The Devil’s Spawn Among Us…

Narcissist are literally Lucifer’s children living among us and ruining lives everywhere they turn as they carry on as if they are on top of the world and everything is perfect.

Yet the trail of their destruction is never ending and causes trauma in generations to last unless it is addressed and dealt with by family, friends and contacts. I just was researching articles as my 13yr old son. Who is living with his father due  to his not wanting to change school districts when I moved out four years ago. What my son doesn’t realize is that he has such a fear of something happening to his father if he isn’t around him and that is the main source of his anxiety. He needs to know where his father is at all times, calls him multiple times throughout the day out of fear. What is most terrifying is my son has said to me on numerous occasions, “Move back in with dad, I’ll make him stop, I’ll tell him he as to!!” It literally tears me apart because he doesn’t see how mentally unhealthy this thinking is. I keep telling him the only person who can change is his father. He lost his wife, he lost us as a family and that still wasn’t enough to stop him. I repeatedly had to remind him it is not his responsibility to fix his father and there is nothing he can do to change his behaviors and addictions. My son has gotten to the point of not even contacting me unless I initiate contact due to this other woman always at his house and he is afraid it will upset me. I have made it very clear my only focus is my relationship with him. I am not concerned with this other woman nor am I concerned with what his father does unless it effects him. Right now, the actions of his father are effecting my son. Severely unfortunately and it’s breaking my heart. Listening to the things my son says and his views towards me are sickening. They are sickening because he is being brainwashed by two narcissists. He was placing blame on me for our family not working out, because I left due to his fathers drinking. He felt I should just accept it, as his father and grandmother feel it’s my issue and my fault that I cannot “accept him for who he is.” I’m sorry I can no longer support a grown man who has no intentions on stopping this awful behavior and to continuously bring arguments and stress to the relationship due to his actions while drinking. I can no longer support a man who spends more time numbing his pain with alcohol, drugs and sex (multiple women) than owning up to and facing his issues. He is severely damaged due to his narcissistic mother, his alcoholic father, his mother abandoning him as a young child and being sexually assaulted by his babysitters as a young boy. These are issues I cannot fix. I have offered my never ending support if he were to seek help, I would have stood by his side through it all, yet he chose to abandon our relationship so he doesn’t have to deal with his demons. He started another relationship and left an awful disaster for us to deal with. I had no choice but to stop. I had to stop trying for the potential I could see in him. I had to stop believing in him because now my mental health is damaged along with my children’s mental health being damaged. It literally took four months of being away from him and dealing with his no contact and ice cold behavior to realize he never had any intentions of having a true relationship. Because he is not capable of dealing with his issues nor is he capable of changing them. Narcissist, alcoholic and sex addict.

When we were still dating/together I was able to have some sort of eye on what was going on at his house and protect my children because I was always over at his house. One of my  main fears by ending the relationship with their father was that I would no longer  be near them to protect them if I wasn’t dating him. Right now he has a breathalyzer in his truck. At the end of this month the whiskey plates come off all of the vehicles and this is when all hell is going to break loose. My ex will be putting the breathalyzer in his second vehicle and he will continue to drive his primary vehicle. Now is when he will have a few drinks or the next morning, when he claims he is just fine after a night of drinking, he will drive again. (he has a personal breathalyzer, which he had shown the kids while on a family vacation this past August, he blew a 0.10 the next morning.) I did not allow our 5yr old to attend this vacation as I knew what would happen in regards to the family and their drinking. I have been very clear with him that he will not drink around our 5yr old. He will push this boundary and he will not have me tell him what he can or cannot do. When he pushes the boundary I will not allow our son to go with him or be at his home. This is when the ex is going to get ugly and his mother will step in with their attorney. This is when the ex will threaten to or stop paying what he’s been paying for the past four years.  Our home, my truck and the cable/internet. What is sad is my 13yr son said, “You should be grateful he’s paying out of the kindness of his heart, you know he doesn’t have to do that.” This is when I made it understood that his father has a financial obligation for his children so in no way shape or form am I to be “grateful” he is doing these things. Along with the fact his father put me in a financial situation he knew I could not afford and that kept him in control. Which I didn’t see back then unfortunately. And the fact that my 13yr old son has this thought process is directly coming from the brainwashing by his father and grandmother. I have also made it known to my son that I am extremely concerned for his wellbeing and his mental health which our last conversation confirmed my fears.

Since I ended the relationship with my ex I’ve been able to see the whole picture and what really has been going on all these years. I have known the things my ex’s mother has said and done were not right though I tolerated her behavior for my ex. As I learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am literally terrified for my children! I see how my good intentions, trust, hope and wanting the best for my ex and us as a family were manipulated against me. I see now how a lot of things were red flags from the very beginning. I’m embarrassed I am now in this situation and that I brought children into this disaster. This breaks my heart more than anything.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching to try and understand how I got where I am and why I feel the way I do. Point blank my best intentions were used against me and I never saw it coming. This is such a twisted mindfuck of a situation and then you throw their wealth into the mix, along with his narcissistic controlling mother and I’m not completely sure where to begin. I do know that a lot of the documenting I have been doing over the past few years was my knowing something wasn’t right. I also know this is what will make it clearer to the abuse that has been taking place for so many years. My children do not need to learn about this in the way I have. Through years of struggling, heartache and pain. It isn’t supposed to be this confusing.

I understand now that my childhood absolutely affected my life, my thoughts and my actions in my adulthood. I was always at such a loss for why the opposite of what I wanted in a relationship was always happening. I see now it’s by my accepting disrespect that these relationships failed. Because I grew up in such chaos I unknowingly seemed to seek out relationships that mimicked my childhood. I accepted horrible behavior as love. Love does not hurt. Love is not harmful. Love is kind, patient and love is unconditional. This I now understand. I also felt the need to help everyone every time anyone had a problem. I was the first in line to help them. Never once have I stepped back and said, “I can’t help them.” or “It is not my job to help them.” Until now.

I am now focusing on my needs and what I need to do to break this awful cycle of abuse. I no longer allow others to disrespect me, degrade me, control me or belittle me. I no longer try and “save” or “fix” others.  I understand if  I want to help others my best option is to focus on a career in helping others. A career in helping others will be a great way for me to still be supportive to others and to give them the proper tools to help themselves. In addition to becoming  financially stable for myself and my children which is something I desperately need to accomplish.

I wrote this a couple months ago and I have a lot more to write about though I felt this needed to be published also. I have to say this has been one incredible and unbelievable journey!