The Protector And Advocate…

So how am I supposed to support my son when I know the negativity he will be around with his father and his fathers side of the family. Within the first two minutes of my ex picking up our son today, our son was faced with immediate negativity. Our son was packing his backpack to take some toys with to his fathers house. He  wanted to put  a balloon that we got yesterday at the old car show into his backpack when instantly his father said, “You’ll never fit that in there.” I instantly said, “Yes, he will.” Guess what? Our son fit it in there. What the ex doesn’t understand is how his negativity wears off onto the children. My ex doesn’t see this to be a problem so he won’t change it.

Our thirteen year old lives with my ex due to his anxiety which is caused by being a child of an alcoholic. He has to always be around his dad and know his every move or he freaks out.  His father thinks it’s because he’s such a great father and our son is just really in love with him.  I’ve already noticed so many times how it has effected him. Like the times our son searched through his fathers things to find cocaine because he knew he was doing it. He always found it. The first thing out of his mouth is always no, you can’t do that, that’s impossible. Never anything positive and I think it’s really important to watch this type of behavior around children. They are sponges, they will start acting out these negative behaviors, they already do. I guess with children I feel they can be helped. Adults are already so damaged and weak they would continue to live this way rather than putting in the work to change and become healthy, to deal with the excruciating pain they have stuffed down deep inside. Children still have a chance to understand and work through the issues.

You’re probably wondering why I allow my son to live with his father. My son is thirteen, he doesn’t want to change school districts and leave all of his friends. I wouldn’t want to either it makes for an extremely tough transition meeting completely new friends at this age. Another issue is that my son needs therapy to understand what is happening by being a child of an alcoholic, he needs help understanding that the anxiety will lessen if he is no longer in such a chaotic environment.

He needs to know that there are many different things making him feel the way that he does. His father has deep rooted issues and his way is not healthy and it does affect the children. This is why I am making sure I don’t back down to making sure my boys are taken care of in the healthiest way possible. I was terrified during our divorce and after due to the intimidation my ex and his mother put me through. Not this time.


Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…


Never wonder how much more fucked up it could get…


Yep…so ex hubby left yesterday morning for vacation..we talked Thursday night and I have the schedule from Feb 10th-Feb 20th as far as the kids go..mainly our ten year old and the hockey schedule.

So I worked last night, I was to call our son this am to check in…plan was I pick up at 5pm from either grandmas or dads (staying with 18yr old brother if there) So I call at 11am…get voicemail.

what’s new.

He says he’s going to a friends..I ask for a name and number of friend/parents…I hear grandma in the background giving the info to my son to give to me.  Ok then I will (as planned) see you at your hockey game at your game then go to my house tonight then bring you to grandmas house on my way to work Sunday.

I get a call at 3pm….

“Are you bringing me to hockey???”

Well apparently he thought he called his older brother.

It’s your mom…

“Oh, well…I didn’t go to my friends so I need a ride now.”

I’m thinking…”what the fuck is your grandmother doing and why can’t she take you now that the plans you and her and apparently your dad (via phone) made….that fell through.

I text grandma…

No reply…when I finally call because my kid has called me 48 times that I ignored due to him throwing a temper tantrum, I state I need to talk to the adult that has my child in her care..she goes on to tell me in her snotty voice, “you need to talk to …. because HE’S  the one to screw plans up!!!”


So I call  the ex…and I will bet my life he was wasted when he got a call from my kids friend asking if he could play…so what does drunk/clearly absent minded do? Calls the 10yr old and tells him he can go to a friends if he wants….

Never telling me any of this.

My son has called another 27times wanting to discuss the  situation…I refuse.  I clearly stated to him and his grandmother I will be at hockey, I will watch the game, I will be bringing him home tonight and I will drop him off at her place tomorrow morning before I go to work.

I can’t handle the disrespect from my kids, the lack of adult supervision/responsibility…it’s insane.

They are insane!

I am about at my wits end…I feel like I’ve lost my children to stupidity.

I feel like I might need to start over…and unfortunately at this point that may mean giving my children a choice.

You either follow the rules of my house and my expectations.

You treat me with respect.

Or you pull up your big boy pants you feel you wear…and let me know how that works for you in 20…30..years.

Because your killing me in the process.  It would be similar as being forced to give my children up for adoption..and living near by to see them every day…yet not know them.

My kids are my world…

And my world is crashing in on me right now.




Feeling Robbed..

I just got home from work and I tend to be up until the wee hours lately..maybe I’m a vampire..who knows.   So on my way into work the ex husband text me to say his flight was getting ready to leave and he was on his way to Hawaii.  Yippy fucking skippy.  Honestly, it brought me to tears that I fought off like a spider monkey while driving my youngest to daycare so I could go to work.  Why in the hell it hit me so wrong is what I pondered on my drive after leaving daycare.. You know what it’s that great feeling of hurt again..  I don’t want to hear about what we should be doing, where we should be.

I cry because I wanted to be married.  I wanted to be a wife…I still do. (to a better partner) I love being a mother more than anything else in this world..I want another child, even at forty.  I feel robbed of that happiness..that opportunity.

I made a mistake and chose an alcoholic as a partner..and it didn’t help over time the money that became apparent along with the awful control that is used with having that power of money…and I don’t care what anyone says, if someone has that much money, they are powerful.  There are plenty of people who will kiss ass and hurt others for an opportunity to be “thrown a bone.”

I have first hand witnessed people change over money..the family I was around felt like they could do no wrong…yet it was the most fucked up family I’ve ever seen..