Letting go..

So the time has arrived to let go for once and for all. Twenty-one and a half years. Over.  The time came to make a choice for my son and myself. Was I going to stay in a relationship that was not progressing and was toxic or was I going to let go of it and head into the unknown?..

We had yet another episode of him drinking and it affected our son who has Autism along with affecting me even further.. It’s as though it was the final push for me to voice it and in doing so his mother found what I had written and she shared it with him. Which  in return ending the relationship. What did it say? Well it was another blogger I follow and he had asked a simple question.. “Right here Right now tell me the 100% honest truth.” So I did.

I wished I had a career and that I would have done more in my earlier years because now I am facing  a real struggle.  I’m living in a townhome that my ex husband pays for, which I GREATLY APPRECIATE for my stress level and the sake of not uprooting our Autistic son. The reality is I can’t afford it on my own. I don’t want to move for my son’s sake, this is the only home he’s known and he is to start kindergarten in the fall. I said that I felt stuck and I wanted out of the relationship due to his drinking and not being present emotionally even after I had literally been begging him for months, actually years looking back.. He felt writing a check was to cover everything it takes to make a relationship. And this was nothing I hadn’t said to him not even four months prior. For years for that matter! Something had to give and it had to give quick as I was at a crossroad of no longer being able to live this way and in this type of relationship.  I  have tried everything possible to make us work.. I truly believe he checked out years ago, two to be exact, as that’s when I still tried after he blatantly cheated on me twice. And lied right to my face over and over the first time. Then seven months later our kid walked in on him with his friends, recent, ex-girlfriend. Oh but wait, he’s a sex addict who was drunk and high on cocaine so there has to be an exception right? Always alright if he does something hurtful, always a reason it should just be swept under the rug. My mistakes oh hell every time he was angry mine were front and center of topic. Hypocrite.

I have written so many heartfelt letters essentially begging him to be present in our relationship, to respect me, to include me and to show me he wants our relationship to continue. I’ve taken long hard looks at myself and changed the things I could for the better and no matter what,  it was never good enough for him. Always something else I wasn’t doing right or not appreciating in his words. Narcissist…ya think?

I am starting to understand as I let go. I was very codependent when we met and over the past few years I’ve worked on me, hoping to progress our relationship for the better, yet it didn’t work out that way. I’ve learned  he is a narcissistic alcoholic who absolutely has traits of a sociopath. Along with his immediate family members having very toxic beliefs and actions along with distorted realities paired nicely with many other toxic traits. For one, a mother who made many awful choices needs to understand she doesn’t a “second chance” to fix her mistakes by acting as though the grandchildren are her own children. I’m pretty sure I didn’t marry, divorce or fuck her to have my children so I’m pretty fucking sure I do not need to consult or include her on how I raise my children. Oh wait! I forgot, she pays for their schooling so that means in her eyes she gets control, forgive if I misunderstood. Yeah, honey that’s called “strings attached”  and that is the only way she knows to “help” someone. It’s pretty tough I’m sure for her to accept her choices that hurt her children when they were young. I mean having an affair on your husband who is an alcoholic and leaving two young boys with him then returning later in their life surly wasn’t enough to fuck them up, why not add all the money you inherited to hold over their heads to get your way to top it off? Sounds perfectly fucked up to me. She  had her  chance and she continues to make awful choices,  she puts  her opinions where they are not warranted or wanted and ultimately  affect her sons and her grandchildren for her personal satisfaction. Wicked and sick. It’s sick how she put her sons in situations where ultimatums were given if they didn’t do what she wanted. It’s sick how she treats the mothers of her grandchildren. The grandchildren see this. They feel it and know it yet that doesn’t matter to her because she has her own agenda and that clearly is all that matters. Again, sickening.

I can’t believe the things my ex mother in-law has said and done towards me. Here is one example. So her son and I become pregnant when our youngest was fifteen months old, of course he and I freaked out. Well he cries to mommy how this isn’t what he wanted and blah blah blah so she tells me how I need to have an abortion! Totally freaked the fuck out on me because her baby at the age of 42 years old hasn’t figured out how to prevent a baby. Sadly I miscarried days after her awful confrontation. Karma struck quite quickly, her dog was mauled and killed a week later. The sad part was I couldn’t find one ounce of empathy for her due to her pure cruelness to me over a HUMAN her GRANDCHILD who died a week prior.  My therapist was in awe herself. I have learned by having awful step-parents and an awful mother in-law exactly how NOT to be either of those people  in life. Thank you for that.

No wonder anything I tried to do to make it a positive and healthy relationship failed between my ex and I.  No wonder I doubted so many things I knew to be true. How on earth did I not see the destruction when voicing my personal concerns how it always was spun to be about what I did to hurt his feelings and how everything about me was brought into it and by the end of the conversation my feelings or his part in hurting them were never acknowledged. My  head would spin trying to keep up with his roller coaster conversations. To the point it ended with me not being appreciative some how.

Mindfuckery.

That is what it was. I wish I would have known what I know now, before investing so many years to be so heartbroken and essentially abandoned by him, the man I thought would protect me, raise a family together with, support me emotionally and want the best for our future. I was wrong.

Now I’m left knowing I have to let it go. Yet it doesn’t change the fact it hurts like fucking hell.

It hurts even more to know I was always chasing potential. I was always seeing what I thought any human would work towards in a relationship. Working towards that bond that is so strong and a love that prevails all. Raising children together, planning the future and having my best friend.

I was wrong.

I have a great and huge heart. I want the best and I somehow have picked disasters to date or marry. I get that my childhood plays a part yet I think it’s a part that’s so interwoven even I wasn’t able to differentiate. Then BAM I’m sideswiped by the reality the past twenty-one and half years was leading up to this master disaster.. unreal.

So my question now is this, how to do you let go? How do I make sure this type of person stays as far away from me as possible and I never ever date someone like this again? Because I don’t want this in my life. I don’t want to be in a relationship for so many years only to find the other person is so deeply flawed they themselves don’t even want to change.

I’m afraid to trust.

I’m scared that I’ll shut out anyone with good intentions and who genuinely wants the best for me. I’m afraid I won’t be able to see the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” again..

And after this long I can’t tell if I need to go out and have a fling just to get him out of my mind? To satisfy MY needs for once? Yet I know that would only be for instant gratification and would carry it’s own guilt.  How the hell do you even date now days? I’m dead serious.. I feel like a damn tsunami rolled though my heart and soul and I’m left clinging to a tree with no one around..

There should be a special place in hell for people who damage your soul so badly. Or karma should make frequent visits to them for life. I’m angry and I’ve earned that right.. I just don’t understand how people can be so cruel.

You see I’m trying to get to acceptance as quickly as possible because I do get it. I want to bypass being so hurt, sad and angry. I want to put the intermittent flare ups of anger towards him in the past so I can move forward. Forward to what I don’t have a damn clue.

I do know in time I want  a meaningful partnership free of verbal and emotional abuse. Free of alcoholism. Free of narcissism.

I want a partnership that love truly grows within and we each encourage each other to grow into the best version of ourselves that we can be! I want a happy family. A healthy family.

So for now I’m going to focus on myself and getting my self educated enough to not make this same mistake again. And hopefully one day I’ll meet the one who will show me exactly why none of the others ever worked out.

 

 

 

 

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