The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.

 

 

 

 

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The Protector And Advocate…

So how am I supposed to support my son when I know the negativity he will be around with his father and his fathers side of the family. Within the first two minutes of my ex picking up our son today, our son was faced with immediate negativity. Our son was packing his backpack to take some toys with to his fathers house. He  wanted to put  a balloon that we got yesterday at the old car show into his backpack when instantly his father said, “You’ll never fit that in there.” I instantly said, “Yes, he will.” Guess what? Our son fit it in there. What the ex doesn’t understand is how his negativity wears off onto the children. My ex doesn’t see this to be a problem so he won’t change it.

Our thirteen year old lives with my ex due to his anxiety which is caused by being a child of an alcoholic. He has to always be around his dad and know his every move or he freaks out.  His father thinks it’s because he’s such a great father and our son is just really in love with him.  I’ve already noticed so many times how it has effected him. Like the times our son searched through his fathers things to find cocaine because he knew he was doing it. He always found it. The first thing out of his mouth is always no, you can’t do that, that’s impossible. Never anything positive and I think it’s really important to watch this type of behavior around children. They are sponges, they will start acting out these negative behaviors, they already do. I guess with children I feel they can be helped. Adults are already so damaged and weak they would continue to live this way rather than putting in the work to change and become healthy, to deal with the excruciating pain they have stuffed down deep inside. Children still have a chance to understand and work through the issues.

You’re probably wondering why I allow my son to live with his father. My son is thirteen, he doesn’t want to change school districts and leave all of his friends. I wouldn’t want to either it makes for an extremely tough transition meeting completely new friends at this age. Another issue is that my son needs therapy to understand what is happening by being a child of an alcoholic, he needs help understanding that the anxiety will lessen if he is no longer in such a chaotic environment.

He needs to know that there are many different things making him feel the way that he does. His father has deep rooted issues and his way is not healthy and it does affect the children. This is why I am making sure I don’t back down to making sure my boys are taken care of in the healthiest way possible. I was terrified during our divorce and after due to the intimidation my ex and his mother put me through. Not this time.

Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…

 

Autism And Kindergarten…

My son is five years old and technically should be starting kindergarten this coming fall. My son also happens to have an Autism diagnosis along with developmental delays and sensory processing disorder. We have been doing as much therapy as we can possibly fit into our lives and it is making a world of a difference yet socially we aren’t where I had hoped to be at the start of kindergarten. My son meets every Monday, well now every other Monday for a social skills group to help him understand common social cues and social situations with peers his age. Most people who look at my son or see him briefly wouldn’t think he struggles in this area  yet he does and severely.

As his mother my desire for him to be mainstreamed in school is a goal and an option I want him to have. I feel by him being around neurotypical children he will learn so much. I also know he will struggle emotionally and that is what I am trying to limit or to protect him from as best as I possibly can. It’s been a real struggle for me in deciding which school he is going to attend, trying to get all the paperwork in to get our IEP set in place and continuing his therapy at St. David’s.

Today when we were waiting for our therapist my son was playing on a mat with cars. He said. “I want to be red! ” And I said, ” Ok! I’ll be…” and just then another boy, whom he’s familiar with and has worked with, came up and grabbed the red car and joined us. Now that instantly made my son shut down, bow his head and become extremely sad and disengaged. He looked up at me and softly said, “I wanted red.” then bowed his head back down in disappointment again.

You see my son does not comprehend these situations like most. It has taken over a year of therapy for him to be able to voice his wants and needs. This comes natural for most. Not my son, he has worked tremendously hard to get where he is at right now. He no longer shuts down completely, I can get him to reengage within minutes verses shutting down completely and not returning to what it was that upset or hurt him. We have made amazing progress yet we still have a ways to go. And looking at the long term I have decided it is in his best interest given his needs of improving his social skills, having to complete a full and functional IEP and having an upcoming move, that it is in the best interest of my son to wait until next fall, when he is six years old to start kindergarten.

This is where his father and grandmother come in. They do not understand my sons diagnosis, they have not been active in his therapy or active in his care. They do not feel Autism is “as big of a deal” as “I am making it.” In their words.

His Grandmother said this to me, “Autism isn’t standing in your way. He will be in school next September. He is not limited with his issues.”

Really?

I’m not sure what planet she’s on?! 

I’d say my son is limited by his condition and that is the reason I have done so much to educate myself and the reason I’ve tried my hardest to inform and educate anyone who has interaction with my son. My son has worked unbelievably hard to get where he is right now and it is  down right an insult to his hard work and my continued hard work and support for him.

And they wonder why I’m making the decisions for my son..

Now you add in the fact we will now have another year under our belt of social skills therapy, we will have enough time to secure a proper IEP in place along with permanently living in the school district and not having to move after he’s already started kindergarten. I’d say that is a very thought out plan. And a plan that is solely based on the best interest of my son and his needs.

Yet, they will never see that…

,

 

Reflecting on love and relationships..

I haven’t written in awhile and I think I’ve had so much building up it’s time for a new post.

I’ve been doing so much reflecting it’s just crazy..

When we we got divorced it was such a whirlwind of chaos and looking back I feel we both gave up to soon..we didn’t fight for what we should have..us and our family.

I don’t know any other couples whom after they divorce…(even during for us)..who through all the anger and hurt each caused eachother..still want eachother with great passion and understanding like we share.

I thought we each would part ways..meet other people and start new lives.  That’s not fully the case for us..here we are eight years after our divorce and still connected..

Sixteen years we share…sixteen years of history and history is what makes a relationship.  I hate being called the ex-wife…I despise calling him my ex-husband.  I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if we both didn’t care for eachother more than ex’s should..

I do know I have changed emotionally for the better, I still have my flaws, yet I know I’m heading in the right direction for me personally.. I am confused as to where to go from here….all I can think is go with the flow and what shall be will be in it’s due time.

Enjoy the moment and moments as they come between he and I…that’s what I’ve come to realize….time will tell.

 

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

For The Love Of Alcohol(ism)…..

So I was sitting here the other night and it hit me like a ton of bricks.. “I think he is getting his way once again!”
Yet so am I.
I have come to understand fully and completely it is the disease of alcoholism I despise with a passion..not him.
He, meaning my ex-husband, asked me once, “why don’t we stay together yet live apart?, I think it’s just that we can’t live together.”
I am beginning to believe he is onto something..
We get along so well living apart, we have always put our children first and never had an issue between each other in dealing with the children..if we have it’s been easily worked through. We help each other out whenever possible to make things easier for the kids/us..that ultimately benefits the kids and us.
I have to say, when I need to be picked up at 3am from the emergency room…he is always there.
I see his struggles as he too is tangled amongst the webs of his mothers money.
He pays a hefty price also.
I’m angry for what alcoholism and money have done to he and I. I can not deny that..nor would I.

I envisioned my life over the years as transforming myself, my marriage and family into something harmonious with as minimal emotional clutter as one could achieve.
I wanted what I missed in my childhood..
A happy harmonious and close family.
I still want that.

Since I moved out this past July I have had a lot of me time..boy have I needed that! I really appreciate having my house..it’s the most peaceful place I have lived..I knew the second I walked inside to take a look..that it was home. I appreciate my ex husband paying my rent and my car payment. We agreed together the last time not to go back to court and that would be considered “child support.” We share half of daycare for the youngest son and he covers all school expenses for the older boys.

He does this because he cares and can make it easier for me..and the kids. I appreciate him.

Where it became confusing to me was the fact that if we are not married, not living together and not doing things with each other’s families then we are ending “us” and beginning a new future that doesn’t include each other.. In time I figured we would each meet other people and our lives would continue separately.

It’s not working out that way.

At first I was irritated and felt a similar feeling of being “trapped”..now I’m questioning it again.

He made it very clear if I were to date someone he would quit paying the rent and car payment..which in return would bring us back to court and that in itself is a shit show to be reckoned with..and that’s not counting his mother, her money and her fondness of a certain attorney who’s retainer alone is $10,000.00….the courts seem to adore him.

At first I didn’t want to date anyone..then I had one person I would have dated..yet time had proven he was only there to teach me lessons that I needed to master in my life..and then he would vanish forever.

The reason my ex husband said these things is that was his only recourse to “keep” me.

I can honestly say he loves me with all of his broken heart..I can say this because even after all we have been through he still is always there and willing to help me, he listens to me, he shares his feelings with me and works together for the best interest of our children. He is forced to play games within his own family…as that is a dysfunction all of it’s own. It has been for him since he was a child.
His mother left him at a young age..left her alcoholic husband with two children to raise.
Being a mother to boys I can’t imagine ever leaving my children. I have seen the pain it has caused my ex husband and the feelings of abandonment, mistrust and the feeling of having to deal with the world on his own as a young boy.
He turned to alcohol at the age of fifteen.

It breaks my heart for his childhood and what he went through. We can’t change the past, yet I feel we have a choice not to live in the present with childhood mishaps. I have also learned this isn’t true for everyone. Not everyone can have a positive outlook, let go of the pain, forgive the deep wounds. Some people have been so hurt for so long and have been surrounded by addictions their whole lives…that even when they have attempted to change..they have been defeated by the ones they love and “trust” so that complicates it even more.

I have learned first hand when family or friends know you, then you make a choice to change things about yourself they are the ones who have a hard time understanding or adjusting…you seem to have something “wrong” with you or your new way of thinking..
I’ve come to learn, it’s not me who has an issue it’s the other person. They feel your supposed to stay the same person they have known all along and when you change, they are the ones who are not comfortable.

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For me it has been letting go of the constant people pleaser person I was. I’ve learned I do not have to explain myself to please someone else..an example would be this past Thanksgiving. I have been dealing with a lot of emotional and physical problems due to my neck, more than anyone knows as I don’t show or talk about it as often as it’s a problem for me. I had an extremely rough week leading up to Thanksgiving, I only had that day off from work and I was mentally and physically exhausted. All I wanted was a day at my house with my son sitting in our jammies all day long and doing nothing but being lazy! So that is what I chose. It was one of the best Thanksgivings I’ve had! We had my sons favorite dinner…PIZZA!
In my choice to stay home I upset a family member, my father. Things haven’t been the same between us since. As far as I am concerned that is an issue he is having within himself and it’s not mine to fix. I let it go as best as I can and I understand that is his choice in being upset or short with me over my decision not to attend a holiday with everyone. I’ve learned what mattered most was my need of down time and it happened to fall on a holiday..so be it. I’m not going to feel guilty because I upset someone, even if it means someone being my own father. I did what I needed to do.

I know how difficult my situation was for me so I can only imagine what my ex husband has to go up against within his own family, especially with the dependence financially he counts on and the control held over him..

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

Never wonder how much more fucked up it could get…

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Yep…so ex hubby left yesterday morning for vacation..we talked Thursday night and I have the schedule from Feb 10th-Feb 20th as far as the kids go..mainly our ten year old and the hockey schedule.

So I worked last night, I was to call our son this am to check in…plan was I pick up at 5pm from either grandmas or dads (staying with 18yr old brother if there) So I call at 11am…get voicemail.

what’s new.

He says he’s going to a friends..I ask for a name and number of friend/parents…I hear grandma in the background giving the info to my son to give to me.  Ok then I will (as planned) see you at your hockey game at 6pm..watch your game then go to my house tonight then bring you to grandmas house on my way to work Sunday.

I get a call at 3pm….

“Are you bringing me to hockey???”

Well apparently he thought he called his older brother.

It’s your mom…

“Oh, well…I didn’t go to my friends so I need a ride now.”

I’m thinking…”what the fuck is your grandmother doing and why can’t she take you now that the plans you and her and apparently your dad (via phone) made….that fell through.

I text grandma…

No reply…when I finally call because my kid has called me 48 times that I ignored due to him throwing a temper tantrum, I state I need to talk to the adult that has my child in her care..she goes on to tell me in her snotty voice, “you need to talk to …. because HE’S  the one to screw plans up!!!”

BITCH PLEASE.

So I call  the ex…and I will bet my life he was wasted when he got a call from my kids friend asking if he could play…so what does drunk/clearly absent minded do? Calls the 10yr old and tells him he can go to a friends if he wants….

Never telling me any of this.

My son has called another 27times wanting to discuss the  situation…I refuse.  I clearly stated to him and his grandmother I will be at hockey, I will watch the game, I will be bringing him home tonight and I will drop him off at her place tomorrow morning before I go to work.

I can’t handle the disrespect from my kids, the lack of adult supervision/responsibility…it’s insane.

They are insane!

I am about at my wits end…I feel like I’ve lost my children to stupidity.

I feel like I might need to start over…and unfortunately at this point that may mean giving my children a choice.

You either follow the rules of my house and my expectations.

You treat me with respect.

Or you pull up your big boy pants you feel you wear…and let me know how that works for you in 20…30..years.

Because your killing me in the process.  It would be similar as being forced to give my children up for adoption..and living near by to see them every day…yet not know them.

My kids are my world…

And my world is crashing in on me right now.

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

Divorce And Your Soul

So I’ve come to learn or realize that there will be situations or moments when I’m reminded of how let down or hurt I still remain by my divorce.  I also instantly remind myself of how brutal the pain was living with him.  As my mother would always say, “This too shall pass.”

And it will..

For the moment..I’m going to allow myself to feel what I feel…it’s sadness, jealously and anger.

Most recently my ex brother in-law became engaged the night before Christmas Eve..my ex husband said he couldn’t pick our youngest up from daycare for me..it was my night so it was understood.  He said the family was going to dinner so his brother could give her a ring..he instantly said, “They aren’t getting married, it’s just a ring.”

I think he said that given he knew how much it meant for me to get my new “just a ring” two years prior on Christmas.  My ring though was picked out with his mother..he claims he designed it..who knows.  And he was completely wasted drunk the day before and the day of..I knew I was getting it, we talked about it..so I open it and honestly I didn’t like it..it was nothing like I had shown him..he picked it out with her and he was so awfully drunk leading up to it..I felt awful but the ring didn’t seem to fit “me” I guess you could say..and when I opened it and put it on he said, “Now you know if anything happens, I get the ring back?”  I think that was the final blow… Just what every woman wants to hear right..

A little insight.. When he proposed to me we were in Naples Florida at Gordon’s restaurant..we, meaning his mother, him and myself.  She kept hinting during dinner..finally he asked me..no bended knee..(he may have fallen over drunk)..his mother so excited lets everyone around us know he proposed…

Well no ring, she gave me a heart shaped god awful looking temporary ring..when we got home I had to drive three and a half hours to get the ring from her home..she was passing on her first ring from her second husband.  I thought how cool is this?!!! For real, I was so excited because it had a really great story of how he proposed to her and he was one of the greatest men I have ever met in my life..he was also dying.  Even though I had to go get it myself..by myself and not a proper proposal..it was a beautiful ring with a beautiful story..that meant the world to me.

So we divorce, I kept the ring..

I never had any intentions of selling the ring..it meant the world to me..even while going through the divorce.  I was in an accident on the way to our divorce hearing..major accident.  I was out of work, lost my job..didn’t have a dime to my name.  I asked him if they wanted to buy the ring from me and I was told they wouldn’t be extorted for money..

That was NEVER my intention.

I sat in the parking lot of the bank, my gas light on..no money, no food and I had to go pick my kids up and needed to get them to school again the next day..I didn’t have any other option in my mind at that moment.  I brought the ring in..I cried the whole time, the lady even asked if I was sure I wanted to do this…I said, “I don’t have a choice.”

Never…ever..were they to let me live that down during the time we tried again three years after our divorce. He and his mother always had some comment to make me feel even worse than I did on my own for having to part with that ring.  I even remember wondering why a woman with so much money WOULDN’T want it back?  I realized why, her hatred of me  outweighed any attachment she had with that ring…I had more sentimental attachment to it than she did…

To this day, I still find that unbelievably sad…

It feels good to tell my story..to get it out..so many close to me may not have known how much that situation affected me..still affects me.

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck