The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.

 

 

 

 

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The Protector And Advocate…

So how am I supposed to support my son when I know the negativity he will be around with his father and his fathers side of the family. Within the first two minutes of my ex picking up our son today, our son was faced with immediate negativity. Our son was packing his backpack to take some toys with to his fathers house. He  wanted to put  a balloon that we got yesterday at the old car show into his backpack when instantly his father said, “You’ll never fit that in there.” I instantly said, “Yes, he will.” Guess what? Our son fit it in there. What the ex doesn’t understand is how his negativity wears off onto the children. My ex doesn’t see this to be a problem so he won’t change it.

Our thirteen year old lives with my ex due to his anxiety which is caused by being a child of an alcoholic. He has to always be around his dad and know his every move or he freaks out.  His father thinks it’s because he’s such a great father and our son is just really in love with him.  I’ve already noticed so many times how it has effected him. Like the times our son searched through his fathers things to find cocaine because he knew he was doing it. He always found it. The first thing out of his mouth is always no, you can’t do that, that’s impossible. Never anything positive and I think it’s really important to watch this type of behavior around children. They are sponges, they will start acting out these negative behaviors, they already do. I guess with children I feel they can be helped. Adults are already so damaged and weak they would continue to live this way rather than putting in the work to change and become healthy, to deal with the excruciating pain they have stuffed down deep inside. Children still have a chance to understand and work through the issues.

You’re probably wondering why I allow my son to live with his father. My son is thirteen, he doesn’t want to change school districts and leave all of his friends. I wouldn’t want to either it makes for an extremely tough transition meeting completely new friends at this age. Another issue is that my son needs therapy to understand what is happening by being a child of an alcoholic, he needs help understanding that the anxiety will lessen if he is no longer in such a chaotic environment.

He needs to know that there are many different things making him feel the way that he does. His father has deep rooted issues and his way is not healthy and it does affect the children. This is why I am making sure I don’t back down to making sure my boys are taken care of in the healthiest way possible. I was terrified during our divorce and after due to the intimidation my ex and his mother put me through. Not this time.

Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…

 

It all ends…you’ve broken me.

Well folks…I gotta say he (ex-husband) sure duped me.  He has fully and completely broken my heart this time.

I found out today as I am bringing our son to hockey what he got so emotional about the other night.  He over heard his grandmother talking to her friend and knew something was up..in fact his father slept with her gardeners sister while on the trip to Hawaii…

Nothing like he and I sleeping together for the past three months and him coming over to my place and having sex after Hawaii…fucking makes me want to puke.

I asked him so I knew where we stood..he said he wasn’t fucking anyone nor was he looking for a girlfriend.

Today after dropping our son off at hockey I text him saying, “So you slept with Amanda in Hawaii…I got it.  Good luck with her.”

His reply, “Have a goodnight at work.”

Yeah….thanks.

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I tried…can’t say it isn’t the hardest thing to hold back that lump in your throat, the elephant on your chest and put on a big old smile for everyone you see.  And all my co-workers know something is wrong with me…they ask and I never thought I’d have to decline a hug…as I knew it would open the flood gates of hell.

I will get through this.

I hope the good lord has something better planned for me in this life because it feels as though no matter where I look my life is falling apart.  It’s almost as though I have this awful black cloud that won’t leave me and I honestly wonder if it ever will.

Maybe I need to change back to my maiden name.. I kept it because I guess in the back of my mind I thought one day we would actually work through our bumps..or maybe when his mom kicked the bucket..apparently it’s not just her that’s the problem.  Now he has become a liar… I think it was his way once and for all to get back at me for filing for divorce as that broke his heart more than ever…I’ve never heard the end of that either.

I’m unbelievably heartbroken right now..but “This too shall pass.”

I feel quite broken and lost right now yet I know it can’t last forever and this will be the true test of when one door closes another opens.

Focus on my children, my job and myself.

That’s what I will continue to do.

A few extra prayers would gladly be welcomed I can’t deny that!

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Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

Divorce And Your Soul

So I’ve come to learn or realize that there will be situations or moments when I’m reminded of how let down or hurt I still remain by my divorce.  I also instantly remind myself of how brutal the pain was living with him.  As my mother would always say, “This too shall pass.”

And it will..

For the moment..I’m going to allow myself to feel what I feel…it’s sadness, jealously and anger.

Most recently my ex brother in-law became engaged the night before Christmas Eve..my ex husband said he couldn’t pick our youngest up from daycare for me..it was my night so it was understood.  He said the family was going to dinner so his brother could give her a ring..he instantly said, “They aren’t getting married, it’s just a ring.”

I think he said that given he knew how much it meant for me to get my new “just a ring” two years prior on Christmas.  My ring though was picked out with his mother..he claims he designed it..who knows.  And he was completely wasted drunk the day before and the day of..I knew I was getting it, we talked about it..so I open it and honestly I didn’t like it..it was nothing like I had shown him..he picked it out with her and he was so awfully drunk leading up to it..I felt awful but the ring didn’t seem to fit “me” I guess you could say..and when I opened it and put it on he said, “Now you know if anything happens, I get the ring back?”  I think that was the final blow… Just what every woman wants to hear right..

A little insight.. When he proposed to me we were in Naples Florida at Gordon’s restaurant..we, meaning his mother, him and myself.  She kept hinting during dinner..finally he asked me..no bended knee..(he may have fallen over drunk)..his mother so excited lets everyone around us know he proposed…

Well no ring, she gave me a heart shaped god awful looking temporary ring..when we got home I had to drive three and a half hours to get the ring from her home..she was passing on her first ring from her second husband.  I thought how cool is this?!!! For real, I was so excited because it had a really great story of how he proposed to her and he was one of the greatest men I have ever met in my life..he was also dying.  Even though I had to go get it myself..by myself and not a proper proposal..it was a beautiful ring with a beautiful story..that meant the world to me.

So we divorce, I kept the ring..

I never had any intentions of selling the ring..it meant the world to me..even while going through the divorce.  I was in an accident on the way to our divorce hearing..major accident.  I was out of work, lost my job..didn’t have a dime to my name.  I asked him if they wanted to buy the ring from me and I was told they wouldn’t be extorted for money..

That was NEVER my intention.

I sat in the parking lot of the bank, my gas light on..no money, no food and I had to go pick my kids up and needed to get them to school again the next day..I didn’t have any other option in my mind at that moment.  I brought the ring in..I cried the whole time, the lady even asked if I was sure I wanted to do this…I said, “I don’t have a choice.”

Never…ever..were they to let me live that down during the time we tried again three years after our divorce. He and his mother always had some comment to make me feel even worse than I did on my own for having to part with that ring.  I even remember wondering why a woman with so much money WOULDN’T want it back?  I realized why, her hatred of me  outweighed any attachment she had with that ring…I had more sentimental attachment to it than she did…

To this day, I still find that unbelievably sad…

It feels good to tell my story..to get it out..so many close to me may not have known how much that situation affected me..still affects me.

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck