The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.






Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…


The Dilemma Of Divorce..

It’s been an extremely rough week emotionally and physically given the amount of time I have put into work while trying to keep my home life at home and work at work.  My ex-husband and I had to text this morning due to daycare issues.  We worked together as usual to make sure our son was taken care of and we each could fill our obligations for the day with minimal disturbance.  As we have always done, we put our children first.

For me it opened the door to say something…I’ve had so many emotions running through me and so many unanswered questions since Sunday.

So I let him know I hadn’t stopped crying since Sunday, if it was to get back at me for the pain I caused him for divorcing him, mission accomplished, I was feeling what I could only imagine he felt then.  I told him that I will always love him and I am sorry it has been such a battle for us.

He was sorry I felt so bad. He agreed it’s been a rough road. He didn’t understand why we can’t live together.

I said that I was under the impression we were trying to see where it would go with us not living together…I guess I was wrong.

He said, “just so you know, I’m not dating anyone.”

Odd thing here…

I’m not upset over “her” I’m hurt by his leading me to believe one thing then him doing another..literally.

We have had so many things against us, the alcoholism, the drug use (cocaine), his mother, her wealth, his upbringing and mine.  Yet we always are there for each other, we each have done our fair share of wrong and we each have hurt each other more than you would think a person could allow.

I also find  strange that we were divorced almost eight years ago and we still have the attraction/connection that we do. Does anyone else find this odd?  I wonder how many people after a divorce still remain so close?

I know by living apart it makes things easier on my end.  I don’t have to see the drunken mess he can be.  It’s such an awful side.  I’ve tried to remember it is a disease and I have tried to remember it is something I can’t change.  The only way I can “handle” the disease is to have my space.  I always felt like I was trapped when around him while he was drinking…it would give me anxiety and I just wanted to be away from him..yet when he is sober, he is the kind, caring man with a heart of gold.

I know it’s also an abandonment issue and a trust issue with women he deals with inside.  His mother left him when he was nine years old.  She left her alcoholic husband for another man.  So she clearly understands, yet would never admit, she knew what I was going through when I filed for divorce.  She left his older brother to take care of him as his father was absent due to the alcohol.  He grew up not having the same boundaries I had growing up as far as parenting goes.

My parents divorced when I was two years old. My mom was pregnant with another mans baby.  My dad was always a great father to me and that I will always remember as a child.  My mom, she was dealing with her childhood and not handling her own marriage/family in the best way possible..but it was all she knew.

The man that seemed to instantly “replace” my fathers presence in our home was an alcoholic and he was extremely verbally and physically abusive to my mother, his two children and myself.

As I’m writing this I instantly had a flash-back..

I was the oldest, I would always try to protect my mother from him.  I remember one time hiding in the corner and I could see my mother trying to call the police and he was throwing glasses at her, I remember her tangled in the yellow phone cord as she dodged the objects thrown at her, I remember them smashing against the wall and the fear in her eyes.

I seem to have so much empathy for my mother, my ex-husband..even an understand for my once step-father. Trust me when I say I think he was an awful awful parent..and I still to this day want to look him in the face and tell him he didn’t break me and I turned out pretty damn good given all of the horrible things he said and did to me as a child.  He treated me the worst because I wasn’t his.  The same thing with my fathers new wife.  She couldn’t stand I was there, she didn’t come into my fathers life accepting of him having a child.  I moved in with my father and step-mother  the summer after sixth grade.  It was not as chaotic over there..a sense of calm.  I had just experienced the death of a best friend and I think I just felt I was exhausted by the craziness of my mothers house.

Little did I know how mentally/emotionally draining it would be living with my father and his wife.

I think that I’ll save for another post..

I wonder how my children will look back their childhood and our divorce. I can’t imagine having your parents still in love with eachother, living apart and your father an alcoholic won’t leave some confusion.




Letting Go..

Letting go of people, places and things happen in our own time.  My time is now.  The people who I allow to continuously suck the life out of me..the people I admire for so many other reasons tend to have another thing in common..they suck life from me, instantly.  Maybe these people came into my life for a season..and that season is coming to a change.  In the long run making me better  and stronger for having them in my life at one point.

I’ve let go of the long term pain my alcoholic step-father instilled in me at a very young age..your fat, you have a “n!$$%r” ass..(add to the list of reasons I HATE that word..and I mean HATE, don’t ever say it around me!)

Guess what? I’m not fat. I may not like some things about my body yet the only way I am changing them are for myself, not for what you think, your opinion doesn’t matter.

I’ve let go of my parents divorce and their choice of step-parents for me, while growing up, I had awful and I mean awful step-parents.  I forgive  each of them.  I know better now as an adult.  You know what?  You taught me to never ever in my life treat another human being, another CHILD the way each of you did.  I’m a better person for that. Thank you.

I’ve let go of the resentment.

I’ve let go of the failure I felt with my divorce.  I am a true romantic and I have always been, always will be, no one will take that from me!

I woke up this morning and I just felt different…a strain of events I’m sure lead up to this feeling, the feeling of I’m tired of wanting someone so badly and being treated so poorly.  I caught myself saying, “You put him on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve.”  He touched me so deeply on a spiritual level..I can’t even explain it.  The smell of his skin, the deepness in his eyes as I talked to him…ok, enough.  I’m letting him and the thought of him go. (this one I’m still in the process of letting go as you can see.)

I will let go.

So here is another thought I want to throw out to you all.. sometimes we need to let go and other times we need to distance ourselves, not quite letting go.


I have had quite a few bumps in the road with my neck lately, four level cervical fusion in 2008 due to car accident on the way to divorce hearing..I know right?!, and I opted out of going to my parents for Thanksgiving.  I spent it with my two year old our pj’s ALL day and eating his!  It was wonderful for me. I had a rough week leading up to Thanksgiving.

Apparently my father was less than pleased with my decision.  I let it go…I mean I’m 40yrs old, I chose to stay home with my son, so be it.  My birthday came two weeks later, first time I never received a happy birthday phone call from my father.  That irritated me!  I let it go.

I get a text last night from my sister saying our father is sitting on the couch reading my facebook posts out loud to everyone and shaking his head.


I exercised my right and hit DELETE!  You’ve lost your privilege to my facebook.  If you act like a child, you will be treated as one. End of story.

Here is where distance comes in…it is my own father..yet that doesn’t give him the right to bring chaos, drama and pain/hurt into my life.  He can live that way, I choose not to.  I spent many years of my life always trying to please others at my own expense.  That has been coming to a halt…it’s been a long time coming.

Thank you everyone for playing a part in my life and writing the first few chapters with me…I’m going to write a few of my own for awhile with everything I’ve learned along the way so far.

This blog…

It is my start…I couldn’t be more thrilled!

So thank you for taking the time to read my words..there is so much more to come. 🙂