Narcissist And The Last Match…

I’m done crying and I am done trying. I am done listening to the narcissist’s constant spew of ever flowing lies. It’s making more and more sense.. The lies, the twisting and the debilitating way he preys on my kindness and understanding with no remorse, guilt or admission. He moves on to his next victim as he entertains and dances his grandiose version only he thinks of himself and which he tries to portray to his children and closest enablers. The selfishness in hurting your own children in this manor should be an act punishable by law. It clearly is child endangerment, mental harm and setting them up for a life of disillusion, confusion and trauma and ultimately recovery or a life of hell.

Yet nothing will be done. They will fall through the cracks of our intensely messed up society and continue a life long trail of harm. Because there is ALWAYS another victim to replace you. Always.

Ultimately a breech of contract within our own ten commandments surly punishable for an after life in hell with their father, Lucifer.

How does one wrap their head around this calculated and masterminded torture that starts from the very moment you fall for their false persona? How does one make sense of this? Educate yourself, take a look at yourself and if you see you are always hurting in your relationship with occasional bouts of happiness with someone. If you keep changing to make things work yet it’s never enough and there is always a higher bar, always just out of reach and never acknowledged. If you are a positive and optimistic person who is pulled down constantly by their negativity. If  you find yourself believing in their potential more than they do, yet that doesn’t come to light until they no longer can suck anymore  life out of you or when they see you’re catching on and standing up for yourself. Then, you are no longer any good to them and they will leave you. Then you look back and you see it’s been years in the making. You wonder how in the hell all of this happened?

It happens because you are a kind, loving, emotional, giving and positive human being with a soul. That’s why they seek you out. If you lived in a toxic environment growing up infused with alcoholism, mental and physical abuse you are a target. Don’t second guess yourself. Ever. You are the target. It will change your life more than you could ever even possibly visualize or fathom. Until the day the relationship ends and you see how quickly they move on to the next victim as though you are absolutely nothing to them.

They get you to go through a phase where you are trying to explain how you know what’s happening, you bargain to work with a counselor because you dove in so deep educating, trying to find a reason for the constant chaos, then you realize it was their plan all along. They sense your coming to terms and they start to retreat. They surround themselves in the company of their enablers and reclaim their pedestal. Abandoning you. If you’ve been set up over a long period of time you may be so invested, financially it will take everything in your power to be released from their grip. You can and you will. You are fighting for your life now.

Life shattering.

This is the only way I can explain this new found information. How it all comes together to  make perfect sense in it’s true timing. Do not and I repeat DO NOT think poorly of yourself for falling into this awful trap. It’s extremely deceiving and you really are being preyed on for your gift of empathy, your caring, honest and loving personality. DO NOT change this about yourself! Be single until you have dealt with the damage, processed and moved forward from it. You need to make sure you don’t fall for this again! I see all of the red flags looking backwards now.. I see all of the “hooks” he used to keep me constantly hoping for a partnership and family life. It would never happen this I have now learned.

I will not allow myself to be in this type of relationship ever  again. That means my eyes are wide open, my lessons have been learned and I will conquer my past blind mistakes. I am using my pain to push me forward.  I am finally standing up for myself. I was traumatized throughout my childhood and into my adult years by my own blood. I trusted in them to not hurt me. I learned from a very young age and by their teachings on what love is..

THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!

This is what you do. You pick yourself back up, you dust yourself off and straighten that crown! You distance yourself as much as possible from them. Mark my words, if you don’t, they will pull you back in and play off your emotions, trust, heartbreak and pain. They are testing their boundaries with you. They will lie to you, they will guilt you and they make you feel like they want the same out of the relationship. When in fact they don’t want anywhere near the same as you. They are so emotionally dead inside they are not able or capable to love. They are so weak and damaged and they will never ever do anything to change it! They are content moving from one victim to the next and never having to face their demons. They will never see their wrongdoings nor will they ever fully admit to them. I fell for the partial smoke screen admittance, don’t do it! They will eat you alive if you let them.

Physically, I can feel the burning flames and see the clouds of smoke, smoldering around me that I am left and abandoned in and struggling to breathe. Holding onto my children for dear life, giving them any ounce of oxygen I have left to give. He casually walks away, as if to have thrown the final match, never once turning back for even a glimpse. A glimpse would mean he has feelings, emotion or empathy. He is dead inside. He has not an ounce of emotion for others let alone for himself. It’s “His way or the highway.” He walks away from the burning flames and into the arms of the new embers he has so delicately and meticulously cared for in preparation to throwing that final match.

He goes on, never looking back and never having any regrets…for now.

 

Remember this…

Actions truly speak louder than words. And this goes for ourselves and others.

Everything we think we have stuffed or buried within ourselves or ran from will catch up to us…one day it will ALL catch up!

 

 

 

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The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.

 

 

 

 

Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…

 

Thoughts, Time And Realizations..

I wake up each day feeling like this nightmare isn’t true. As my eyes slowly open and my mind ever so instantaneously relives the previous day and I realize  that, it in fact wasn’t a nightmare, it really is my life.

Any thought of what was and what is lost brings an instant lump in my throat and the tears well up until they no longer can be held back. I let the tears flow as somehow I hope it will bring peace in time. The weight on my chest feels as though I’m carrying around an elephant most times. I understand now how it got to this point, the point of spending almost twenty-two years with a man, married, divorced and raised four boys together. It’s gone. He is gone. No communication, unless it is an occasional text by him, requesting to pick our five year old up for literally a few hours. It’s as though I never even existed. No closure, no final discussion on the end of an extremely massive part of my life.I am learning we don’t always get the closure we had hoped for. It just ends. Yet the heartache, the loss and the pain continue.

I took my son to get a haircut yesterday and while waiting for him a gentleman started talking with me then suddenly asked if I was married. “No, divorced”  I replied. To his “delight” he replied, “So am I!” He said, “You seem nice, do you mind if I give you my number?  I took his number out of pure politeness when honestly, I can’t even right now. I feel like the biggest mess emotionally I can’t even think of considering dating yet. I also know that unless I am 200% attracted to someone I may as not even waste their time or mine, this I know. I honestly think it’s going to be quite along time before I process all I have been through. Maybe, just maybe, once the lump in my throat and the tears that well up subside, maybe then I’ll even be able to consider dating.

Until then, I am focusing on my son and his needs. I am writing to slowly work though my feelings and the excruciating pain I feel right now. I will continue to find my way through the murky unknown territory until one day I am at peace.

I wrote the above paragraphs earlier this morning and as the day progressed so did the weight of the pain, isolation and feelings of abandonment set in deeper. I literally had such an awful childhood of never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Not at either of my divorced parents houses. I never fit in with their new wife/husband and their new children.

As an adult what was my family slowly disappeared and everyone went their own ways. The day my mother died was by far the worst day ever. I lost her whole side of the family which was quite a large family. They just stopped communicating and getting together after she died. My fathers side of my family was actually pretty small. Yet even that side vanished over time. A few years ago  my father and I had a falling out which he decided to not talk to me for over a year. I was so heartbroken by his stubbornness that our relationship was lost. My own father.

We recently tried to have a relationship again and almost instantly he felt the need to tell me what to do as a 42 year old grown woman. He didn’t agree with something I posted on my social media site and he posted in my comments, “Get that shit off of there!” Really? Since  when does his difference of opinion mean I need to “obey” him otherwise I  suffer the consequences of his shitty behavior? I am sorry but I will not allow being treated that way even if it is by my own father.

I’ve learned from one of my sisters from my fathers second marriage, that he was always like this with them, never with me. So I never had seen this side of my father in my younger years. So honestly it was quite shocking as an adult to have him treat me this way. So pretty much every male in my life has treated me awfully. And as I go through my adult years and voicing my feelings instead of stuffing them to please the other person, I am literally losing everyone in my life. If I have ever felt alone, now is the time I feel completely alone. Abandoned is how I feel and it’s devastating at this age. I never have had any really close friends growing up, always people I know and talk with occasionally, yet not a close network of friends especially close friends who I still hang out with. If it wasn’t for social media I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. That’s sad.

I feel like I’ve lost everyone who ever mattered and I also am realizing everyone I am losing has been so extremely toxic to me yet that is all I have known. All of my life people have been toxic and that was starting with my own family. So it’s not wonder the thing I’ve wanted most is a husband who would love and support me, respect me and never leave. I wanted to raise a family that enjoyed being a family, yet ours is just as dysfunctional as they come. I’ve lost twenty-two years of trying to build our family to have it instantly vanish to nothing. No more holidays, no more family getting together, no more birthday parties, no more family vacations.. Maybe it was the idea

No wonder I am so lost right now…

No wonder my heart hurts so incredibly bad..

At forty-two years old, how do you start completely over? With nothing? Literally nothing.

I realize I’ve made poor choices and it took me far to long to realize their impact. I know moving forward what I will not accept in a relationship yet it’s so gut wrenching to know that I just lost twenty-two years. It takes time to build a solid relationship and I have lost so much time. That is the scary truth.

Everything has been going considerably smoothly until yesterday. My ex asked if he could take our son up north, for what I am assuming is a week, as that is what we have done in years past. I have been alright with him picking our son up, taking him swimming for three hours at his mothers home, then driving him back home a few times in the past two months. I have been alright with this because I know he is not drinking. He can’t drink and drive his truck because he recently just got the Alco sensor put back in his truck for the next three years. Which means he can not have any alcohol to start his vehicle. But guess what? He’s going to put the Alco sensor in his Jeep one he gets the whiskey plates of the cars that are in his name, which is all of our cars. That way the state thinks his primary vehicle has it in it and he can have a few and drive his suburban. Beat the system once again. I am absolutely shocked how he always flies right through the system with all  of these violations. He’s a charmer and looks so clean cut and together along with his mommas money he’s yet to actually pay a consequence worthy. He still feels the state is in the wrong and he never should have gotten the B Card the state issued him. In our state, a B Card means no alcohol, ever for the rest of your life. Not even communion. Nada. Zilch.

It’s damn fitting and deserving if you ask me. It just needs to be enforced and not let go every time for whatever reason. Money, pretty sure that’s what does it for him.

Anyhow…

My ex has been paying for our townhome for the past three years along with “my truck” that is titled and loaned in his name. Which he bought for me after the miscarriage. He had me give my paid off truck to his friend. He also has been paying our cable and internet  so my son can watch all of his shows.

I did have a career of thirteen years that I lost due to a major car accident on the way to our divorce hearing. Yup, you read that correct! I am lucky to be here today according to the paramedics that day. Two years after I had to have a four level cervical fusion in my neck and five years later I wore out the lower part of my fusion just by living and moving. I live in constant pain since that moment I was in the accident. I need more surgery yet it will only wear out in a short amount of time and completely restrict my movement which is already compromised. For all of you wondering why I’m not able to afford all of the above. I am guessing I will  be on disability sooner than one would prefer. Yet I have been so consumed with my son and his treatment I have not taken the time to deal with my medical issues to the extent I need to. I do get steroid injections that when they work, or I’m given the correct procedure, it gives some relief and keeps me out of the ER with pain.

Now I do use the internet I will say that. But after we broke it off he said he will continue to pay the rent “for awhile” now that I am forever grateful for. What I am not appreciative of is his using it as a form of control. Because I am not comfortable with our son suddenly spending the night with him, for days away and hours away he sent this message to me yesterday.

“If I am going to continue to pay for you to live, rent, truck and cable. I will see my son.”

Now I told him my concerns for our son. First, he hasn’t had him overnight at all. Second, our son has not been away from me even overnight except one time when we took a vacation and when he was much younger and long before learning of his having Autism. Third, my ex and his family have not been a part of my sons therapy and care at all, not one bit.

They don’t understand how he works, what triggers he has, how to help him or support him. He is so attached to me he would have a very difficult time being away from me for that long. Especially in an environment such as this. I feel this is an extreme stressor for my son and I won’t allow it. I also know that they all drink heavily when on any vacation. The last time I was up there it was a disaster and Keagan and I couldn’t wait to get back home and away from their chaos. I do not trust my ex to take care of our son plain and simple. The way he acts, how he picks at me or the kids for his own sick entertainment,  what he allows, how he talks are always so inappropriate when he is drinking, no child should be around that behavior. The cousins along with my step son and son, who are all under 21 years old, were allowed by my ex and his mother, their grandmother, to drink. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes. This family is so delusional and if I say or do anything against what they feel I am being a bitch, I’m to emotional, I think to much. Bullshit. I am a responsible parent who wants better for my children and I’m fighting a battle I could never win with them as there are far more of them who are sick and only me.

I told my ex I will gladly set up an appointment with a mediator and he said,

“I’m not going to a mediator there is no need, you should work with me. You think I like paying $2000.00 a month? He should be able to have fun and enjoy his family! Ask him I bet he would want to go!”

I am sorry, I am not asking my five year old if he wants to go, of course it sounds fun, yet he has no idea what it entails on his well being and safety. Here again is where I feel like I am dealing with a two year old when talking to my ex. I am a parent and first and foremost it is my job to protect my children. I have a thirteen year old son who is so incredibly messed up and anxiety ridden due to his fathers drinking and his father boasts at how much this boy loves and adores him, how he is connected to his hip at all time. Just sickening. Our son feels the need to take care of his father. Check out children of alcoholics, you’ll see it’s not love, it’s a very unhealthy relationship. Yet you can’t tell him that because in his eyes and his mothers eyes, he is a perfect Daddy.

I don’t think that a person who you just spent twenty-two years with and raised four children with really cared about you, or the children for that matter, would purposefully cause immediate fear and stress of just stopping paying without no notice. What human would intentionally cause this to people who he supposedly loved? It’s so hard to wrap my head around. Probably because I am not that type of person.

Even with all of the awful things he and his mother have said and done towards me, for him at least, I find sadness for him. I’ve known the man for twenty-two years, I know with out a doubt he’s hurt. Yet for him the only way to deal with feelings is by stuffing them so deep, as though they never happened and drink to numb himself. I bet over half his life he can’t even remember details about because he was so intoxicated for so many things.

Today social media reminded me it was four years ago I went in alone for my ultrasound to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It wasn’t there…

While my sons therapist was here tonight I was able to leave for two hours which is nice to have respite care for myself  twice a week. I went to caribou coffee then I went tanning. When I came out I sat in the parking lot for a little bit and I realized it’s slowly sinking in.

How horrific he and his mother treated me when we found out I was pregnant and telling me at thirty-eight years old to have an abortion. Not being supportive while I grieved the loss of my child and just acting as though not saying anything to me for awhile would make it all go away. I remembered when our son, who is five years old now, was born he had to stay in the hospital for nine days and I stayed every day and night with him. One night the guest room had been booked so I didn’t have a place to stay that night, I had told my ex about this and because I didn’t have a car there I needed him to come and get me. At this point it was actually time for me to get away from the hospital for a little bit as it was wearing on me. Well I called him and guess what? He was so drunk watching hockey with a longtime friend over he couldn’t come and get me.

Really?

I remember sitting in the tiny pharmacy awaiting my pain medications, feeling so uncomfortable, sore, mentally exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster  of my newborn baby struggling the first week of his life, him not gaining weight fast enough, my missing my other children and wanting to go home so badly at that moment. I cried so hard because when I called him I could hear it in his voice how drunk he was.. Thank goodness after telling the nurses in the NICU what I was dealing with they made sure I got a room. How thoughtless, rude and selfish of him to treat me that way literally days after having his child and being the one who was dealing with everything in the hospital, he left me to do it alone. Jerk.

As angry as I get and as hurt as I am I always hoped he would want us more and he would do “so well” for short spans and I would be so happy and then it would start over again. Just an awful cycle. I wish he was strong enough, willing enough and had the desire to have our relationship and our family. I always believed in him. I always had hope for him. I always supported him when he was depressed by his actions.

It never was enough..

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling defeated at this thing called life..

I am at the point of wondering how I got myself where I am at in this rollercoaster life…or why am I here.  I apparently feel that love, happiness, family, compassion, understanding, excitement, trust, appreciation and respect are things that should be in all relationships yet I can’t recall any relationships that have been built with the above. I honestly feel so alone and sad at the lack of these things in my life. I had an awful childhood..who didn’t?..yet it just keeps rolling over into everything else in my life and I’m damn sick of it.  So if any of you have followed me you know I had gone a full year without any contact from my father..you know what? That sure changes things a whole hell of a lot! I don’t desire a relationship with him because of that..that side of my family..I have nothing in common with and no real attatchment any longer. My Mothers side..well let’s just say once she died so did they..I was the only child from my mom and dad so as far as siblings go..I only have one of four I am in occasional contact with given we all went our own ways. I think about it and on my Fathers side I wasn’t the one to seperate us as a family..last year when they all went on a family vacation I found it extremely hurtful I wasn’t even included and later to find out they talked about asking me..I never was asked so that’s where that went..I shouldn’t have expected anything less as I was treated as an outsider from the day their family was created. 

Then comes my marriage/divorce relationship..the hear and now of it is I am tired, exhausted and plain and simple lonely in a loveless relationship..I can’t tell if it’s him having (undiagnosed) Aspberger’s that is the biggest problem or the combination of that, the drinking and the money/control..I think it’s all playing a part of my exhaustion quite frankly.. We just returned from a family vacation..what a disfuction.  Kids under age allowed to drink/smoke pot, our 12yr old..who had chosen to stay with dad when I moved out, is unbelieveable..swearing constantly arguing constantly not taking his medication because dad won’t inforce it and I am in utter disgust at how he is turning out..no respect and thinks he can do whatever he feels..well he does because that’s what dad allows..my 18yr old just grabs a beer and when I asked him what he was doing he said, “I don’t think a couple is a big deal!” Yet he knows I CLEARLY DO NOT APPROVE..hence I didn’t see him do again..at least he respected that from what I could tell the rest of the time.. 

I sat on the deck watching them all and it really hit me how sad I am as a mother my two children have chosen to be at their dads..neither call and check in with me nor do they stay over anymore..why would you when you get a credit card for anything and everything you want? When you can drink in the shed with friends and girls and dad allows it..heaven forbid I bring that up to thier father..I’m just being a bitch about it all and he sees nothing wrong with it..coming from a man who just lost his license due to a “B” card violation…which he’s going to court this week for..yet hasn’t talked one word to me about..whole two and a half hour car ride with maybe ten words said to eachother..the only time he made any attempt at showing any affection towards me was when he woke up because his dog woke him up..and heaven help me to go into what an awful dog he has raised…he decided to wake me up at 7am..after 18yrs he knows not to wake me up at that time..for sex..when I woke up crabby he said it was for me..yeah..no you are being your selfish self again and your only looking to satisfy yourself..that didn’t end well..so needless to say later that morning when our diagnosed Autistic son didn’t want to wear his lifejacket down to the beach..which is a no bend rule..he has to always wear it..and never bucks it..until dad goes along with it..then I come down and make him put it on…guess who is the bad guy..this mom right here..our son yelled he hated me over and over for making him put it on when dad didn’t…when I got upset with dad and told him he needs to back me up I was told to shut the fuck up…yeah that’s because he didn’t get laid so now I get struggles and attitude the rest of the day..fabulous.

Now bring work into it and we have a full shitshow completion..so I work in a bar as a bartender..we just were made to go through certification on “safe serving”..then we have an issue of a manager and a waitress (two others involved) with serving known (all friends) minors..may I say we have failed two stings thus far and NOT on my watch! ..so no one wants to tell the boss and it gets told to me then I have a situation where the waitresses involved were working on my shift..I thought something was going on so I checked into it..the boss thinking they were possibly serving minors so he jumps up and checks everyones ID’s…at this time I make it clear to these waitresses I know what has gone on and it’s NOT happening on my shift! The one freaks out and rats out the manager and another waitress for serving two different minors..one being her boyfriend..the next day manager in said incident text me telling me to stay out if it she will take care of it..now we have a long running butting heads..she has got to be one of the worst managers I’ve yet to see in the industry…it’s always something..but the day she had me suspended for something off the clock put me at the end of dealing with any of her shit anylonger…long story short boss paid me for time missed plus extra and her and I just steer clear of eachother..all is good.  Well after this last incident and once she text me starting shit I had enough and explained to my boss what was going on because I respect him and I know that once he did find out..if he ever would have..he would have been so disappointed in me for keeping that from him…I literally had such anxiety I couldn’t sleep for shit since I found out and would have to see him knowing what I knew..well that’s another mistake on my part…he suspended them all for a weekend then they were all back like nothing ever happened…so you can imagine how much fun I am having at work with these people now..on top of my niece going in and a waitress that was involved making a comment to her friends and not serving my niece because she is related to me…wtf is going on in this world is all I can think anymore…

I think I’ve had my fill..I’ve always been a positive person and I feel like that person has been lost..the only true enjoyment I find is being with my four year old son..god bless his loving innocent soul.
Ms.Luck

Oh Father..

As I’ve been dealing with a vast change when it comes to relationships in my life, I have come to learn my own family is not exempt from this change.

I’ve owed my father some money for quite some time and I will pay him back as soon as I can..unfortunately financial prosperity isn’t a problem I am blessed with..so it’s taking longer, though never forgotten by me.

I can’t imagine that alone is what has caused the distance between my father and I…If so I find resentment if his reason for lack of contact is based on money…given my younger sister still lives in his home with her son..and I can bet my life she owes him far more than I ever have.

It all started this past Thanksgiving…

I had my first steroid injection in my neck given all the problems/pain I have been having with a previous surgery.  I had the injection on Tuesday..took off work Wednesday and Thursday…returning Friday knowing I needed the money.  I ended up having some complications to the injection during the procedure..thought I was going to die..literally…then that night I started reacting to the steroid itself. Needless to say I had been feeling awful and in a lot of pain for 18 weeks prior to the injection so this was no fun day at the park.  I was so exhausted physically and mentally I decided I didn’t want to leave the house on Thursday..Thanksgiving.  I knew my father was going to be upset we weren’t going to be there that alone caused anxiety…like why do I even have to feel bad for him being upset when at forty years old I am quite alright in making a decision that I don’t need to be “punished” for by my father.

As the days went on and on…it came to my birthday..Dec 2…no phone call from my father…no happy birthday on facebook…nothing from him. Extremely unusual for him..then it hit me…he’s still pissed over Thanksgiving.  Now it really started to bother me…then Christmas comes and he and I still have not spoken…yet he had been reading my face book postings and knew what a rough time I was having with my neck…not one phone call to even ask how I was.  That lead to a strange Christmas where him and my grandmother didn’t have much to say…yet either did I as I could feel the tension..so I interacted with my sisters, children and nieces and nephews in the living room and when I had enough and was ready to go we said good bye and left.  It was enjoyable because I didn’t let he and grandmas tension get to me.

Then about a month or so later my sister text me telling me our father is sitting on the couch reading all my face book posts out loud with an attitude…(mind you we still haven’t talked since the day of my first injection.) and my sister told him to knock it off..no one cares. (her family and my other sister were apparently..god knows who else.) So I told her..watch this, if he’s going to act like a child, he will be treated as one! So I deleted him from my facebook.  I figured it would take about a week for him to figure out it wasn’t something wrong with his ipad…I deleted him.  That is exactly what happened….except then a few weeks later I get a text from my step mother saying, “Hi! Your dad looked at my phone last night and saw that we were friends on facebook. Oops. We just tell him he must have unfriended you!” My response, “I will tell him I deleted him, I did because of the way he acted reading my posts out loud yet can’t pick up the phone and call me!”

The next text…….TEXT…I get is, “Did you hear your dad is having his hip replaced on the 5th? Thought you might want to know!”

I still have not heard from my father…he didn’t even call to tell me!

I am so angry with him for the way he has acted and above all..to try and make it  like I did something wrong for not going to a holiday…it may be wrong I am being stubborn and that I didn’t call prior to his surgery, yet I told myself if something did happen to him during surgery that it was his choice to play the “I’m going to give you the silent treatment because I’m disappointed in you game.” not mine!

I realized no wonder I have the views towards men that I do…given my examples growing up and this awful game my father chose to play now..

I for once am disappointed in my father..

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

Letting Go..

Letting go of people, places and things happen in our own time.  My time is now.  The people who I allow to continuously suck the life out of me..the people I admire for so many other reasons tend to have another thing in common..they suck life from me, instantly.  Maybe these people came into my life for a season..and that season is coming to a change.  In the long run making me better  and stronger for having them in my life at one point.

I’ve let go of the long term pain my alcoholic step-father instilled in me at a very young age..your fat, you have a “n!$$%r” ass..(add to the list of reasons I HATE that word..and I mean HATE, don’t ever say it around me!)

Guess what? I’m not fat. I may not like some things about my body yet the only way I am changing them are for myself, not for what you think, your opinion doesn’t matter.

I’ve let go of my parents divorce and their choice of step-parents for me, while growing up, I had awful and I mean awful step-parents.  I forgive  each of them.  I know better now as an adult.  You know what?  You taught me to never ever in my life treat another human being, another CHILD the way each of you did.  I’m a better person for that. Thank you.

I’ve let go of the resentment.

I’ve let go of the failure I felt with my divorce.  I am a true romantic and I have always been, always will be, no one will take that from me!

I woke up this morning and I just felt different…a strain of events I’m sure lead up to this feeling, the feeling of I’m tired of wanting someone so badly and being treated so poorly.  I caught myself saying, “You put him on a pedestal he doesn’t deserve.”  He touched me so deeply on a spiritual level..I can’t even explain it.  The smell of his skin, the deepness in his eyes as I talked to him…ok, enough.  I’m letting him and the thought of him go. (this one I’m still in the process of letting go as you can see.)

I will let go.

So here is another thought I want to throw out to you all.. sometimes we need to let go and other times we need to distance ourselves, not quite letting go.

Example….

I have had quite a few bumps in the road with my neck lately, four level cervical fusion in 2008 due to car accident on the way to divorce hearing..I know right?!, and I opted out of going to my parents for Thanksgiving.  I spent it with my two year old son..in our pj’s ALL day and eating his favorite..pizza!  It was wonderful for me. I had a rough week leading up to Thanksgiving.

Apparently my father was less than pleased with my decision.  I let it go…I mean I’m 40yrs old, I chose to stay home with my son, so be it.  My birthday came two weeks later, first time I never received a happy birthday phone call from my father.  That irritated me!  I let it go.

I get a text last night from my sister saying our father is sitting on the couch reading my facebook posts out loud to everyone and shaking his head.

Really????

I exercised my right and hit DELETE!  You’ve lost your privilege to my facebook.  If you act like a child, you will be treated as one. End of story.

Here is where distance comes in…it is my own father..yet that doesn’t give him the right to bring chaos, drama and pain/hurt into my life.  He can live that way, I choose not to.  I spent many years of my life always trying to please others at my own expense.  That has been coming to a halt…it’s been a long time coming.

Thank you everyone for playing a part in my life and writing the first few chapters with me…I’m going to write a few of my own for awhile with everything I’ve learned along the way so far.

This blog…

It is my start…I couldn’t be more thrilled!

So thank you for taking the time to read my words..there is so much more to come. 🙂

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck