The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.






The Protector And Advocate…

So how am I supposed to support my son when I know the negativity he will be around with his father and his fathers side of the family. Within the first two minutes of my ex picking up our son today, our son was faced with immediate negativity. Our son was packing his backpack to take some toys with to his fathers house. He  wanted to put  a balloon that we got yesterday at the old car show into his backpack when instantly his father said, “You’ll never fit that in there.” I instantly said, “Yes, he will.” Guess what? Our son fit it in there. What the ex doesn’t understand is how his negativity wears off onto the children. My ex doesn’t see this to be a problem so he won’t change it.

Our thirteen year old lives with my ex due to his anxiety which is caused by being a child of an alcoholic. He has to always be around his dad and know his every move or he freaks out.  His father thinks it’s because he’s such a great father and our son is just really in love with him.  I’ve already noticed so many times how it has effected him. Like the times our son searched through his fathers things to find cocaine because he knew he was doing it. He always found it. The first thing out of his mouth is always no, you can’t do that, that’s impossible. Never anything positive and I think it’s really important to watch this type of behavior around children. They are sponges, they will start acting out these negative behaviors, they already do. I guess with children I feel they can be helped. Adults are already so damaged and weak they would continue to live this way rather than putting in the work to change and become healthy, to deal with the excruciating pain they have stuffed down deep inside. Children still have a chance to understand and work through the issues.

You’re probably wondering why I allow my son to live with his father. My son is thirteen, he doesn’t want to change school districts and leave all of his friends. I wouldn’t want to either it makes for an extremely tough transition meeting completely new friends at this age. Another issue is that my son needs therapy to understand what is happening by being a child of an alcoholic, he needs help understanding that the anxiety will lessen if he is no longer in such a chaotic environment.

He needs to know that there are many different things making him feel the way that he does. His father has deep rooted issues and his way is not healthy and it does affect the children. This is why I am making sure I don’t back down to making sure my boys are taken care of in the healthiest way possible. I was terrified during our divorce and after due to the intimidation my ex and his mother put me through. Not this time.

Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…


Ex Mother In-Law…

So my ex-husband text me asking to take our son, who is five and autistic, on vacation four hours away for a week. Now most people would be just fine with this. I am not. I am not for the wellbeing and for the best interest of my son. My son has therapy the day they wanted to leave with him and he also has therapy the following day. Now I explained to my ex the reasons I do not feel it is safe for my son, and yes I use “my” because since the day he was born I do 200% of his care, to be away for that amount of time.

My ex has never had my son overnight without me in his entire life. When my ex has had him for longer than three hours something is always an issue and my son tells me when he gets home. He has a brother who has major behavior issues and when he acts up it effects my youngest. My youngest complained that Dad didn’t stop the older son and it hurt his feeling and it made him scared when they were yelling. I have seen first hand and my older child was always told if he wanted us over he needed to stop the behavior or we would leave. Sometimes his behavior changed for the better and we stayed, other times it became worse and we would leave. Now mind you during all of the confrontations my ex wouldn’t say a word and if he did it would be him swearing and yelling at our older son.

I have been to the cabin they use up north and I have been there to first hand witness how grandma allows the children to drink alcohol as does my ex. These kids are all underage. Now this year my step son is the only one of the kid of age to drink. Previous years I have seen my volatile ex brother in law drinking and freaking out at any given moment. I have seen my ex drinking with the kids. He acts like he is one of their friends and he is back in high school.

I’ve witnessed constantly how drinking delays dinner and usually it’s burnt or over done due to lack of judgement by either my ex or his brother because they are intoxicated. I’ve witnessed my niece who has more issues than a treatment center start some sort of drama that grandma jumps in to save the day or enable.

I actually left for a day with my son because it was all so overwhelming to be around them and the tension was causing my son so much stress we had to get out and do something away from all of them.

I realized after reading this I had not finished writing! ugh, that tells you exactly where my mind has been lately!

So I declined to have my son go with his father and his grandmother up north because I don’t feel it’s in the best interest for my son nor is it in the best interest of his safety. His father didn’t put up much of an argument yet his grandmother felt the need to ask me through Facebook messenger. She felt the need to tell me how I need to think of them and their wants. Not once mentioning Keagan’s needs or best interest. I decided it was best to not entertain her and I have not been responding to her messages bullying me. I don’t think she will ever understand and I absolutely am not the one to be able to have her understand. There is far to much hatred from her to me. She would never fully listen or understand.

My son has a medical diagnosis of Autism. She refuses to believe he is not what some would consider “normal” when really what is the idea of normal anyhow? The problem is she refuses to believe he needs the added help and therapy. She chooses to make this about me and that  I’m going “overboard” with his treatment and care. Her idea is, “He’s going to school in the fall.” so he’s just fine. She has no idea what it takes and has taken to get him to school. In that I mean the struggles I have faced and continue to face. Do I mainstream my son? Will he do alright? Will the kids break him and discourage his amazing desire to achieve and be the brightest light in the room? He gets so upset when he doesn’t understand social situations and this hurts him. He retreats. He doesn’t understand. Mom and his therapists are the ones to teach him coping skills, to give him the love I need to as a mother.

It’s not just as simple as signing him up for kindergarten for he or I.  Especially when his father is threatening to stop paying for where we live, knowing I can’t afford it, which is also very scary. I have less than a month to figure out school. I have to consider therapy, IEP meetings, transportation, care before and after school. I have to find a new place for us to start making memories, a new place that is scary for not just myself but for my son. Change isn’t a strong area for him as he is greatly attached to people, places and items. All of these things that neither his father or grandmother even consider. They have not been a part of his care at all. They hardly see him and they have so much hatred towards me. All I am concerned for is my sons continued therapy and his wellbeing. I’ve also learned to focus on my health and my happiness. No longer letting those who aren’t involved try to harden me.

It would be nice if people in this situation would truly put my son’s best interest, happiness and wellbeing first. Because that is truly the only thing that matters…My son.


Thoughts, Time And Realizations..

I wake up each day feeling like this nightmare isn’t true. As my eyes slowly open and my mind ever so instantaneously relives the previous day and I realize  that, it in fact wasn’t a nightmare, it really is my life.

Any thought of what was and what is lost brings an instant lump in my throat and the tears well up until they no longer can be held back. I let the tears flow as somehow I hope it will bring peace in time. The weight on my chest feels as though I’m carrying around an elephant most times. I understand now how it got to this point, the point of spending almost twenty-two years with a man, married, divorced and raised four boys together. It’s gone. He is gone. No communication, unless it is an occasional text by him, requesting to pick our five year old up for literally a few hours. It’s as though I never even existed. No closure, no final discussion on the end of an extremely massive part of my life.I am learning we don’t always get the closure we had hoped for. It just ends. Yet the heartache, the loss and the pain continue.

I took my son to get a haircut yesterday and while waiting for him a gentleman started talking with me then suddenly asked if I was married. “No, divorced”  I replied. To his “delight” he replied, “So am I!” He said, “You seem nice, do you mind if I give you my number?  I took his number out of pure politeness when honestly, I can’t even right now. I feel like the biggest mess emotionally I can’t even think of considering dating yet. I also know that unless I am 200% attracted to someone I may as not even waste their time or mine, this I know. I honestly think it’s going to be quite along time before I process all I have been through. Maybe, just maybe, once the lump in my throat and the tears that well up subside, maybe then I’ll even be able to consider dating.

Until then, I am focusing on my son and his needs. I am writing to slowly work though my feelings and the excruciating pain I feel right now. I will continue to find my way through the murky unknown territory until one day I am at peace.

I wrote the above paragraphs earlier this morning and as the day progressed so did the weight of the pain, isolation and feelings of abandonment set in deeper. I literally had such an awful childhood of never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Not at either of my divorced parents houses. I never fit in with their new wife/husband and their new children.

As an adult what was my family slowly disappeared and everyone went their own ways. The day my mother died was by far the worst day ever. I lost her whole side of the family which was quite a large family. They just stopped communicating and getting together after she died. My fathers side of my family was actually pretty small. Yet even that side vanished over time. A few years ago  my father and I had a falling out which he decided to not talk to me for over a year. I was so heartbroken by his stubbornness that our relationship was lost. My own father.

We recently tried to have a relationship again and almost instantly he felt the need to tell me what to do as a 42 year old grown woman. He didn’t agree with something I posted on my social media site and he posted in my comments, “Get that shit off of there!” Really? Since  when does his difference of opinion mean I need to “obey” him otherwise I  suffer the consequences of his shitty behavior? I am sorry but I will not allow being treated that way even if it is by my own father.

I’ve learned from one of my sisters from my fathers second marriage, that he was always like this with them, never with me. So I never had seen this side of my father in my younger years. So honestly it was quite shocking as an adult to have him treat me this way. So pretty much every male in my life has treated me awfully. And as I go through my adult years and voicing my feelings instead of stuffing them to please the other person, I am literally losing everyone in my life. If I have ever felt alone, now is the time I feel completely alone. Abandoned is how I feel and it’s devastating at this age. I never have had any really close friends growing up, always people I know and talk with occasionally, yet not a close network of friends especially close friends who I still hang out with. If it wasn’t for social media I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. That’s sad.

I feel like I’ve lost everyone who ever mattered and I also am realizing everyone I am losing has been so extremely toxic to me yet that is all I have known. All of my life people have been toxic and that was starting with my own family. So it’s not wonder the thing I’ve wanted most is a husband who would love and support me, respect me and never leave. I wanted to raise a family that enjoyed being a family, yet ours is just as dysfunctional as they come. I’ve lost twenty-two years of trying to build our family to have it instantly vanish to nothing. No more holidays, no more family getting together, no more birthday parties, no more family vacations.. Maybe it was the idea

No wonder I am so lost right now…

No wonder my heart hurts so incredibly bad..

At forty-two years old, how do you start completely over? With nothing? Literally nothing.

I realize I’ve made poor choices and it took me far to long to realize their impact. I know moving forward what I will not accept in a relationship yet it’s so gut wrenching to know that I just lost twenty-two years. It takes time to build a solid relationship and I have lost so much time. That is the scary truth.

Everything has been going considerably smoothly until yesterday. My ex asked if he could take our son up north, for what I am assuming is a week, as that is what we have done in years past. I have been alright with him picking our son up, taking him swimming for three hours at his mothers home, then driving him back home a few times in the past two months. I have been alright with this because I know he is not drinking. He can’t drink and drive his truck because he recently just got the Alco sensor put back in his truck for the next three years. Which means he can not have any alcohol to start his vehicle. But guess what? He’s going to put the Alco sensor in his Jeep one he gets the whiskey plates of the cars that are in his name, which is all of our cars. That way the state thinks his primary vehicle has it in it and he can have a few and drive his suburban. Beat the system once again. I am absolutely shocked how he always flies right through the system with all  of these violations. He’s a charmer and looks so clean cut and together along with his mommas money he’s yet to actually pay a consequence worthy. He still feels the state is in the wrong and he never should have gotten the B Card the state issued him. In our state, a B Card means no alcohol, ever for the rest of your life. Not even communion. Nada. Zilch.

It’s damn fitting and deserving if you ask me. It just needs to be enforced and not let go every time for whatever reason. Money, pretty sure that’s what does it for him.


My ex has been paying for our townhome for the past three years along with “my truck” that is titled and loaned in his name. Which he bought for me after the miscarriage. He had me give my paid off truck to his friend. He also has been paying our cable and internet  so my son can watch all of his shows.

I did have a career of thirteen years that I lost due to a major car accident on the way to our divorce hearing. Yup, you read that correct! I am lucky to be here today according to the paramedics that day. Two years after I had to have a four level cervical fusion in my neck and five years later I wore out the lower part of my fusion just by living and moving. I live in constant pain since that moment I was in the accident. I need more surgery yet it will only wear out in a short amount of time and completely restrict my movement which is already compromised. For all of you wondering why I’m not able to afford all of the above. I am guessing I will  be on disability sooner than one would prefer. Yet I have been so consumed with my son and his treatment I have not taken the time to deal with my medical issues to the extent I need to. I do get steroid injections that when they work, or I’m given the correct procedure, it gives some relief and keeps me out of the ER with pain.

Now I do use the internet I will say that. But after we broke it off he said he will continue to pay the rent “for awhile” now that I am forever grateful for. What I am not appreciative of is his using it as a form of control. Because I am not comfortable with our son suddenly spending the night with him, for days away and hours away he sent this message to me yesterday.

“If I am going to continue to pay for you to live, rent, truck and cable. I will see my son.”

Now I told him my concerns for our son. First, he hasn’t had him overnight at all. Second, our son has not been away from me even overnight except one time when we took a vacation and when he was much younger and long before learning of his having Autism. Third, my ex and his family have not been a part of my sons therapy and care at all, not one bit.

They don’t understand how he works, what triggers he has, how to help him or support him. He is so attached to me he would have a very difficult time being away from me for that long. Especially in an environment such as this. I feel this is an extreme stressor for my son and I won’t allow it. I also know that they all drink heavily when on any vacation. The last time I was up there it was a disaster and Keagan and I couldn’t wait to get back home and away from their chaos. I do not trust my ex to take care of our son plain and simple. The way he acts, how he picks at me or the kids for his own sick entertainment,  what he allows, how he talks are always so inappropriate when he is drinking, no child should be around that behavior. The cousins along with my step son and son, who are all under 21 years old, were allowed by my ex and his mother, their grandmother, to drink. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes. This family is so delusional and if I say or do anything against what they feel I am being a bitch, I’m to emotional, I think to much. Bullshit. I am a responsible parent who wants better for my children and I’m fighting a battle I could never win with them as there are far more of them who are sick and only me.

I told my ex I will gladly set up an appointment with a mediator and he said,

“I’m not going to a mediator there is no need, you should work with me. You think I like paying $2000.00 a month? He should be able to have fun and enjoy his family! Ask him I bet he would want to go!”

I am sorry, I am not asking my five year old if he wants to go, of course it sounds fun, yet he has no idea what it entails on his well being and safety. Here again is where I feel like I am dealing with a two year old when talking to my ex. I am a parent and first and foremost it is my job to protect my children. I have a thirteen year old son who is so incredibly messed up and anxiety ridden due to his fathers drinking and his father boasts at how much this boy loves and adores him, how he is connected to his hip at all time. Just sickening. Our son feels the need to take care of his father. Check out children of alcoholics, you’ll see it’s not love, it’s a very unhealthy relationship. Yet you can’t tell him that because in his eyes and his mothers eyes, he is a perfect Daddy.

I don’t think that a person who you just spent twenty-two years with and raised four children with really cared about you, or the children for that matter, would purposefully cause immediate fear and stress of just stopping paying without no notice. What human would intentionally cause this to people who he supposedly loved? It’s so hard to wrap my head around. Probably because I am not that type of person.

Even with all of the awful things he and his mother have said and done towards me, for him at least, I find sadness for him. I’ve known the man for twenty-two years, I know with out a doubt he’s hurt. Yet for him the only way to deal with feelings is by stuffing them so deep, as though they never happened and drink to numb himself. I bet over half his life he can’t even remember details about because he was so intoxicated for so many things.

Today social media reminded me it was four years ago I went in alone for my ultrasound to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It wasn’t there…

While my sons therapist was here tonight I was able to leave for two hours which is nice to have respite care for myself  twice a week. I went to caribou coffee then I went tanning. When I came out I sat in the parking lot for a little bit and I realized it’s slowly sinking in.

How horrific he and his mother treated me when we found out I was pregnant and telling me at thirty-eight years old to have an abortion. Not being supportive while I grieved the loss of my child and just acting as though not saying anything to me for awhile would make it all go away. I remembered when our son, who is five years old now, was born he had to stay in the hospital for nine days and I stayed every day and night with him. One night the guest room had been booked so I didn’t have a place to stay that night, I had told my ex about this and because I didn’t have a car there I needed him to come and get me. At this point it was actually time for me to get away from the hospital for a little bit as it was wearing on me. Well I called him and guess what? He was so drunk watching hockey with a longtime friend over he couldn’t come and get me.


I remember sitting in the tiny pharmacy awaiting my pain medications, feeling so uncomfortable, sore, mentally exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster  of my newborn baby struggling the first week of his life, him not gaining weight fast enough, my missing my other children and wanting to go home so badly at that moment. I cried so hard because when I called him I could hear it in his voice how drunk he was.. Thank goodness after telling the nurses in the NICU what I was dealing with they made sure I got a room. How thoughtless, rude and selfish of him to treat me that way literally days after having his child and being the one who was dealing with everything in the hospital, he left me to do it alone. Jerk.

As angry as I get and as hurt as I am I always hoped he would want us more and he would do “so well” for short spans and I would be so happy and then it would start over again. Just an awful cycle. I wish he was strong enough, willing enough and had the desire to have our relationship and our family. I always believed in him. I always had hope for him. I always supported him when he was depressed by his actions.

It never was enough..






Letting go..

So the time has arrived to let go for once and for all. Twenty-one and a half years. Over.  The time came to make a choice for my son and myself. Was I going to stay in a relationship that was not progressing and was toxic or was I going to let go of it and head into the unknown?..

We had yet another episode of him drinking and it affected our son who has Autism along with affecting me even further.. It’s as though it was the final push for me to voice it and in doing so his mother found what I had written and she shared it with him. Which  in return ending the relationship. What did it say? Well it was another blogger I follow and he had asked a simple question.. “Right here Right now tell me the 100% honest truth.” So I did.

I wished I had a career and that I would have done more in my earlier years because now I am facing  a real struggle.  I’m living in a townhome that my ex husband pays for, which I GREATLY APPRECIATE for my stress level and the sake of not uprooting our Autistic son. The reality is I can’t afford it on my own. I don’t want to move for my son’s sake, this is the only home he’s known and he is to start kindergarten in the fall. I said that I felt stuck and I wanted out of the relationship due to his drinking and not being present emotionally even after I had literally been begging him for months, actually years looking back.. He felt writing a check was to cover everything it takes to make a relationship. And this was nothing I hadn’t said to him not even four months prior. For years for that matter! Something had to give and it had to give quick as I was at a crossroad of no longer being able to live this way and in this type of relationship.  I  have tried everything possible to make us work.. I truly believe he checked out years ago, two to be exact, as that’s when I still tried after he blatantly cheated on me twice. And lied right to my face over and over the first time. Then seven months later our kid walked in on him with his friends, recent, ex-girlfriend. Oh but wait, he’s a sex addict who was drunk and high on cocaine so there has to be an exception right? Always alright if he does something hurtful, always a reason it should just be swept under the rug. My mistakes oh hell every time he was angry mine were front and center of topic. Hypocrite.

I have written so many heartfelt letters essentially begging him to be present in our relationship, to respect me, to include me and to show me he wants our relationship to continue. I’ve taken long hard looks at myself and changed the things I could for the better and no matter what,  it was never good enough for him. Always something else I wasn’t doing right or not appreciating in his words. Narcissist…ya think?

I am starting to understand as I let go. I was very codependent when we met and over the past few years I’ve worked on me, hoping to progress our relationship for the better, yet it didn’t work out that way. I’ve learned  he is a narcissistic alcoholic who absolutely has traits of a sociopath. Along with his immediate family members having very toxic beliefs and actions along with distorted realities paired nicely with many other toxic traits. For one, a mother who made many awful choices needs to understand she doesn’t a “second chance” to fix her mistakes by acting as though the grandchildren are her own children. I’m pretty sure I didn’t marry, divorce or fuck her to have my children so I’m pretty fucking sure I do not need to consult or include her on how I raise my children. Oh wait! I forgot, she pays for their schooling so that means in her eyes she gets control, forgive if I misunderstood. Yeah, honey that’s called “strings attached”  and that is the only way she knows to “help” someone. It’s pretty tough I’m sure for her to accept her choices that hurt her children when they were young. I mean having an affair on your husband who is an alcoholic and leaving two young boys with him then returning later in their life surly wasn’t enough to fuck them up, why not add all the money you inherited to hold over their heads to get your way to top it off? Sounds perfectly fucked up to me. She  had her  chance and she continues to make awful choices,  she puts  her opinions where they are not warranted or wanted and ultimately  affect her sons and her grandchildren for her personal satisfaction. Wicked and sick. It’s sick how she put her sons in situations where ultimatums were given if they didn’t do what she wanted. It’s sick how she treats the mothers of her grandchildren. The grandchildren see this. They feel it and know it yet that doesn’t matter to her because she has her own agenda and that clearly is all that matters. Again, sickening.

I can’t believe the things my ex mother in-law has said and done towards me. Here is one example. So her son and I become pregnant when our youngest was fifteen months old, of course he and I freaked out. Well he cries to mommy how this isn’t what he wanted and blah blah blah so she tells me how I need to have an abortion! Totally freaked the fuck out on me because her baby at the age of 42 years old hasn’t figured out how to prevent a baby. Sadly I miscarried days after her awful confrontation. Karma struck quite quickly, her dog was mauled and killed a week later. The sad part was I couldn’t find one ounce of empathy for her due to her pure cruelness to me over a HUMAN her GRANDCHILD who died a week prior.  My therapist was in awe herself. I have learned by having awful step-parents and an awful mother in-law exactly how NOT to be either of those people  in life. Thank you for that.

No wonder anything I tried to do to make it a positive and healthy relationship failed between my ex and I.  No wonder I doubted so many things I knew to be true. How on earth did I not see the destruction when voicing my personal concerns how it always was spun to be about what I did to hurt his feelings and how everything about me was brought into it and by the end of the conversation my feelings or his part in hurting them were never acknowledged. My  head would spin trying to keep up with his roller coaster conversations. To the point it ended with me not being appreciative some how.


That is what it was. I wish I would have known what I know now, before investing so many years to be so heartbroken and essentially abandoned by him, the man I thought would protect me, raise a family together with, support me emotionally and want the best for our future. I was wrong.

Now I’m left knowing I have to let it go. Yet it doesn’t change the fact it hurts like fucking hell.

It hurts even more to know I was always chasing potential. I was always seeing what I thought any human would work towards in a relationship. Working towards that bond that is so strong and a love that prevails all. Raising children together, planning the future and having my best friend.

I was wrong.

I have a great and huge heart. I want the best and I somehow have picked disasters to date or marry. I get that my childhood plays a part yet I think it’s a part that’s so interwoven even I wasn’t able to differentiate. Then BAM I’m sideswiped by the reality the past twenty-one and half years was leading up to this master disaster.. unreal.

So my question now is this, how to do you let go? How do I make sure this type of person stays as far away from me as possible and I never ever date someone like this again? Because I don’t want this in my life. I don’t want to be in a relationship for so many years only to find the other person is so deeply flawed they themselves don’t even want to change.

I’m afraid to trust.

I’m scared that I’ll shut out anyone with good intentions and who genuinely wants the best for me. I’m afraid I won’t be able to see the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” again..

And after this long I can’t tell if I need to go out and have a fling just to get him out of my mind? To satisfy MY needs for once? Yet I know that would only be for instant gratification and would carry it’s own guilt.  How the hell do you even date now days? I’m dead serious.. I feel like a damn tsunami rolled though my heart and soul and I’m left clinging to a tree with no one around..

There should be a special place in hell for people who damage your soul so badly. Or karma should make frequent visits to them for life. I’m angry and I’ve earned that right.. I just don’t understand how people can be so cruel.

You see I’m trying to get to acceptance as quickly as possible because I do get it. I want to bypass being so hurt, sad and angry. I want to put the intermittent flare ups of anger towards him in the past so I can move forward. Forward to what I don’t have a damn clue.

I do know in time I want  a meaningful partnership free of verbal and emotional abuse. Free of alcoholism. Free of narcissism.

I want a partnership that love truly grows within and we each encourage each other to grow into the best version of ourselves that we can be! I want a happy family. A healthy family.

So for now I’m going to focus on myself and getting my self educated enough to not make this same mistake again. And hopefully one day I’ll meet the one who will show me exactly why none of the others ever worked out.





Driving through tears..

It’s been three days since I learned of my ex-husbands rendezvous while on vacation and any moment I have not busy I find myself with tears streaming down my face. My heart physically hurts and it’s so hard to breathe.. I wish there was a magic button to make it all go the button that instantly made him go away..
I know it sounds crazy being he is my ex-husband and yes I filed for divorce, yet since we divorced in 2006 there has been a lot between us still and for it to end so abruptly and in the manner that it did absolutely breaks my heart.
Sixteen years together pretty much..I guess I hoped one day we would work through our issues and be a family..maybe because it’s been so drawn out.
I’m not sure anymore.
I understand everything happens for a reason and in it’s right time and we may never understand until further down the road..and then again we may never understand why things happen the way they do..this one crushes me right now, that I know.
I’m afraid to ever see him..I’m afraid I’ll break down the second I do and that I’ll see satisfaction in his eyes instead of the compassion I once had seen in him.
I’m going to miss him..I’m going to miss the thought of us pulling through and being a family like we intended.
I guess I need to for once and for all let go..
Let go of what I wanted so badly all these years with him and accept that it will never be, no matter how hard I try or how hard I believe we could have made it.
It would be a lot easier to accept this if it were under different circumstances I guess. If I would not have been lead to believe we were headed in the direction of a positive outcome between us.
I have to remember he is forever bitter and resentful for my divorcing him, when in fact it was the alcoholic I wanted to divorce, not him.
I have to remember he is an alcoholic, he is a mommy’s boy and the conscience he so proudly boasted about does not exist…for he has proven that. I think that’s what digs the knife in deeper to my heart…after all the things he has said about me and how awful I was…he did exactly what he preached about him never doing and being so proud of that.
The tears ceased for now…
Maybe gentle self reminders of the not so pleasant side will awake my inner ability to move through this with grace.




Diaper vs Washing machine…and Batman.

Not that my day hasn’t been completely draining given yesterdays events with the ex-husband running into today.
I just went to switch loads of laundry…
My two and a half year old managed to put a pee diaper into the washing machine without my knowledge..
That gel shit is EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ended up googling how to clean it this is a first for me! It is going to take more time then I have this evening and more energy then I could even imagine to muster up.
As my son stands before me in his Batman costume he so badly needed to has me wishing for some super hero powers myself right now!
He sure is cute though.
Maybe it’s to make me forget that the last can of pop I had..I poured into a glass which my little Batman got ahold of, as we all know two is the age of endless spills, he managed to spill a full glass of Mt.Dew over the entire couch.
Did I forget to mention I get to work a double in the morning…
I think I’m buying a powerball ticket tomorrow, I’ve got to have something good happen and lord knows a financial miracle would be a great way to start..throw a trip to Key West in and boy would this girl be rejuvenated!
Batman just came running in with “Juuush” boxes, He says,”Mommy juuuush me juuuush!!!” It’s a CapriSun…guess there is my “vacation” down nostalgia lane from when I was a kid.
Vacation over, back to reality.
Oh yeah, damn diaper vs. washing machine dilemma..
Wish me luck.


(seriously thinking of changing my last name…jeeeeez)

It all ends…you’ve broken me.

Well folks…I gotta say he (ex-husband) sure duped me.  He has fully and completely broken my heart this time.

I found out today as I am bringing our son to hockey what he got so emotional about the other night.  He over heard his grandmother talking to her friend and knew something was fact his father slept with her gardeners sister while on the trip to Hawaii…

Nothing like he and I sleeping together for the past three months and him coming over to my place and having sex after Hawaii…fucking makes me want to puke.

I asked him so I knew where we stood..he said he wasn’t fucking anyone nor was he looking for a girlfriend.

Today after dropping our son off at hockey I text him saying, “So you slept with Amanda in Hawaii…I got it.  Good luck with her.”

His reply, “Have a goodnight at work.”



I tried…can’t say it isn’t the hardest thing to hold back that lump in your throat, the elephant on your chest and put on a big old smile for everyone you see.  And all my co-workers know something is wrong with me…they ask and I never thought I’d have to decline a hug…as I knew it would open the flood gates of hell.

I will get through this.

I hope the good lord has something better planned for me in this life because it feels as though no matter where I look my life is falling apart.  It’s almost as though I have this awful black cloud that won’t leave me and I honestly wonder if it ever will.

Maybe I need to change back to my maiden name.. I kept it because I guess in the back of my mind I thought one day we would actually work through our bumps..or maybe when his mom kicked the bucket..apparently it’s not just her that’s the problem.  Now he has become a liar… I think it was his way once and for all to get back at me for filing for divorce as that broke his heart more than ever…I’ve never heard the end of that either.

I’m unbelievably heartbroken right now..but “This too shall pass.”

I feel quite broken and lost right now yet I know it can’t last forever and this will be the true test of when one door closes another opens.

Focus on my children, my job and myself.

That’s what I will continue to do.

A few extra prayers would gladly be welcomed I can’t deny that!




For The Love Of Alcohol(ism)…..

So I was sitting here the other night and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. “I think he is getting his way once again!”
Yet so am I.
I have come to understand fully and completely it is the disease of alcoholism I despise with a passion..not him.
He, meaning my ex-husband, asked me once, “why don’t we stay together yet live apart?, I think it’s just that we can’t live together.”
I am beginning to believe he is onto something..
We get along so well living apart, we have always put our children first and never had an issue between each other in dealing with the children..if we have it’s been easily worked through. We help each other out whenever possible to make things easier for the kids/us..that ultimately benefits the kids and us.
I have to say, when I need to be picked up at 3am from the emergency room…he is always there.
I see his struggles as he too is tangled amongst the webs of his mothers money.
He pays a hefty price also.
I’m angry for what alcoholism and money have done to he and I. I can not deny that..nor would I.

I envisioned my life over the years as transforming myself, my marriage and family into something harmonious with as minimal emotional clutter as one could achieve.
I wanted what I missed in my childhood..
A happy harmonious and close family.
I still want that.

Since I moved out this past July I have had a lot of me time..boy have I needed that! I really appreciate having my’s the most peaceful place I have lived..I knew the second I walked inside to take a look..that it was home. I appreciate my ex husband paying my rent and my car payment. We agreed together the last time not to go back to court and that would be considered “child support.” We share half of daycare for the youngest son and he covers all school expenses for the older boys.

He does this because he cares and can make it easier for me..and the kids. I appreciate him.

Where it became confusing to me was the fact that if we are not married, not living together and not doing things with each other’s families then we are ending “us” and beginning a new future that doesn’t include each other.. In time I figured we would each meet other people and our lives would continue separately.

It’s not working out that way.

At first I was irritated and felt a similar feeling of being “trapped” I’m questioning it again.

He made it very clear if I were to date someone he would quit paying the rent and car payment..which in return would bring us back to court and that in itself is a shit show to be reckoned with..and that’s not counting his mother, her money and her fondness of a certain attorney who’s retainer alone is $10,000.00….the courts seem to adore him.

At first I didn’t want to date anyone..then I had one person I would have dated..yet time had proven he was only there to teach me lessons that I needed to master in my life..and then he would vanish forever.

The reason my ex husband said these things is that was his only recourse to “keep” me.

I can honestly say he loves me with all of his broken heart..I can say this because even after all we have been through he still is always there and willing to help me, he listens to me, he shares his feelings with me and works together for the best interest of our children. He is forced to play games within his own family…as that is a dysfunction all of it’s own. It has been for him since he was a child.
His mother left him at a young age..left her alcoholic husband with two children to raise.
Being a mother to boys I can’t imagine ever leaving my children. I have seen the pain it has caused my ex husband and the feelings of abandonment, mistrust and the feeling of having to deal with the world on his own as a young boy.
He turned to alcohol at the age of fifteen.

It breaks my heart for his childhood and what he went through. We can’t change the past, yet I feel we have a choice not to live in the present with childhood mishaps. I have also learned this isn’t true for everyone. Not everyone can have a positive outlook, let go of the pain, forgive the deep wounds. Some people have been so hurt for so long and have been surrounded by addictions their whole lives…that even when they have attempted to change..they have been defeated by the ones they love and “trust” so that complicates it even more.

I have learned first hand when family or friends know you, then you make a choice to change things about yourself they are the ones who have a hard time understanding or adjusting…you seem to have something “wrong” with you or your new way of thinking..
I’ve come to learn, it’s not me who has an issue it’s the other person. They feel your supposed to stay the same person they have known all along and when you change, they are the ones who are not comfortable.


For me it has been letting go of the constant people pleaser person I was. I’ve learned I do not have to explain myself to please someone example would be this past Thanksgiving. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional and physical problems due to my neck, more than anyone knows as I don’t show or talk about it as often as it’s a problem for me. I had an extremely rough week leading up to Thanksgiving, I only had that day off from work and I was mentally and physically exhausted. All I wanted was a day at my house with my son sitting in our jammies all day long and doing nothing but being lazy! So that is what I chose. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had! We had my sons favorite dinner…PIZZA!
In my choice to stay home I upset a family member, my father. Things haven’t been the same between us since. As far as I am concerned that is an issue he is having within himself and it’s not mine to fix. I let it go as best as I can and I understand that is his choice in being upset or short with me over my decision not to attend a holiday with everyone. I’ve learned what mattered most was my need of down time and it happened to fall on a be it. I’m not going to feel guilty because I upset someone, even if it means someone being my own father. I did what I needed to do.

I know how difficult my situation was for me so I can only imagine what my ex husband has to go up against within his own family, especially with the dependence financially he counts on and the control held over him..