For The Love Of Alcohol(ism)…..

So I was sitting here the other night and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. “I think he is getting his way once again!”
Yet so am I.
I have come to understand fully and completely it is the disease of alcoholism I despise with a passion..not him.
He, meaning my ex-husband, asked me once, “why don’t we stay together yet live apart?, I think it’s just that we can’t live together.”
I am beginning to believe he is onto something..
We get along so well living apart, we have always put our children first and never had an issue between each other in dealing with the children..if we have it’s been easily worked through. We help each other out whenever possible to make things easier for the kids/us..that ultimately benefits the kids and us.
I have to say, when I need to be picked up at 3am from the emergency room…he is always there.
I see his struggles as he too is tangled amongst the webs of his mothers money.
He pays a hefty price also.
I’m angry for what alcoholism and money have done to he and I. I can not deny that..nor would I.

I envisioned my life over the years as transforming myself, my marriage and family into something harmonious with as minimal emotional clutter as one could achieve.
I wanted what I missed in my childhood..
A happy harmonious and close family.
I still want that.

Since I moved out this past July I have had a lot of me time..boy have I needed that! I really appreciate having my’s the most peaceful place I have lived..I knew the second I walked inside to take a look..that it was home. I appreciate my ex husband paying my rent and my car payment. We agreed together the last time not to go back to court and that would be considered “child support.” We share half of daycare for the youngest son and he covers all school expenses for the older boys.

He does this because he cares and can make it easier for me..and the kids. I appreciate him.

Where it became confusing to me was the fact that if we are not married, not living together and not doing things with each other’s families then we are ending “us” and beginning a new future that doesn’t include each other.. In time I figured we would each meet other people and our lives would continue separately.

It’s not working out that way.

At first I was irritated and felt a similar feeling of being “trapped” I’m questioning it again.

He made it very clear if I were to date someone he would quit paying the rent and car payment..which in return would bring us back to court and that in itself is a shit show to be reckoned with..and that’s not counting his mother, her money and her fondness of a certain attorney who’s retainer alone is $10,000.00….the courts seem to adore him.

At first I didn’t want to date anyone..then I had one person I would have dated..yet time had proven he was only there to teach me lessons that I needed to master in my life..and then he would vanish forever.

The reason my ex husband said these things is that was his only recourse to “keep” me.

I can honestly say he loves me with all of his broken heart..I can say this because even after all we have been through he still is always there and willing to help me, he listens to me, he shares his feelings with me and works together for the best interest of our children. He is forced to play games within his own family…as that is a dysfunction all of it’s own. It has been for him since he was a child.
His mother left him at a young age..left her alcoholic husband with two children to raise.
Being a mother to boys I can’t imagine ever leaving my children. I have seen the pain it has caused my ex husband and the feelings of abandonment, mistrust and the feeling of having to deal with the world on his own as a young boy.
He turned to alcohol at the age of fifteen.

It breaks my heart for his childhood and what he went through. We can’t change the past, yet I feel we have a choice not to live in the present with childhood mishaps. I have also learned this isn’t true for everyone. Not everyone can have a positive outlook, let go of the pain, forgive the deep wounds. Some people have been so hurt for so long and have been surrounded by addictions their whole lives…that even when they have attempted to change..they have been defeated by the ones they love and “trust” so that complicates it even more.

I have learned first hand when family or friends know you, then you make a choice to change things about yourself they are the ones who have a hard time understanding or adjusting…you seem to have something “wrong” with you or your new way of thinking..
I’ve come to learn, it’s not me who has an issue it’s the other person. They feel your supposed to stay the same person they have known all along and when you change, they are the ones who are not comfortable.


For me it has been letting go of the constant people pleaser person I was. I’ve learned I do not have to explain myself to please someone example would be this past Thanksgiving. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional and physical problems due to my neck, more than anyone knows as I don’t show or talk about it as often as it’s a problem for me. I had an extremely rough week leading up to Thanksgiving, I only had that day off from work and I was mentally and physically exhausted. All I wanted was a day at my house with my son sitting in our jammies all day long and doing nothing but being lazy! So that is what I chose. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had! We had my sons favorite dinner…PIZZA!
In my choice to stay home I upset a family member, my father. Things haven’t been the same between us since. As far as I am concerned that is an issue he is having within himself and it’s not mine to fix. I let it go as best as I can and I understand that is his choice in being upset or short with me over my decision not to attend a holiday with everyone. I’ve learned what mattered most was my need of down time and it happened to fall on a be it. I’m not going to feel guilty because I upset someone, even if it means someone being my own father. I did what I needed to do.

I know how difficult my situation was for me so I can only imagine what my ex husband has to go up against within his own family, especially with the dependence financially he counts on and the control held over him..




Feeling Robbed..

I just got home from work and I tend to be up until the wee hours lately..maybe I’m a vampire..who knows.   So on my way into work the ex husband text me to say his flight was getting ready to leave and he was on his way to Hawaii.  Yippy fucking skippy.  Honestly, it brought me to tears that I fought off like a spider monkey while driving my youngest to daycare so I could go to work.  Why in the hell it hit me so wrong is what I pondered on my drive after leaving daycare.. You know what it’s that great feeling of hurt again..  I don’t want to hear about what we should be doing, where we should be.

I cry because I wanted to be married.  I wanted to be a wife…I still do. (to a better partner) I love being a mother more than anything else in this world..I want another child, even at forty.  I feel robbed of that happiness..that opportunity.

I made a mistake and chose an alcoholic as a partner..and it didn’t help over time the money that became apparent along with the awful control that is used with having that power of money…and I don’t care what anyone says, if someone has that much money, they are powerful.  There are plenty of people who will kiss ass and hurt others for an opportunity to be “thrown a bone.”

I have first hand witnessed people change over money..the family I was around felt like they could do no wrong…yet it was the most fucked up family I’ve ever seen..