The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.

 

 

 

 

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Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…

 

Beginning My Best Journey Yet…

A lot has happened over the course of the past few years, more downs than ups, yet what a ride it has been! You wonder why this happened or that has happened time and time again. Then you take a deep dark look at yourself.

I’ve learned my alcoholic step-father did leave a very heavy and large imprint on my life. I carried the toxic chaos with me through out my entire life. I unwillingly and naively allowed it to follow me through my life and sabotage every relationship I held so dear. Knowing what I know now, every relationship, was doomed from the beginning. It wasn’t until, of the most meaningful relationship I’ve had with a man, who I love dearly and deeply came to an end. A very long, drawn out and difficult end. It wasn’t until looking inward and trying to figure out  why this relationship would not work out, no matter how incredibly hard I tried, it failed. It started with me, as most of us initially do, I was looking at him and what was wrong with him. I found out. He is a narcissist. He is an alcoholic. He is a sex addict. And more than likely has undiagnosed Autism.  He also agrees.

Then I looked at myself and thought, “How in the hell did I choose a man like this?”

This is where the table turns..

I was so secretly and unknowingly broken inside that even I didn’t even realize the toxic men I was attracted to were because of living in toxicity for all of my childhood years. It’s what I knew. It’s what was “comfortable” because it was familiar. Anyone else would have been “boring” uneventful and I surly would have pushed them away.

I always thought I put the past behind me. I always felt I was going to have everything I didn’t as a child. I would not live that way in my adult years. I would be happy. My children would be happy. I would have the best relationship and family ever. Boy was I wrong. I repeated exactly what I didn’t want.

Until now.

I understand now I can’t help or fix my ex. I also know he loves me and he tried with all his might and within his capabilities to show me. I wish I could take all his pain away and start fresh with the understandings I’ve found within myself. I know this is not possible. He would have to take a personal inventory journey of his own. From what he has told me, he doesn’t have the strength to do this. I give him credit for knowing his limitations. I always have seen more in him than he has seen in himself. I know I will go the rest of my life having the gratitude of knowing him and experiencing all that I have with him.

If it weren’t for meeting him and going through all of this together. I may never have found myself where I am today. For that I say, “Thank you.”

But I’m not letting him off the hook that easily.. 

I think if the relationship truly meant that much to him he would have decided to put in the required work and make the changes for himself, for his children and for our relationship. 

Instead he’s choosing the easy way out and that is by his own choice. 

I’m not going to lie. I wish he could see what I see, I wish he had the strength to pull himself out of his own misery. But I could be completely wrong maybe he enjoys it?  Maybe those deep, seemingly meaningful conversations we did have once upon a time, where all lies? I don’t know..

I do know that if you can acknowledge what you were doing wrong you have the ability to change. It’s a matter of choice..

He made his choice in not considering his children or myself. Only his selfish needs and wants.

I am a caregiver by nature. I want the best for those I love. I don’t intentionally hurt those I love. If I hurt them I try to resolve it and not make the same mistakes. So I don’t understand how it’s humanly possible for others to knowingly continue to hurt those they claim to love.

So my thank you is also a big fuck you!

I’ve learned to focus on love for myself now. I always want what is best for my children. And I will always want what is best for my ex even if he doesn’t care.

I have evaluated the roles my step-father, my step-mother, my own mother and father and their parents have played in my life. I’ve also evaluated my own choices. I now know, the choices I will make from here on out will not include the influences the above people have made in my life. I will make positive choices. I will make choices that reflect what it is I truly want in this life. I choose to leave the toxicity behind. And I pray my new found knowledge is in time for my children to make healthy choices that are for their best success.

I always told myself I wanted to be the one to “break the cycle” and look at me, here I am, breaking the cycle!

A young, innocent child is so absorbing in those youngest years. It is our responsibility as adults to protect our children. Which means we need to take accountability for our mistakes and learn to lead by being a positive role model. Not unload our baggage onto our children. It’s far to heavy for them. Christ, even we as adults barely can carry our own baggage..

This is why I am choosing to remain focused on leading a healthy, nontoxic life so my children can hopefully bypass the challenges and the hardships I have endured. I hope to be an inspiration to others, men and women, suffering in our own demise. It is something so moving to see things with new vision. I’m content. I feel at peace. I still am sad about my ex and I not staying together, goodness, all of this hard work and you would “think” we would be on the homestretch now! lol! I know we deeply love each other. Yet, love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. A lot of very hard work, understanding, compromise, respect, trust, honesty and self reflection is needed by both partners. Willingly, by both partners, not by force.

I truly believe that if more people looked at their situations, if individually they did the  best they can to improve the relationship by improving themselves, more relationships would survive and co-parenting would go much smoother. Ultimately making everyone involved a lot happier!

If you take anything away from my article please take this…

If you know everything about your partner that is flawed to contribute to the relationship stressors..

Now ask yourself, “How did I choose this type of partner?”

I also suggest reading up on Narcissistic/Co-Dependent relationships. You also may have to factor in other issues. (learning disabilities, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Sensory)

It all comes down to how we choose to COPE with childhood trauma. There is a long list of addictions that stem from how we chose to COPE.

Look deep within your own past and find your answers. And know that somewhere along the way, you have made an impression on your partner. Breathe, accept what is and move forward putting the hard lessons to good use, you’ve put a lot of years into getting here!

I hope others are able to work as a team, save marriages, for some it’s refraining from marriage if these things are present in your dating history. Realize what you bring to the table. Then do the work necessary to be the best version of yourself that you can be!

To my ex,

I thank you so much for coming into my life, for giving me beautiful children, sharing those amazing times we did have together! Thank you for giving me all that you were capable of giving. I hope one day you can see what I see and genuinely be happy, you deserve to be happy! Thank you for, unknowingly, being the man I needed in my life to see what I see now. I love you and I Thank you.

(And… when you’re being difficult and cruel, I’ll still forgive you, as you haven’t seen the full journey yet and I understand this.)

For everyone reading this,

Choose HEALTY decisions when coping… Your life depends on it.

 

 

 

Thoughts, Time And Realizations..

I wake up each day feeling like this nightmare isn’t true. As my eyes slowly open and my mind ever so instantaneously relives the previous day and I realize  that, it in fact wasn’t a nightmare, it really is my life.

Any thought of what was and what is lost brings an instant lump in my throat and the tears well up until they no longer can be held back. I let the tears flow as somehow I hope it will bring peace in time. The weight on my chest feels as though I’m carrying around an elephant most times. I understand now how it got to this point, the point of spending almost twenty-two years with a man, married, divorced and raised four boys together. It’s gone. He is gone. No communication, unless it is an occasional text by him, requesting to pick our five year old up for literally a few hours. It’s as though I never even existed. No closure, no final discussion on the end of an extremely massive part of my life.I am learning we don’t always get the closure we had hoped for. It just ends. Yet the heartache, the loss and the pain continue.

I took my son to get a haircut yesterday and while waiting for him a gentleman started talking with me then suddenly asked if I was married. “No, divorced”  I replied. To his “delight” he replied, “So am I!” He said, “You seem nice, do you mind if I give you my number?  I took his number out of pure politeness when honestly, I can’t even right now. I feel like the biggest mess emotionally I can’t even think of considering dating yet. I also know that unless I am 200% attracted to someone I may as not even waste their time or mine, this I know. I honestly think it’s going to be quite along time before I process all I have been through. Maybe, just maybe, once the lump in my throat and the tears that well up subside, maybe then I’ll even be able to consider dating.

Until then, I am focusing on my son and his needs. I am writing to slowly work though my feelings and the excruciating pain I feel right now. I will continue to find my way through the murky unknown territory until one day I am at peace.

I wrote the above paragraphs earlier this morning and as the day progressed so did the weight of the pain, isolation and feelings of abandonment set in deeper. I literally had such an awful childhood of never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Not at either of my divorced parents houses. I never fit in with their new wife/husband and their new children.

As an adult what was my family slowly disappeared and everyone went their own ways. The day my mother died was by far the worst day ever. I lost her whole side of the family which was quite a large family. They just stopped communicating and getting together after she died. My fathers side of my family was actually pretty small. Yet even that side vanished over time. A few years ago  my father and I had a falling out which he decided to not talk to me for over a year. I was so heartbroken by his stubbornness that our relationship was lost. My own father.

We recently tried to have a relationship again and almost instantly he felt the need to tell me what to do as a 42 year old grown woman. He didn’t agree with something I posted on my social media site and he posted in my comments, “Get that shit off of there!” Really? Since  when does his difference of opinion mean I need to “obey” him otherwise I  suffer the consequences of his shitty behavior? I am sorry but I will not allow being treated that way even if it is by my own father.

I’ve learned from one of my sisters from my fathers second marriage, that he was always like this with them, never with me. So I never had seen this side of my father in my younger years. So honestly it was quite shocking as an adult to have him treat me this way. So pretty much every male in my life has treated me awfully. And as I go through my adult years and voicing my feelings instead of stuffing them to please the other person, I am literally losing everyone in my life. If I have ever felt alone, now is the time I feel completely alone. Abandoned is how I feel and it’s devastating at this age. I never have had any really close friends growing up, always people I know and talk with occasionally, yet not a close network of friends especially close friends who I still hang out with. If it wasn’t for social media I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. That’s sad.

I feel like I’ve lost everyone who ever mattered and I also am realizing everyone I am losing has been so extremely toxic to me yet that is all I have known. All of my life people have been toxic and that was starting with my own family. So it’s not wonder the thing I’ve wanted most is a husband who would love and support me, respect me and never leave. I wanted to raise a family that enjoyed being a family, yet ours is just as dysfunctional as they come. I’ve lost twenty-two years of trying to build our family to have it instantly vanish to nothing. No more holidays, no more family getting together, no more birthday parties, no more family vacations.. Maybe it was the idea

No wonder I am so lost right now…

No wonder my heart hurts so incredibly bad..

At forty-two years old, how do you start completely over? With nothing? Literally nothing.

I realize I’ve made poor choices and it took me far to long to realize their impact. I know moving forward what I will not accept in a relationship yet it’s so gut wrenching to know that I just lost twenty-two years. It takes time to build a solid relationship and I have lost so much time. That is the scary truth.

Everything has been going considerably smoothly until yesterday. My ex asked if he could take our son up north, for what I am assuming is a week, as that is what we have done in years past. I have been alright with him picking our son up, taking him swimming for three hours at his mothers home, then driving him back home a few times in the past two months. I have been alright with this because I know he is not drinking. He can’t drink and drive his truck because he recently just got the Alco sensor put back in his truck for the next three years. Which means he can not have any alcohol to start his vehicle. But guess what? He’s going to put the Alco sensor in his Jeep one he gets the whiskey plates of the cars that are in his name, which is all of our cars. That way the state thinks his primary vehicle has it in it and he can have a few and drive his suburban. Beat the system once again. I am absolutely shocked how he always flies right through the system with all  of these violations. He’s a charmer and looks so clean cut and together along with his mommas money he’s yet to actually pay a consequence worthy. He still feels the state is in the wrong and he never should have gotten the B Card the state issued him. In our state, a B Card means no alcohol, ever for the rest of your life. Not even communion. Nada. Zilch.

It’s damn fitting and deserving if you ask me. It just needs to be enforced and not let go every time for whatever reason. Money, pretty sure that’s what does it for him.

Anyhow…

My ex has been paying for our townhome for the past three years along with “my truck” that is titled and loaned in his name. Which he bought for me after the miscarriage. He had me give my paid off truck to his friend. He also has been paying our cable and internet  so my son can watch all of his shows.

I did have a career of thirteen years that I lost due to a major car accident on the way to our divorce hearing. Yup, you read that correct! I am lucky to be here today according to the paramedics that day. Two years after I had to have a four level cervical fusion in my neck and five years later I wore out the lower part of my fusion just by living and moving. I live in constant pain since that moment I was in the accident. I need more surgery yet it will only wear out in a short amount of time and completely restrict my movement which is already compromised. For all of you wondering why I’m not able to afford all of the above. I am guessing I will  be on disability sooner than one would prefer. Yet I have been so consumed with my son and his treatment I have not taken the time to deal with my medical issues to the extent I need to. I do get steroid injections that when they work, or I’m given the correct procedure, it gives some relief and keeps me out of the ER with pain.

Now I do use the internet I will say that. But after we broke it off he said he will continue to pay the rent “for awhile” now that I am forever grateful for. What I am not appreciative of is his using it as a form of control. Because I am not comfortable with our son suddenly spending the night with him, for days away and hours away he sent this message to me yesterday.

“If I am going to continue to pay for you to live, rent, truck and cable. I will see my son.”

Now I told him my concerns for our son. First, he hasn’t had him overnight at all. Second, our son has not been away from me even overnight except one time when we took a vacation and when he was much younger and long before learning of his having Autism. Third, my ex and his family have not been a part of my sons therapy and care at all, not one bit.

They don’t understand how he works, what triggers he has, how to help him or support him. He is so attached to me he would have a very difficult time being away from me for that long. Especially in an environment such as this. I feel this is an extreme stressor for my son and I won’t allow it. I also know that they all drink heavily when on any vacation. The last time I was up there it was a disaster and Keagan and I couldn’t wait to get back home and away from their chaos. I do not trust my ex to take care of our son plain and simple. The way he acts, how he picks at me or the kids for his own sick entertainment,  what he allows, how he talks are always so inappropriate when he is drinking, no child should be around that behavior. The cousins along with my step son and son, who are all under 21 years old, were allowed by my ex and his mother, their grandmother, to drink. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes. This family is so delusional and if I say or do anything against what they feel I am being a bitch, I’m to emotional, I think to much. Bullshit. I am a responsible parent who wants better for my children and I’m fighting a battle I could never win with them as there are far more of them who are sick and only me.

I told my ex I will gladly set up an appointment with a mediator and he said,

“I’m not going to a mediator there is no need, you should work with me. You think I like paying $2000.00 a month? He should be able to have fun and enjoy his family! Ask him I bet he would want to go!”

I am sorry, I am not asking my five year old if he wants to go, of course it sounds fun, yet he has no idea what it entails on his well being and safety. Here again is where I feel like I am dealing with a two year old when talking to my ex. I am a parent and first and foremost it is my job to protect my children. I have a thirteen year old son who is so incredibly messed up and anxiety ridden due to his fathers drinking and his father boasts at how much this boy loves and adores him, how he is connected to his hip at all time. Just sickening. Our son feels the need to take care of his father. Check out children of alcoholics, you’ll see it’s not love, it’s a very unhealthy relationship. Yet you can’t tell him that because in his eyes and his mothers eyes, he is a perfect Daddy.

I don’t think that a person who you just spent twenty-two years with and raised four children with really cared about you, or the children for that matter, would purposefully cause immediate fear and stress of just stopping paying without no notice. What human would intentionally cause this to people who he supposedly loved? It’s so hard to wrap my head around. Probably because I am not that type of person.

Even with all of the awful things he and his mother have said and done towards me, for him at least, I find sadness for him. I’ve known the man for twenty-two years, I know with out a doubt he’s hurt. Yet for him the only way to deal with feelings is by stuffing them so deep, as though they never happened and drink to numb himself. I bet over half his life he can’t even remember details about because he was so intoxicated for so many things.

Today social media reminded me it was four years ago I went in alone for my ultrasound to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It wasn’t there…

While my sons therapist was here tonight I was able to leave for two hours which is nice to have respite care for myself  twice a week. I went to caribou coffee then I went tanning. When I came out I sat in the parking lot for a little bit and I realized it’s slowly sinking in.

How horrific he and his mother treated me when we found out I was pregnant and telling me at thirty-eight years old to have an abortion. Not being supportive while I grieved the loss of my child and just acting as though not saying anything to me for awhile would make it all go away. I remembered when our son, who is five years old now, was born he had to stay in the hospital for nine days and I stayed every day and night with him. One night the guest room had been booked so I didn’t have a place to stay that night, I had told my ex about this and because I didn’t have a car there I needed him to come and get me. At this point it was actually time for me to get away from the hospital for a little bit as it was wearing on me. Well I called him and guess what? He was so drunk watching hockey with a longtime friend over he couldn’t come and get me.

Really?

I remember sitting in the tiny pharmacy awaiting my pain medications, feeling so uncomfortable, sore, mentally exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster  of my newborn baby struggling the first week of his life, him not gaining weight fast enough, my missing my other children and wanting to go home so badly at that moment. I cried so hard because when I called him I could hear it in his voice how drunk he was.. Thank goodness after telling the nurses in the NICU what I was dealing with they made sure I got a room. How thoughtless, rude and selfish of him to treat me that way literally days after having his child and being the one who was dealing with everything in the hospital, he left me to do it alone. Jerk.

As angry as I get and as hurt as I am I always hoped he would want us more and he would do “so well” for short spans and I would be so happy and then it would start over again. Just an awful cycle. I wish he was strong enough, willing enough and had the desire to have our relationship and our family. I always believed in him. I always had hope for him. I always supported him when he was depressed by his actions.

It never was enough..

 

 

 

 

 

Diaper vs Washing machine…and Batman.

Not that my day hasn’t been completely draining given yesterdays events with the ex-husband running into today.
I just went to switch loads of laundry…
My two and a half year old managed to put a pee diaper into the washing machine without my knowledge..
That gel shit is EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ended up googling how to clean it up..as this is a first for me! It is going to take more time then I have this evening and more energy then I could even imagine to muster up.
As my son stands before me in his Batman costume he so badly needed to wear..it has me wishing for some super hero powers myself right now!
He sure is cute though.
Maybe it’s to make me forget that the last can of pop I had..I poured into a glass which my little Batman got ahold of, as we all know two is the age of endless spills, he managed to spill a full glass of Mt.Dew over the entire couch.
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Did I forget to mention I get to work a double in the morning…
I think I’m buying a powerball ticket tomorrow, I’ve got to have something good happen and lord knows a financial miracle would be a great way to start..throw a trip to Key West in and boy would this girl be rejuvenated!
Batman just came running in with “Juuush” boxes, He says,”Mommy juuuush me juuuush!!!” It’s a CapriSun…guess there is my “vacation” down nostalgia lane from when I was a kid.
Vacation over, back to reality.
Oh yeah, damn diaper vs. washing machine dilemma..
Wish me luck.

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck
(seriously thinking of changing my last name…jeeeeez)

Letting Go..

Letting go of people, places and things happen in our own time.  My time is now.  The people who I allow to continuously suck the life out of me..the people I admire for so many other reasons tend to have another thing in common..they suck life from me, instantly.  Maybe these people came into my life for a season..and that season is coming to a change.  In the long run making me better  and stronger for having them in my life at one point.

I’ve let go of the long term pain my alcoholic step-father instilled in me at a very young age..your fat, you have a “n!$$%r” ass..(add to the list of reasons I HATE that word..and I mean HATE, don’t ever say it around me!)

Guess what? I’m not fat. I may not like some things about my body yet the only way I am changing them are for myself, not for what you think, your opinion doesn’t matter.

I’ve let go of my parents divorce and their choice of step-parents for me, while growing up, I had awful and I mean awful step-parents.  I forgive  each of them.  I know better now as an adult.  You know what?  You taught me to never ever in my life treat another human being, another CHILD the way each of you did.  I’m a better person for that. Thank you.

I’ve let go of the resentment.

I’ve let go of the failure I felt with my divorce.  I am a true romantic and I have always been, always will be, no one will take that from me!

I woke up this morning and I just felt different…a strain of events I’m sure lead up to this feeling, the feeling of I’m tired of wanting someone so badly and being treated so poorly.  I caught myself saying, “You put him on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve.”  He touched me so deeply on a spiritual level..I can’t even explain it.  The smell of his skin, the deepness in his eyes as I talked to him…ok, enough.  I’m letting him and the thought of him go. (this one I’m still in the process of letting go as you can see.)

I will let go.

So here is another thought I want to throw out to you all.. sometimes we need to let go and other times we need to distance ourselves, not quite letting go.

Example….

I have had quite a few bumps in the road with my neck lately, four level cervical fusion in 2008 due to car accident on the way to divorce hearing..I know right?!, and I opted out of going to my parents for Thanksgiving.  I spent it with my two year old son..in our pj’s ALL day and eating his favorite..pizza!  It was wonderful for me. I had a rough week leading up to Thanksgiving.

Apparently my father was less than pleased with my decision.  I let it go…I mean I’m 40yrs old, I chose to stay home with my son, so be it.  My birthday came two weeks later, first time I never received a happy birthday phone call from my father.  That irritated me!  I let it go.

I get a text last night from my sister saying our father is sitting on the couch reading my facebook posts out loud to everyone and shaking his head.

Really????

I exercised my right and hit DELETE!  You’ve lost your privilege to my facebook.  If you act like a child, you will be treated as one. End of story.

Here is where distance comes in…it is my own father..yet that doesn’t give him the right to bring chaos, drama and pain/hurt into my life.  He can live that way, I choose not to.  I spent many years of my life always trying to please others at my own expense.  That has been coming to a halt…it’s been a long time coming.

Thank you everyone for playing a part in my life and writing the first few chapters with me…I’m going to write a few of my own for awhile with everything I’ve learned along the way so far.

This blog…

It is my start…I couldn’t be more thrilled!

So thank you for taking the time to read my words..there is so much more to come. 🙂

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck