The Letter I’ll Never Send To My Ex….

So you decided to come over to talk with me. After a night of your sending me dick pictures and wanting to fuck me because you like fucking me and wanted to remind me of that. Then realizing immediately after that you shouldn’t have done that knowing how badly it hurts me while you shove all emotions aside.

I think it’s that moment of realizing and feeling  bad that gets me and makes me feel so strongly that there is hope for you. For us. Maybe it’s all a façade and I’m to unhealthy to fully comprehend it as such. So I keep hoping.

Only considering you feelings during sex and that instant gratification you get. Emotionless sex. You freely admit to it. That’s why you already found someone else to sleep with then push her to the side because you don’t want a relationship not realizing you’ve just started another. And that to will end awfully. Maybe not for you, but for her, another damaged soul by your lack of concern in another persons feelings. Just pushed them aside to satisfy your own needs for that moment. Heartbreaking.

I feel like I already know the answer to this huge puzzle. You won’t stop running. It’s far to painful. No matter what I show you, no matter how invested and loyal I am, you’ll keep running.

Hopefully once I start with my therapist and work though ending codependency I will stop hurting for something that will never exist between us. The narcissist will never change. He is “happy” in his vicious cycle. I have a chance and I will grow from this. I think in time I will let go of the strong desire to be a partner with you. God I hope so, I can’t continue to cry like this, my  mother’s death was as painful as this is for me. Yet you carry on stuffing emotions and being supplied by your inner circle of family and friends who will continue to tell you to stay on your path. Why wouldn’t they, you supply their needs as they supply yours.

Hours later I sit here and wish I could have realized all of this before you stopped wanting to try.. maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. The worst part is I actually thought today, “What if we just slept together?” because I want to hold you and feel you in the way that I feel close to you..

Then I remind myself sex is just that, sex, to you. No emotional attachment for you. It makes me wonder if ever you attached any sort of emotion to our sex or was I just like any other woman you’ve had sex with, just an object? I guess I should have asked that. Because maybe like everything I’ve read tells me it’s impossible for you to have true emotions or connections…

****This letter was written about a month after I had been discarded by my narcissist. He never actually said our relationship  was over, he never talked about anything until a month later when I asked him to come over so I could say some things and get closure or an understanding. He just quit talking and he text to schedule picking up our son. I wasn’t calling him because at this point I was done unless he made a serious apology and his behavior changed. His actions proved as a month went by what his plan was all along and he had in fact secured a new supply months before he discarded me. This I found out later. For me from this point it was absolute hell emotionally. It took me three months to even breathe, to stop crying uncontrollably at any given moment. To try and make some sort of sense out of what just happened.. I will be posting soon to give a recap of what I have learned and what has happened in the past five months.

Stay tuned…..






Driving through tears..

It’s been three days since I learned of my ex-husbands rendezvous while on vacation and any moment I have not busy I find myself with tears streaming down my face. My heart physically hurts and it’s so hard to breathe.. I wish there was a magic button to make it all go the button that instantly made him go away..
I know it sounds crazy being he is my ex-husband and yes I filed for divorce, yet since we divorced in 2006 there has been a lot between us still and for it to end so abruptly and in the manner that it did absolutely breaks my heart.
Sixteen years together pretty much..I guess I hoped one day we would work through our issues and be a family..maybe because it’s been so drawn out.
I’m not sure anymore.
I understand everything happens for a reason and in it’s right time and we may never understand until further down the road..and then again we may never understand why things happen the way they do..this one crushes me right now, that I know.
I’m afraid to ever see him..I’m afraid I’ll break down the second I do and that I’ll see satisfaction in his eyes instead of the compassion I once had seen in him.
I’m going to miss him..I’m going to miss the thought of us pulling through and being a family like we intended.
I guess I need to for once and for all let go..
Let go of what I wanted so badly all these years with him and accept that it will never be, no matter how hard I try or how hard I believe we could have made it.
It would be a lot easier to accept this if it were under different circumstances I guess. If I would not have been lead to believe we were headed in the direction of a positive outcome between us.
I have to remember he is forever bitter and resentful for my divorcing him, when in fact it was the alcoholic I wanted to divorce, not him.
I have to remember he is an alcoholic, he is a mommy’s boy and the conscience he so proudly boasted about does not exist…for he has proven that. I think that’s what digs the knife in deeper to my heart…after all the things he has said about me and how awful I was…he did exactly what he preached about him never doing and being so proud of that.
The tears ceased for now…
Maybe gentle self reminders of the not so pleasant side will awake my inner ability to move through this with grace.