happy harmonious and close family.
I still want that.

Since I moved out this past July I have had a lot of me time..boy have I needed that! I really appreciate having my house..it’s the most peaceful place I have lived..I knew the second I walked inside to take a look..that it was home. I appreciate my ex husband paying my rent and my car payment. We agreed together the last time not to go back to court and that would be considered “child support.” We share half of daycare for the youngest son and he covers all school expenses for the older boys.

He does this because he cares and can make it easier for me..and the kids. I appreciate him.

Where it became confusing to me was the fact that if we are not married, not living together and not doing things with each other’s families then we are ending “us” and beginning a new future that doesn’t include each other.. In time I figured we would each meet other people and our lives would continue separately.

It’s not working out that way.

At first I was irritated and felt a similar feeling of being “trapped”..now I’m questioning it again.

He made it very clear if I were to date someone he would quit paying the rent and car payment..which in return would bring us back to court and that in itself is a shit show to be reckoned with..and that’s not counting his mother, her money and her fondness of a certain attorney who’s retainer alone is $10,000.00….the courts seem to adore him.

At first I didn’t want to date anyone..then I had one person I would have dated..yet time had proven he was only there to teach me lessons that I needed to master in my life..and then he would vanish forever.

The reason my ex husband said these things is that was his only recourse to “keep” me.

I can honestly say he loves me with all of his broken heart..I can say this because even after all we have been through he still is always there and willing to help me, he listens to me, he shares his feelings with me and works together for the best interest of our children. He is forced to play games within his own family…as that is a dysfunction all of it’s own. It has been for him since he was a child.
His mother left him at a young age..left her alcoholic husband with two children to raise.
Being a mother to boys I can’t imagine ever leaving my children. I have seen the pain it has caused my ex husband and the feelings of abandonment, mistrust and the feeling of having to deal with the world on his own as a young boy.
He turned to alcohol at the age of fifteen.

It breaks my heart for his childhood and what he went through. We can’t change the past, yet I feel we have a choice not to live in the present with childhood mishaps. I have also learned this isn’t true for everyone. Not everyone can have a positive outlook, let go of the pain, forgive the deep wounds. Some people have been so hurt for so long and have been surrounded by addictions their whole lives…that even when they have attempted to change..they have been defeated by the ones they love and “trust” so that complicates it even more.

I have learned first hand when family or friends know you, then you make a choice to change things about yourself they are the ones who have a hard time understanding or adjusting…you seem to have something “wrong” with you or your new way of thinking..
I’ve come to learn, it’s not me who has an issue it’s the other person. They feel your supposed to stay the same person they have known all along and when you change, they are the ones who are not comfortable.

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For me it has been letting go of the constant people pleaser person I was. I’ve learned I do not have to explain myself to please someone else..an example would be this past Thanksgiving. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional and physical problems due to my neck, more than anyone knows as I don’t show or talk about it as often as it’s a problem for me. I had an extremely rough week leading up to Thanksgiving, I only had that day off from work and I was mentally and physically exhausted. All I wanted was a day at my house with my son sitting in our jammies all day long and doing nothing but being lazy! So that is what I chose. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had! We had my sons favorite dinner…PIZZA!
In my choice to stay home I upset a family member, my father. Things haven’t been the same between us since. As far as I am concerned that is an issue he is having within himself and it’s not mine to fix. I let it go as best as I can and I understand that is his choice in being upset or short with me over my decision not to attend a holiday with everyone. I’ve learned what mattered most was my need of down time and it happened to fall on a holiday..so be it. I’m not going to feel guilty because I upset someone, even if it means someone being my own father. I did what I needed to do.

I know how difficult my situation was for me so I can only imagine what my ex husband has to go up against within his own family, especially with the dependence financially he counts on and the control held over him..

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

Never wonder how much more fucked up it could get…

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Yep…so ex hubby left yesterday morning for vacation..we talked Thursday night and I have the schedule from Feb 10th-Feb 20th as far as the kids go..mainly our ten year old and the hockey schedule.

So I worked last night, I was to call our son this am to check in…plan was I pick up at 5pm from either grandmas or dads (staying with 18yr old brother if there) So I call at 11am…get voicemail.

what’s new.

He says he’s going to a friends..I ask for a name and number of friend/parents…I hear grandma in the background giving the info to my son to give to me.  Ok then I will (as planned) see you at your hockey game at 6pm..watch your game then go to my house tonight then bring you to grandmas house on my way to work Sunday.

I get a call at 3pm….

“Are you bringing me to hockey???”

Well apparently he thought he called his older brother.

It’s your mom…

“Oh, well…I didn’t go to my friends so I need a ride now.”

I’m thinking…”what the fuck is your grandmother doing and why can’t she take you now that the plans you and her and apparently your dad (via phone) made….that fell through.

I text grandma…

No reply…when I finally call because my kid has called me 48 times that I ignored due to him throwing a temper tantrum, I state I need to talk to the adult that has my child in her care..she goes on to tell me in her snotty voice, “you need to talk to …. because HE’S  the one to screw plans up!!!”

BITCH PLEASE.

So I call  the ex…and I will bet my life he was wasted when he got a call from my kids friend asking if he could play…so what does drunk/clearly absent minded do? Calls the 10yr old and tells him he can go to a friends if he wants….

Never telling me any of this.

My son has called another 27times wanting to discuss the  situation…I refuse.  I clearly stated to him and his grandmother I will be at hockey, I will watch the game, I will be bringing him home tonight and I will drop him off at her place tomorrow morning before I go to work.

I can’t handle the disrespect from my kids, the lack of adult supervision/responsibility…it’s insane.

They are insane!

I am about at my wits end…I feel like I’ve lost my children to stupidity.

I feel like I might need to start over…and unfortunately at this point that may mean giving my children a choice.

You either follow the rules of my house and my expectations.

You treat me with respect.

Or you pull up your big boy pants you feel you wear…and let me know how that works for you in 20…30..years.

Because your killing me in the process.  It would be similar as being forced to give my children up for adoption..and living near by to see them every day…yet not know them.

My kids are my world…

And my world is crashing in on me right now.

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

Divorce And Your Soul

So I’ve come to learn or realize that there will be situations or moments when I’m reminded of how let down or hurt I still remain by my divorce.  I also instantly remind myself of how brutal the pain was living with him.  As my mother would always say, “This too shall pass.”

And it will..

For the moment..I’m going to allow myself to feel what I feel…it’s sadness, jealously and anger.

Most recently my ex brother in-law became engaged the night before Christmas Eve..my ex husband said he couldn’t pick our youngest up from daycare for me..it was my night so it was understood.  He said the family was going to dinner so his brother could give her a ring..he instantly said, “They aren’t getting married, it’s just a ring.”

I think he said that given he knew how much it meant for me to get my new “just a ring” two years prior on Christmas.  My ring though was picked out with his mother..he claims he designed it..who knows.  And he was completely wasted drunk the day before and the day of..I knew I was getting it, we talked about it..so I open it and honestly I didn’t like it..it was nothing like I had shown him..he picked it out with her and he was so awfully drunk leading up to it..I felt awful but the ring didn’t seem to fit “me” I guess you could say..and when I opened it and put it on he said, “Now you know if anything happens, I get the ring back?”  I think that was the final blow… Just what every woman wants to hear right..

A little insight.. When he proposed to me we were in Naples Florida at Gordon’s restaurant..we, meaning his mother, him and myself.  She kept hinting during dinner..finally he asked me..no bended knee..(he may have fallen over drunk)..his mother so excited lets everyone around us know he proposed…

Well no ring, she gave me a heart shaped god awful looking temporary ring..when we got home I had to drive three and a half hours to get the ring from her home..she was passing on her first ring from her second husband.  I thought how cool is this?!!! For real, I was so excited because it had a really great story of how he proposed to her and he was one of the greatest men I have ever met in my life..he was also dying.  Even though I had to go get it myself..by myself and not a proper proposal..it was a beautiful ring with a beautiful story..that meant the world to me.

So we divorce, I kept the ring..

I never had any intentions of selling the ring..it meant the world to me..even while going through the divorce.  I was in an accident on the way to our divorce hearing..major accident.  I was out of work, lost my job..didn’t have a dime to my name.  I asked him if they wanted to buy the ring from me and I was told they wouldn’t be extorted for money..

That was NEVER my intention.

I sat in the parking lot of the bank, my gas light on..no money, no food and I had to go pick my kids up and needed to get them to school again the next day..I didn’t have any other option in my mind at that moment.  I brought the ring in..I cried the whole time, the lady even asked if I was sure I wanted to do this…I said, “I don’t have a choice.”

Never…ever..were they to let me live that down during the time we tried again three years after our divorce. He and his mother always had some comment to make me feel even worse than I did on my own for having to part with that ring.  I even remember wondering why a woman with so much money WOULDN’T want it back?  I realized why, her hatred of me  outweighed any attachment she had with that ring…I had more sentimental attachment to it than she did…

To this day, I still find that unbelievably sad…

It feels good to tell my story..to get it out..so many close to me may not have known how much that situation affected me..still affects me.

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck