The Dilemma Of Divorce..

It’s been an extremely rough week emotionally and physically given the amount of time I have put into work while trying to keep my home life at home and work at work.  My ex-husband and I had to text this morning due to daycare issues.  We worked together as usual to make sure our son was taken care of and we each could fill our obligations for the day with minimal disturbance.  As we have always done, we put our children first.

For me it opened the door to say something…I’ve had so many emotions running through me and so many unanswered questions since Sunday.

So I let him know I hadn’t stopped crying since Sunday, if it was to get back at me for the pain I caused him for divorcing him, mission accomplished, I was feeling what I could only imagine he felt then.  I told him that I will always love him and I am sorry it has been such a battle for us.

He was sorry I felt so bad. He agreed it’s been a rough road. He didn’t understand why we can’t live together.

I said that I was under the impression we were trying to see where it would go with us not living together…I guess I was wrong.

He said, “just so you know, I’m not dating anyone.”

Odd thing here…

I’m not upset over “her” I’m hurt by his leading me to believe one thing then him doing another..literally.

We have had so many things against us, the alcoholism, the drug use (cocaine), his mother, her wealth, his upbringing and mine.  Yet we always are there for each other, we each have done our fair share of wrong and we each have hurt each other more than you would think a person could allow.

I also find  strange that we were divorced almost eight years ago and we still have the attraction/connection that we do. Does anyone else find this odd?  I wonder how many people after a divorce still remain so close?

I know by living apart it makes things easier on my end.  I don’t have to see the drunken mess he can be.  It’s such an awful side.  I’ve tried to remember it is a disease and I have tried to remember it is something I can’t change.  The only way I can “handle” the disease is to have my space.  I always felt like I was trapped when around him while he was drinking…it would give me anxiety and I just wanted to be away from him..yet when he is sober, he is the kind, caring man with a heart of gold.

I know it’s also an abandonment issue and a trust issue with women he deals with inside.  His mother left him when he was nine years old.  She left her alcoholic husband for another man.  So she clearly understands, yet would never admit, she knew what I was going through when I filed for divorce.  She left his older brother to take care of him as his father was absent due to the alcohol.  He grew up not having the same boundaries I had growing up as far as parenting goes.

My parents divorced when I was two years old. My mom was pregnant with another mans baby.  My dad was always a great father to me and that I will always remember as a child.  My mom, she was dealing with her childhood and not handling her own marriage/family in the best way possible..but it was all she knew.

The man that seemed to instantly “replace” my fathers presence in our home was an alcoholic and he was extremely verbally and physically abusive to my mother, his two children and myself.

As I’m writing this I instantly had a flash-back..

I was the oldest, I would always try to protect my mother from him.  I remember one time hiding in the corner and I could see my mother trying to call the police and he was throwing glasses at her, I remember her tangled in the yellow phone cord as she dodged the objects thrown at her, I remember them smashing against the wall and the fear in her eyes.

I seem to have so much empathy for my mother, my ex-husband..even an understand for my once step-father. Trust me when I say I think he was an awful awful parent..and I still to this day want to look him in the face and tell him he didn’t break me and I turned out pretty damn good given all of the horrible things he said and did to me as a child.  He treated me the worst because I wasn’t his.  The same thing with my fathers new wife.  She couldn’t stand I was there, she didn’t come into my fathers life accepting of him having a child.  I moved in with my father and step-mother  the summer after sixth grade.  It was not as chaotic over there..a sense of calm.  I had just experienced the death of a best friend and I think I just felt I was exhausted by the craziness of my mothers house.

Little did I know how mentally/emotionally draining it would be living with my father and his wife.

I think that I’ll save for another post..

I wonder how my children will look back their childhood and our divorce. I can’t imagine having your parents still in love with eachother, living apart and your father an alcoholic won’t leave some confusion.