Feeling Robbed..

I just got home from work and I tend to be up until the wee hours lately..maybe I’m a vampire..who knows.   So on my way into work the ex husband text me to say his flight was getting ready to leave and he was on his way to Hawaii.  Yippy fucking skippy.  Honestly, it brought me to tears that I fought off like a spider monkey while driving my youngest to daycare so I could go to work.  Why in the hell it hit me so wrong is what I pondered on my drive after leaving daycare.. You know what it is..it’s that great feeling of hurt again..  I don’t want to hear about what we should be doing, where we should be.

I cry because I wanted to be married.  I wanted to be a wife…I still do. (to a better partner) I love being a mother more than anything else in this world..I want another child, even at forty.  I feel robbed of that happiness..that opportunity.

I made a mistake and chose an alcoholic as a partner..and it didn’t help over time the money that became apparent along with the awful control that is used with having that power of money…and I don’t care what anyone says, if someone has that much money, they are powerful.  There are plenty of people who will kiss ass and hurt others for an opportunity to be “thrown a bone.”

I have first hand witnessed people change over money..the family I was around felt like they could do no wrong…yet it was the most fucked up family I’ve ever seen..

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

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Divorce And Your Soul

So I’ve come to learn or realize that there will be situations or moments when I’m reminded of how let down or hurt I still remain by my divorce.  I also instantly remind myself of how brutal the pain was living with him.  As my mother would always say, “This too shall pass.”

And it will..

For the moment..I’m going to allow myself to feel what I feel…it’s sadness, jealously and anger.

Most recently my ex brother in-law became engaged the night before Christmas Eve..my ex husband said he couldn’t pick our youngest up from daycare for me..it was my night so it was understood.  He said the family was going to dinner so his brother could give her a ring..he instantly said, “They aren’t getting married, it’s just a ring.”

I think he said that given he knew how much it meant for me to get my new “just a ring” two years prior on Christmas.  My ring though was picked out with his mother..he claims he designed it..who knows.  And he was completely wasted drunk the day before and the day of..I knew I was getting it, we talked about it..so I open it and honestly I didn’t like it..it was nothing like I had shown him..he picked it out with her and he was so awfully drunk leading up to it..I felt awful but the ring didn’t seem to fit “me” I guess you could say..and when I opened it and put it on he said, “Now you know if anything happens, I get the ring back?”  I think that was the final blow… Just what every woman wants to hear right..

A little insight.. When he proposed to me we were in Naples Florida at Gordon’s restaurant..we, meaning his mother, him and myself.  She kept hinting during dinner..finally he asked me..no bended knee..(he may have fallen over drunk)..his mother so excited lets everyone around us know he proposed…

Well no ring, she gave me a heart shaped god awful looking temporary ring..when we got home I had to drive three and a half hours to get the ring from her home..she was passing on her first ring from her second husband.  I thought how cool is this?!!! For real, I was so excited because it had a really great story of how he proposed to her and he was one of the greatest men I have ever met in my life..he was also dying.  Even though I had to go get it myself..by myself and not a proper proposal..it was a beautiful ring with a beautiful story..that meant the world to me.

So we divorce, I kept the ring..

I never had any intentions of selling the ring..it meant the world to me..even while going through the divorce.  I was in an accident on the way to our divorce hearing..major accident.  I was out of work, lost my job..didn’t have a dime to my name.  I asked him if they wanted to buy the ring from me and I was told they wouldn’t be extorted for money..

That was NEVER my intention.

I sat in the parking lot of the bank, my gas light on..no money, no food and I had to go pick my kids up and needed to get them to school again the next day..I didn’t have any other option in my mind at that moment.  I brought the ring in..I cried the whole time, the lady even asked if I was sure I wanted to do this…I said, “I don’t have a choice.”

Never…ever..were they to let me live that down during the time we tried again three years after our divorce. He and his mother always had some comment to make me feel even worse than I did on my own for having to part with that ring.  I even remember wondering why a woman with so much money WOULDN’T want it back?  I realized why, her hatred of me  outweighed any attachment she had with that ring…I had more sentimental attachment to it than she did…

To this day, I still find that unbelievably sad…

It feels good to tell my story..to get it out..so many close to me may not have known how much that situation affected me..still affects me.

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck