The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.

 

 

 

 

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Heart ache and Crossroads..

How does a woman deal with the loss of a child through miscarrige? Time..time gets you to move forward..never forgetting yet you move forward in life. It’s been three years since I lost  child at 8wks. When I found out I was pregnant I felt such a sense of “completion” inside as though I knew with this child it would be my last..What I wasn’t prepaired for was not being able to have this child or for that matter have my “last” child.  I understand another will never replace my lost child. What I do feel is incomplete…even three years later. It has come down to time..Im in the last year I feel is acceptable to have another child..I’m 41..I would love the opportunity to possibly have a daughter..after three boys and a step-son a girl would really be enjoyed and change my elder years..yet another boy I’d be just as blessed!  Problem…my other half has decided he will not give me another child…which has caused a lot of tension for us as he stands his ground I am trying to accept yet he can’t even be supportive towards my feelings. I’m sure your all wondering at this point why on earth would I want another child with this man..well honestly, it would be much easier than trying to meet someone else who would want a child and I can’t do it by myself..I also want my children to have the same father. And..I can’t exactly “start over” at this point in life.. He said his reasons for not wanting another child are that he is too old..he will be 45 in July..he claims he never should have had children as he is tired of being responsible for others and can’t wait until they are all grown and out of the house…ugh that makes me so angry!! This life isn’t about racing to the grave for gosh sakes..I feel life is NOW having our children, raising them..teaching and learning from them..learning how precious they are and how amazing they are..here’s the real kicker…he has asperger’s which in return our 12 and 4yr olds are on the Austism spectrum..which I can tell you is NOT a death sentence for my children or us! They are the most amazing kids ever! You just have to be educated on how these children learn and grow best..it’s not your grandparents parenting..it’s called having compassion and patience and slowing down to really understand these kids..something I am full of..my kids are my life they are the most precious gifts ever bestowed apon me..my focus has always been my children as my partner is never fully engaged given he is an alcoholic on top of it all..hence the reason we can’t live together..I accept his disease at a distance..if he’s doing well I will be around him..if he’s not…I go home..the more I type the more rediculous this all sounds.. I don’t even know where to go from here at the moment.. Any thoughts would be appreciated.

 

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

The Days of Our Lives…Ever Changing.

It’s been quite a while since I’ve written and many things have changed.. As my ex-husband and I were going through our difficulties I was trying to understand our youngest son and the issues that pertain to him. During this process I opened our eyes to a whole other world.  A world that has more understanding, more compassion, more empathy and more love than I ever thought possible.  I had come across a couple articles during my research of autism that felt as though the person writing them was looking through my eyes as they wrote these articles. I thought how could that be? No one had been there through each and every situation I had with my relationship..how could they be so accurate? I sent my ex-husband these articles in hopes of an understanding for our son and our coparenting…what I received in return was unimaginable. My ex-husband actually responded with, ” Jesus Christ,  I think I have asperger’s!”  I commend him in this and his willingness to learn more for our son, himself and our relationship.

I feel like the past 17 1/2 years are making more sense and I believe that what has been in my heart all along is making its way to our reality.  My ex-husband (boyfriend) and I have agreed that we will be together and we will be a family. He has given me my ring which is never coming off!  We may be a little less traditional because we do not live in the same household even though we are still together..hey, it works for us, for now. I personally feel once the children are older and we have things under better management we could all live together again.

We have recently come to learn that our four year old has been diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder…something I have known for some time as I’ve done my fair share of research…yet who can ever fully prepare to hear your childs diagnosis from a team of Doctors…I thought I was prepared…thought is the key word.  The level of fear I felt the moment we were told this I was unprepaired to feel and uncontrollably began to sob..it was the fear that terrified me..as it doesn’t change a single thing about how I feel for my son..I have had such an overwhelming amount of love for this little boy and a much deeper connection than with my previous children.  Our pediatrician and our team of Doctors all noticed this amazing connection he and I have.  Hearing them tell me this was as amazing for me to hear as it was for them to see.  I have always been extremely protective of my little boo and a calmness in he an I’s  relationship is one like no other I’ve experienced.  I was definately picked to be his momma for a reason as he was chosen to be my son for a reason..

The days of our lives…ever changing…

Sincerely,
Ms. Luck