So Fucking Tired Of Crying…

When will this stop?! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! So my ex came by  yesterday so we could talk and I could get some bit of closure. That actually was really good. Now mind you the night prior he was drunk sending me dick pictures wanting to fuck me more than anything. Yet we managed to just talk, nothing more, when he came over yesterday. It was so bittersweet, relieving and saddening all in one. I think the hardest part was when I gave him a hug and our five year old son came running over and said, “Group hug!!!!” And it was the longest and quietest hug ever.. Then last night he text me, “I never want to hurt you. I want you to know that.” So of course I respond and then we get into texting and then he decides to call me. So we are talking, which I can tell he’s had a couple drinks, and it feels like he’s trying to understand things and explain his feelings then suddenly I hear our 13 year old in the background say, “Is Emily still here?”

Ok, hold the fuck up! I said, “Was Emily just there?” And he began to tell me yes they went and had a few drinks and he couldn’t take it any longer and told them all to leave including her. I seriously was in awe that he would have gotten away with this if I hadn’t heard our older son in the background. (whole other issue already bringing a woman around our very deeply troubled thirteen year old) Now mind you this is the woman his “great” helping friends, set him up with a month after we broke up, to help him. These are not healthy friends that is no wonder I didn’t care for most especially this couple! Now I know this man and he ain’t doing anything other than trying to get laid to feed his needs. He doesn’t want a relationship (he isn’t capable of a true relationship) and I told him well he’s started one by fucking her! Here is my problem, I know this and I understand how fucked up he is and how damaged he is yet I still am in love with him, I still want him to seek help to be healthy and quit running and stuffing his pain. That is fucked up! My God..

I decided to be blunt in my writing of this because I know I need help. Just because I understand his pain doesn’t mean I should not allow him to hurt me. Or expect me to be accepting of this type of behavior. Yes, he sent her away and yes he called me. He shouldn’t even THINK of being with another woman if he wanted me and all of me! I could care less about her because I know she’s going to get hurt. If she doesn’t see it now, soon she will. Maybe she will be fine with it like I was for so long who knows. I do know he  will shove her aside because he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone but me yet we can’t figure out why it’s always a constant battle. Actually I’ve figured it out. He wants to get away with not facing his demons and taking it out on me. And he chooses the decisions he has. Not me.

Guess what? I know why it is! Because I allow him to walk the fuck all over me! That’s why! So why in the fuck can I not stop the constant flow of fucking tears..

Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words. I have this everywhere in my house for a reminder to myself along with a plethora of other positive and inspirational sayings to drill it into my head I DESERVE BETTER DAMN IT!!!!!!

It’s the 22 years of going through hell and back together, he’s always been there up until now, through all of the dedication and changes I’ve made over the past five years hurt the most. I was working so hard for our relationship.. I was no angel I’ll tell you that right now. I didn’t act appropriately when his drinking hurt me ten years ago. In return I hurt him. Which I learned I would never in my life do to another human being again. I am strong enough to speak my feelings now. Or leave the relationship if it’s toxic. (Trust me, I’m very aware and will be extremely cautious when the time comes to get involved in another relationship. For now and some time I’m just focusing on myself, my children and our health and happiness.)

I’ve learned so much yet I feel I’m still so far from understanding it all at the same time.

Why am I crying?

Because I know deep down he’s a good man in a tremendous amount of pain. Because it was not all bad. Not at all. Just that the bad was so hurtful to me I would shut down or get angry. Because everything feels like it was for nothing and I feel like it wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Oh God please give me strength right now. Please make these tears go away. I feel like my heart is being ripped out right before my eyes..

I’m finding a therapist as soon as the week is over because I need to work on me that is for sure. I see and know that if a man truly loves you they would never inflict this horrendous amount of pain on me. I know this. But the tears don’t stop.

See already just writing this out, seeing it in front of me brings clarity, that I need help. And it makes the anger towards him come back and the tears stop for the moment.

I fucking hate this. I knew it would be hard leaving just as I knew staying would be hard. I hate knowing there is a part of him, inside there somewhere deep down, that he doesn’t want us to end. I hate knowing he chooses unhealthy addictions to “deal” with his pain. We both had such traumatic childhoods that it set us up for this type of relationship without fully realizing it.

He told me something new last night about his childhood and I feel like he knows he can confide in me, yet now I wonder is it just another ploy to keep me hanging on? This is killing me inside.

The positive that I have learned is for once in my life I actually enjoy being alone in the physical sense. I hate he and I are not going to make it to the happily ever after, yet I don’t want to run out and get involved in any way with someone new. I know I need to make sure I am healed and know how to stick to healthy boundaries or walk away. I know I can’t fix others yet it’s in my nature to be a caregiver. That is also what bonds me to my ex. I know every single aspect of his life and I just want to see him happy yet I have sacrificed myself in the process which is not healthy. And I will not repeat this in the next relationship.

It’s interesting because I wrote the above paragraphs three days ago..

My prayer’s once again have been answered. I feel stronger than ever and the tears have been at bay. The second I get the inkling that I may get choked up, I stop and remind myself this:

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!!!

It instantly makes me look at the reality of it and I’m back to being strong for ME. I see how badly I’ve been suffering in pain and he isn’t there. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, he isn’t here for me, in a loving and respectful relationship way.

That isn’t love.

He cares about me and is concerned for our son and I in the way of financially making sure we are safe and have a roof over our heads. For that I am grateful.

Actions speak louder than words….

The #1 Symptom of Codependency (it’s not what you think)

Thank you very much for this article.
~Sincerely the codependent in a narcissistic relationship.

oliviapelts

In my previous blog post Learning how to Stand Back Up, Again: How to fight your inner demons  I laid out the 5 core symptoms of codependency as organized by Pia Mellody in her work, Facing Codependency. While there are several books on the topic, the way in which Pia approaches codependency is palatable and comprehensive in how she puts “flesh” on the issue in all types of settings and relationships. In short, Pia does an excellent job in showing you the myriad of ways codependency looks across all platforms. Whatever you thought codependency was before, this perspective will likely give you a much bigger picture and understanding of an extremely common issue.

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The Lies And Truth…

I can tell you this much, ending a 22year relationship isn’t easy, it’s absolutely fucking heart wrenching! How does someone suddenly stop all conversation and treat you as though all those years meant nothing, not a God damn thing!? I feel like I put every ounce of myself into the relationship to constantly battle issue after issue after issue. I loved so many things about him when he was sober. When he looked at me with love and compassion, when I meant something to him.

Now I’m absolutely nothing to him.

He is so cold. Even in a break-up I could never in my life be so cold to another human being. How do you just drop everything and start fucking someone new and bury any and all emotion to our relationship? I have to remind myself that by being a narcissist is how you do this. Yes, I see all the evidence right in front of me yet it seriously doesn’t take away the absolute devastation and heart break I am feeling right now.

Why can’t I just let go?  Why do I have to grieve the hardest I’ve had to grieve yet other than my mothers death? Why am I grieving a person who for the past two years has treated me with nothing but disrespect, control and manipulation. Like a puppet. Why did I have to be the person to see his potential and hope more than ever one day soon he would see it also? My dreams were for us. For our children. Our family.

Now it’s gone, over and done. Just like that.

I feel like you can be so open and honest with a person then have them use it against you to make you feel awful only to support their shitty behavior towards you. Then spend so many years going through some of the most difficult times with each other and supporting the person to  become the best version of themselves that they can be and then just be shoved aside as though all of it meant absolutely nothing at all. How can people be so cruel? Why?

It’s been a very hard day for me since a message from him earlier this morning. I clearly see he has put me in the past and moved forward. He quit. And it brought on instant flowing tears on and off all day and evening.

I feel like it was all a lie.

And the truth is we were toxic together, yet why do I still see and feel that th is shouldn’t have ended like this? I’ve realized my codependences and I have done everything to learn how not to be that way and my actions prove this. He agreed with everything I learned on what he was dealing with to help him. He would listen and talk a little about it and agree. Yet there was never any action behind the words.

My head is spinning and I want this heart break to end. I want to shut it out or deal with it anything to make it take it’s course as fast as possible so I don’t hurt so terribly bad any longer.

It’s crazy because about three months prior to our ending I noticed the way he looked at me. It was the look of sadness. The look of distance. It was the look of guilt. I knew something was off then and I asked him yet he always denied it. I feel like that’s when he was securing his next “fix” and knew he was going to say good bye to me in the near future. His eyes showed more than he could ever imagine. I knew this man very well yet now, I feel like I’ve never even met him before.

Something doesn’t feel right, he’s never been like this and it worries me that this is the calm before the storm kind of situation. He’s too calm.

My brain is finally slowing down from writing and getting this all out of my head so while I have some peace, I think I’m going to get some sleep. Speaking of which, months ago I awoke from a very vivid dream involving him with another woman, his mother was in my nightmare also supporting him and it felt as though she was behind the demise of our relationship in my dream. It was so real I woke up crying so hard I could hardly breathe.

Now my reality that I am living is that nightmare I had..

I’ve always had a sixth sense or premonitions when it comes to bad things happening. I pick up on others energy or changes in a persons voice or actions and mannerisms when it isn’t something good… I ignored the ones I’ve had the past sixth months…

All because I trusted he loved me as deeply as I love him. I believed he would always love me. I believed he would love himself, his children and our family so much we would withstand anything and come out on top stronger and better than ever.

I was so wrong and now I am paying the price mentally, emotionally and physically.

It’s truly awful knowing essentially he planned this. He wasn’t man enough to be honest, to put in his all. He pushed me to the point I had no choice but to end the relationship due to his lack of actions and his down right being cruel to me. I can only pray he feels the guilt one day to the extreme I am feeling. And the heartache and heartbreak I am and have been feeling for months.

As much as I want to wish him the best I’ve realized today I am still far to angry for his selfishness and what it has done to us. Most of all what this has caused for our children. It absolutely devastates me.

God Speed I heal…

Prayers accepted.

 

 

 

 

The Protector And Advocate…

So how am I supposed to support my son when I know the negativity he will be around with his father and his fathers side of the family. Within the first two minutes of my ex picking up our son today, our son was faced with immediate negativity. Our son was packing his backpack to take some toys with to his fathers house. He  wanted to put  a balloon that we got yesterday at the old car show into his backpack when instantly his father said, “You’ll never fit that in there.” I instantly said, “Yes, he will.” Guess what? Our son fit it in there. What the ex doesn’t understand is how his negativity wears off onto the children. My ex doesn’t see this to be a problem so he won’t change it.

Our thirteen year old lives with my ex due to his anxiety which is caused by being a child of an alcoholic. He has to always be around his dad and know his every move or he freaks out.  His father thinks it’s because he’s such a great father and our son is just really in love with him.  I’ve already noticed so many times how it has effected him. Like the times our son searched through his fathers things to find cocaine because he knew he was doing it. He always found it. The first thing out of his mouth is always no, you can’t do that, that’s impossible. Never anything positive and I think it’s really important to watch this type of behavior around children. They are sponges, they will start acting out these negative behaviors, they already do. I guess with children I feel they can be helped. Adults are already so damaged and weak they would continue to live this way rather than putting in the work to change and become healthy, to deal with the excruciating pain they have stuffed down deep inside. Children still have a chance to understand and work through the issues.

You’re probably wondering why I allow my son to live with his father. My son is thirteen, he doesn’t want to change school districts and leave all of his friends. I wouldn’t want to either it makes for an extremely tough transition meeting completely new friends at this age. Another issue is that my son needs therapy to understand what is happening by being a child of an alcoholic, he needs help understanding that the anxiety will lessen if he is no longer in such a chaotic environment.

He needs to know that there are many different things making him feel the way that he does. His father has deep rooted issues and his way is not healthy and it does affect the children. This is why I am making sure I don’t back down to making sure my boys are taken care of in the healthiest way possible. I was terrified during our divorce and after due to the intimidation my ex and his mother put me through. Not this time.

Rough Moments..

Notice how I didn’t say, “rough days?” That is because I realize how we need to feel these moments whether it is a moment of joy, happiness, sadness,despair or accomplishment. We need to acknowledge these moments yet not let anyone of them control our entire day. Earlier I went way to far into my sadness, to the point of forgetting the reality of the reason for the break up. With it raining all day long I could have easily slipped into a full  day filled with tears falling as quickly as the rain fell from the sky .

I didn’t though.

I instantly dove into reading and researching Co-dependency and Narcissistic relationships. I quickly was able to relate and remind myself why I am on this journey. I also was able to see how to heal from Co-dependency and become healthy. How not to pass this onto my children. Because I can tell you this is not what I would ever want for my children to have to figure out in their adult years. Thank goodness there are only literally a couple things I have said or done that would plant the seed into my children. Which I am fully aware of now and I will make sure I do not say or do certain things to them. The blessing is that somewhere deep inside, I have known how not to treat my children, by how I grew up. It was the subtle things I didn’t realize until now.  I still carry deeply embedded issues within me and those are the things I am changing and working on.

I had posted earlier on how I spent so much time figuring out my ex husband that I never took the time and energy to dig into myself and my childhood. Every Co-dependent wants to “fix” everyone else and so easily can see everyone else’s problems yet it is literally impossible to take care of yourself when you’ve put so much energy into everyone else’s  happiness. I am very happy to say I have no interest in wanting another relationship for quite some time because it’s going to take some time to make sure I’m taking care of myself. Repairing the damage done by the adults in my childhood.

Fuck that pisses me off!

To see right now how God damn damaging they were to me.

I was an innocent child.

It pisses me off to realize this now, when I have three children I have brought into this world, prior to realizing all of this. My biggest fear is their fathers impact on them. Especially since Narcissistic people will never change. Never ever will they change, and do not forget that. How can they change what they never see?  The damage done to children by parents is unbelievable. And it’s heart wrenching to know it’s passed down usually generation after generation. Co-dependent people have a chance at least in my opinion.  Narcissistic people don’t stand a chance in changing.

So make sure you really evaluate how your parents or caregivers raised you. How they talked to you and treated you. If you had an alcoholic or any trauma in the family during your beginning years make sure before you get into a relationship that you are aware of behaviors you are carrying before having children if possible. You won’t fuck them up and you’ll be such a better parent! Not to mention having a wonderful relationship and a healthy spouse/partner!

I seriously think this is a root cause of what is happening in our world. The amount of hatred, disrespect, selfishness and increase in divorce and a decrease in healthy committed relationships. The list could go on forever of negatives. How’s that for irony? It’s like a trickle down effect that just keeps getting worse. I bet there is an overabundance of Narcissistic personalities walking among each of us in this world.

Think about it…

How are all these crimes like killings, bullying, shootings, robberies, rapes, kidnappings increasing at alarming rates? A coincidence in negative behavior and Narcissistic personalities, I don’t think so.  I had originally believed that is was due to parents not teaching their children respect, honesty, loyalty or appreciation. Now I’m not so sure if these are the only causes.

I would  bet that behind every person committing these crimes, there is a 99.9% chance,  of the person being a Narcissist with secondary or multiple disorders and/or addictions.

Mental health needs far more attention than this world is even considering.

I am terrified for my children, due to the fact that their father, has with out a doubt passed on some severe traits. Hopefully  my awareness, along with their own wisdom, they will not inherit these behaviors. I have one child who I know with out a doubt is going to struggle as he is the child of an alcoholic and now I see the other behaviors/addictions he is subjected to by his father. I’ve seen with my own two eyes the lack of showing love to his boys verbally, I’ve witnessed the constant negativity that is projected onto the children by him and I would always come in to “save the day” with positivity and pointing out how my one son is always so negative. The first words out of his mouth to anything is negative and I remind him of this because it’s worrisome to see this behavior. I could feel it just by being around the two of them for an extended period of time. To the point I would have to leave as it drained me mentally and physically.

Yet I was always made the fool for pointing out these things…

I know that I stand a chance in supporting my children by offering what I have learned and by continuing to educate myself so I respond in a healthy manor to these situations with them.

The best I can do is show them through my actions and give them some “food for thought” in hopes that they are open to learning about the Co-dependent vs. Narcissistic relationships.

Their future depends on it along with their children’s futures…

Best saying I’ve learned yet,

“When you point a finger at someone, remember there are three pointing back at you.”

Start with yourself always. It took me far to long to understand why my life has always been such a struggle. When all I’ve ever wanted was a happy life, a happy and  healthy family and a happy home. What I have always wanted most, was always sabotaged, and now I understand why.

The journey continues…

 

Beginning My Best Journey Yet…

A lot has happened over the course of the past few years, more downs than ups, yet what a ride it has been! You wonder why this happened or that has happened time and time again. Then you take a deep dark look at yourself.

I’ve learned my alcoholic step-father did leave a very heavy and large imprint on my life. I carried the toxic chaos with me through out my entire life. I unwillingly and naively allowed it to follow me through my life and sabotage every relationship I held so dear. Knowing what I know now, every relationship, was doomed from the beginning. It wasn’t until, of the most meaningful relationship I’ve had with a man, who I love dearly and deeply came to an end. A very long, drawn out and difficult end. It wasn’t until looking inward and trying to figure out  why this relationship would not work out, no matter how incredibly hard I tried, it failed. It started with me, as most of us initially do, I was looking at him and what was wrong with him. I found out. He is a narcissist. He is an alcoholic. He is a sex addict. And more than likely has undiagnosed Autism.  He also agrees.

Then I looked at myself and thought, “How in the hell did I choose a man like this?”

This is where the table turns..

I was so secretly and unknowingly broken inside that even I didn’t even realize the toxic men I was attracted to were because of living in toxicity for all of my childhood years. It’s what I knew. It’s what was “comfortable” because it was familiar. Anyone else would have been “boring” uneventful and I surly would have pushed them away.

I always thought I put the past behind me. I always felt I was going to have everything I didn’t as a child. I would not live that way in my adult years. I would be happy. My children would be happy. I would have the best relationship and family ever. Boy was I wrong. I repeated exactly what I didn’t want.

Until now.

I understand now I can’t help or fix my ex. I also know he loves me and he tried with all his might and within his capabilities to show me. I wish I could take all his pain away and start fresh with the understandings I’ve found within myself. I know this is not possible. He would have to take a personal inventory journey of his own. From what he has told me, he doesn’t have the strength to do this. I give him credit for knowing his limitations. I always have seen more in him than he has seen in himself. I know I will go the rest of my life having the gratitude of knowing him and experiencing all that I have with him.

If it weren’t for meeting him and going through all of this together. I may never have found myself where I am today. For that I say, “Thank you.”

But I’m not letting him off the hook that easily.. 

I think if the relationship truly meant that much to him he would have decided to put in the required work and make the changes for himself, for his children and for our relationship. 

Instead he’s choosing the easy way out and that is by his own choice. 

I’m not going to lie. I wish he could see what I see, I wish he had the strength to pull himself out of his own misery. But I could be completely wrong maybe he enjoys it?  Maybe those deep, seemingly meaningful conversations we did have once upon a time, where all lies? I don’t know..

I do know that if you can acknowledge what you were doing wrong you have the ability to change. It’s a matter of choice..

He made his choice in not considering his children or myself. Only his selfish needs and wants.

I am a caregiver by nature. I want the best for those I love. I don’t intentionally hurt those I love. If I hurt them I try to resolve it and not make the same mistakes. So I don’t understand how it’s humanly possible for others to knowingly continue to hurt those they claim to love.

So my thank you is also a big fuck you!

I’ve learned to focus on love for myself now. I always want what is best for my children. And I will always want what is best for my ex even if he doesn’t care.

I have evaluated the roles my step-father, my step-mother, my own mother and father and their parents have played in my life. I’ve also evaluated my own choices. I now know, the choices I will make from here on out will not include the influences the above people have made in my life. I will make positive choices. I will make choices that reflect what it is I truly want in this life. I choose to leave the toxicity behind. And I pray my new found knowledge is in time for my children to make healthy choices that are for their best success.

I always told myself I wanted to be the one to “break the cycle” and look at me, here I am, breaking the cycle!

A young, innocent child is so absorbing in those youngest years. It is our responsibility as adults to protect our children. Which means we need to take accountability for our mistakes and learn to lead by being a positive role model. Not unload our baggage onto our children. It’s far to heavy for them. Christ, even we as adults barely can carry our own baggage..

This is why I am choosing to remain focused on leading a healthy, nontoxic life so my children can hopefully bypass the challenges and the hardships I have endured. I hope to be an inspiration to others, men and women, suffering in our own demise. It is something so moving to see things with new vision. I’m content. I feel at peace. I still am sad about my ex and I not staying together, goodness, all of this hard work and you would “think” we would be on the homestretch now! lol! I know we deeply love each other. Yet, love alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. A lot of very hard work, understanding, compromise, respect, trust, honesty and self reflection is needed by both partners. Willingly, by both partners, not by force.

I truly believe that if more people looked at their situations, if individually they did the  best they can to improve the relationship by improving themselves, more relationships would survive and co-parenting would go much smoother. Ultimately making everyone involved a lot happier!

If you take anything away from my article please take this…

If you know everything about your partner that is flawed to contribute to the relationship stressors..

Now ask yourself, “How did I choose this type of partner?”

I also suggest reading up on Narcissistic/Co-Dependent relationships. You also may have to factor in other issues. (learning disabilities, Autism Spectrum Disorder, Sensory)

It all comes down to how we choose to COPE with childhood trauma. There is a long list of addictions that stem from how we chose to COPE.

Look deep within your own past and find your answers. And know that somewhere along the way, you have made an impression on your partner. Breathe, accept what is and move forward putting the hard lessons to good use, you’ve put a lot of years into getting here!

I hope others are able to work as a team, save marriages, for some it’s refraining from marriage if these things are present in your dating history. Realize what you bring to the table. Then do the work necessary to be the best version of yourself that you can be!

To my ex,

I thank you so much for coming into my life, for giving me beautiful children, sharing those amazing times we did have together! Thank you for giving me all that you were capable of giving. I hope one day you can see what I see and genuinely be happy, you deserve to be happy! Thank you for, unknowingly, being the man I needed in my life to see what I see now. I love you and I Thank you.

(And… when you’re being difficult and cruel, I’ll still forgive you, as you haven’t seen the full journey yet and I understand this.)

For everyone reading this,

Choose HEALTY decisions when coping… Your life depends on it.

 

 

 

Violence is just one part of childhood trauma. So why are we focusing so much on childhood violence?

I couldn’t agree more with this articles findings. I see things in my adult life that stem from these things in my childhood. Finally realizing this at the age of 42. I’ve found this out by researching what I am finding in my own children due to a situation that I feel effects my children. In the process I found how impactful my childhood has been in my adult years. Very good article.

ACEs Too High

Awhack Whac-A-Mole players (photo by Laura)

Many people and organizations focus on preventing violence with the belief that if our society can stop violence against children, then most childhood trauma will be eradicated.

However, research that has emerged over the last 20 years clearly shows that focusing primarily on violence prevention – physical and sexual abuse, in particular – doesn’t eliminate the trauma that children experience, and won’t even prevent further violence.

“Although violence can beget violence, it’s hardly the only cause of violence,” says Dr. Vincent Felitti, co-principal investigator of the CDC-Kaiser Permanente Adverse Childhood Experiences Study (ACE Study), groundbreaking epidemiological research that showed a direct link between 10 types of childhood trauma and the adult onset of chronic disease, mental illness, violence and being a victim of violence, among many other consequences.

“Basically there’s lots of other ways,” he says. “Humiliating people. Isolating people. Verbally provoking them…

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Autism And Kindergarten…

My son is five years old and technically should be starting kindergarten this coming fall. My son also happens to have an Autism diagnosis along with developmental delays and sensory processing disorder. We have been doing as much therapy as we can possibly fit into our lives and it is making a world of a difference yet socially we aren’t where I had hoped to be at the start of kindergarten. My son meets every Monday, well now every other Monday for a social skills group to help him understand common social cues and social situations with peers his age. Most people who look at my son or see him briefly wouldn’t think he struggles in this area  yet he does and severely.

As his mother my desire for him to be mainstreamed in school is a goal and an option I want him to have. I feel by him being around neurotypical children he will learn so much. I also know he will struggle emotionally and that is what I am trying to limit or to protect him from as best as I possibly can. It’s been a real struggle for me in deciding which school he is going to attend, trying to get all the paperwork in to get our IEP set in place and continuing his therapy at St. David’s.

Today when we were waiting for our therapist my son was playing on a mat with cars. He said. “I want to be red! ” And I said, ” Ok! I’ll be…” and just then another boy, whom he’s familiar with and has worked with, came up and grabbed the red car and joined us. Now that instantly made my son shut down, bow his head and become extremely sad and disengaged. He looked up at me and softly said, “I wanted red.” then bowed his head back down in disappointment again.

You see my son does not comprehend these situations like most. It has taken over a year of therapy for him to be able to voice his wants and needs. This comes natural for most. Not my son, he has worked tremendously hard to get where he is at right now. He no longer shuts down completely, I can get him to reengage within minutes verses shutting down completely and not returning to what it was that upset or hurt him. We have made amazing progress yet we still have a ways to go. And looking at the long term I have decided it is in his best interest given his needs of improving his social skills, having to complete a full and functional IEP and having an upcoming move, that it is in the best interest of my son to wait until next fall, when he is six years old to start kindergarten.

This is where his father and grandmother come in. They do not understand my sons diagnosis, they have not been active in his therapy or active in his care. They do not feel Autism is “as big of a deal” as “I am making it.” In their words.

His Grandmother said this to me, “Autism isn’t standing in your way. He will be in school next September. He is not limited with his issues.”

Really?

I’m not sure what planet she’s on?! 

I’d say my son is limited by his condition and that is the reason I have done so much to educate myself and the reason I’ve tried my hardest to inform and educate anyone who has interaction with my son. My son has worked unbelievably hard to get where he is right now and it is  down right an insult to his hard work and my continued hard work and support for him.

And they wonder why I’m making the decisions for my son..

Now you add in the fact we will now have another year under our belt of social skills therapy, we will have enough time to secure a proper IEP in place along with permanently living in the school district and not having to move after he’s already started kindergarten. I’d say that is a very thought out plan. And a plan that is solely based on the best interest of my son and his needs.

Yet, they will never see that…

,

 

Ex Mother In-Law…

So my ex-husband text me asking to take our son, who is five and autistic, on vacation four hours away for a week. Now most people would be just fine with this. I am not. I am not for the wellbeing and for the best interest of my son. My son has therapy the day they wanted to leave with him and he also has therapy the following day. Now I explained to my ex the reasons I do not feel it is safe for my son, and yes I use “my” because since the day he was born I do 200% of his care, to be away for that amount of time.

My ex has never had my son overnight without me in his entire life. When my ex has had him for longer than three hours something is always an issue and my son tells me when he gets home. He has a brother who has major behavior issues and when he acts up it effects my youngest. My youngest complained that Dad didn’t stop the older son and it hurt his feeling and it made him scared when they were yelling. I have seen first hand and my older child was always told if he wanted us over he needed to stop the behavior or we would leave. Sometimes his behavior changed for the better and we stayed, other times it became worse and we would leave. Now mind you during all of the confrontations my ex wouldn’t say a word and if he did it would be him swearing and yelling at our older son.

I have been to the cabin they use up north and I have been there to first hand witness how grandma allows the children to drink alcohol as does my ex. These kids are all underage. Now this year my step son is the only one of the kid of age to drink. Previous years I have seen my volatile ex brother in law drinking and freaking out at any given moment. I have seen my ex drinking with the kids. He acts like he is one of their friends and he is back in high school.

I’ve witnessed constantly how drinking delays dinner and usually it’s burnt or over done due to lack of judgement by either my ex or his brother because they are intoxicated. I’ve witnessed my niece who has more issues than a treatment center start some sort of drama that grandma jumps in to save the day or enable.

I actually left for a day with my son because it was all so overwhelming to be around them and the tension was causing my son so much stress we had to get out and do something away from all of them.

I realized after reading this I had not finished writing! ugh, that tells you exactly where my mind has been lately!

So I declined to have my son go with his father and his grandmother up north because I don’t feel it’s in the best interest for my son nor is it in the best interest of his safety. His father didn’t put up much of an argument yet his grandmother felt the need to ask me through Facebook messenger. She felt the need to tell me how I need to think of them and their wants. Not once mentioning Keagan’s needs or best interest. I decided it was best to not entertain her and I have not been responding to her messages bullying me. I don’t think she will ever understand and I absolutely am not the one to be able to have her understand. There is far to much hatred from her to me. She would never fully listen or understand.

My son has a medical diagnosis of Autism. She refuses to believe he is not what some would consider “normal” when really what is the idea of normal anyhow? The problem is she refuses to believe he needs the added help and therapy. She chooses to make this about me and that  I’m going “overboard” with his treatment and care. Her idea is, “He’s going to school in the fall.” so he’s just fine. She has no idea what it takes and has taken to get him to school. In that I mean the struggles I have faced and continue to face. Do I mainstream my son? Will he do alright? Will the kids break him and discourage his amazing desire to achieve and be the brightest light in the room? He gets so upset when he doesn’t understand social situations and this hurts him. He retreats. He doesn’t understand. Mom and his therapists are the ones to teach him coping skills, to give him the love I need to as a mother.

It’s not just as simple as signing him up for kindergarten for he or I.  Especially when his father is threatening to stop paying for where we live, knowing I can’t afford it, which is also very scary. I have less than a month to figure out school. I have to consider therapy, IEP meetings, transportation, care before and after school. I have to find a new place for us to start making memories, a new place that is scary for not just myself but for my son. Change isn’t a strong area for him as he is greatly attached to people, places and items. All of these things that neither his father or grandmother even consider. They have not been a part of his care at all. They hardly see him and they have so much hatred towards me. All I am concerned for is my sons continued therapy and his wellbeing. I’ve also learned to focus on my health and my happiness. No longer letting those who aren’t involved try to harden me.

It would be nice if people in this situation would truly put my son’s best interest, happiness and wellbeing first. Because that is truly the only thing that matters…My son.

 

Thoughts, Time And Realizations..

I wake up each day feeling like this nightmare isn’t true. As my eyes slowly open and my mind ever so instantaneously relives the previous day and I realize  that, it in fact wasn’t a nightmare, it really is my life.

Any thought of what was and what is lost brings an instant lump in my throat and the tears well up until they no longer can be held back. I let the tears flow as somehow I hope it will bring peace in time. The weight on my chest feels as though I’m carrying around an elephant most times. I understand now how it got to this point, the point of spending almost twenty-two years with a man, married, divorced and raised four boys together. It’s gone. He is gone. No communication, unless it is an occasional text by him, requesting to pick our five year old up for literally a few hours. It’s as though I never even existed. No closure, no final discussion on the end of an extremely massive part of my life.I am learning we don’t always get the closure we had hoped for. It just ends. Yet the heartache, the loss and the pain continue.

I took my son to get a haircut yesterday and while waiting for him a gentleman started talking with me then suddenly asked if I was married. “No, divorced”  I replied. To his “delight” he replied, “So am I!” He said, “You seem nice, do you mind if I give you my number?  I took his number out of pure politeness when honestly, I can’t even right now. I feel like the biggest mess emotionally I can’t even think of considering dating yet. I also know that unless I am 200% attracted to someone I may as not even waste their time or mine, this I know. I honestly think it’s going to be quite along time before I process all I have been through. Maybe, just maybe, once the lump in my throat and the tears that well up subside, maybe then I’ll even be able to consider dating.

Until then, I am focusing on my son and his needs. I am writing to slowly work though my feelings and the excruciating pain I feel right now. I will continue to find my way through the murky unknown territory until one day I am at peace.

I wrote the above paragraphs earlier this morning and as the day progressed so did the weight of the pain, isolation and feelings of abandonment set in deeper. I literally had such an awful childhood of never feeling like I belonged anywhere. Not at either of my divorced parents houses. I never fit in with their new wife/husband and their new children.

As an adult what was my family slowly disappeared and everyone went their own ways. The day my mother died was by far the worst day ever. I lost her whole side of the family which was quite a large family. They just stopped communicating and getting together after she died. My fathers side of my family was actually pretty small. Yet even that side vanished over time. A few years ago  my father and I had a falling out which he decided to not talk to me for over a year. I was so heartbroken by his stubbornness that our relationship was lost. My own father.

We recently tried to have a relationship again and almost instantly he felt the need to tell me what to do as a 42 year old grown woman. He didn’t agree with something I posted on my social media site and he posted in my comments, “Get that shit off of there!” Really? Since  when does his difference of opinion mean I need to “obey” him otherwise I  suffer the consequences of his shitty behavior? I am sorry but I will not allow being treated that way even if it is by my own father.

I’ve learned from one of my sisters from my fathers second marriage, that he was always like this with them, never with me. So I never had seen this side of my father in my younger years. So honestly it was quite shocking as an adult to have him treat me this way. So pretty much every male in my life has treated me awfully. And as I go through my adult years and voicing my feelings instead of stuffing them to please the other person, I am literally losing everyone in my life. If I have ever felt alone, now is the time I feel completely alone. Abandoned is how I feel and it’s devastating at this age. I never have had any really close friends growing up, always people I know and talk with occasionally, yet not a close network of friends especially close friends who I still hang out with. If it wasn’t for social media I probably wouldn’t talk to anyone. That’s sad.

I feel like I’ve lost everyone who ever mattered and I also am realizing everyone I am losing has been so extremely toxic to me yet that is all I have known. All of my life people have been toxic and that was starting with my own family. So it’s not wonder the thing I’ve wanted most is a husband who would love and support me, respect me and never leave. I wanted to raise a family that enjoyed being a family, yet ours is just as dysfunctional as they come. I’ve lost twenty-two years of trying to build our family to have it instantly vanish to nothing. No more holidays, no more family getting together, no more birthday parties, no more family vacations.. Maybe it was the idea

No wonder I am so lost right now…

No wonder my heart hurts so incredibly bad..

At forty-two years old, how do you start completely over? With nothing? Literally nothing.

I realize I’ve made poor choices and it took me far to long to realize their impact. I know moving forward what I will not accept in a relationship yet it’s so gut wrenching to know that I just lost twenty-two years. It takes time to build a solid relationship and I have lost so much time. That is the scary truth.

Everything has been going considerably smoothly until yesterday. My ex asked if he could take our son up north, for what I am assuming is a week, as that is what we have done in years past. I have been alright with him picking our son up, taking him swimming for three hours at his mothers home, then driving him back home a few times in the past two months. I have been alright with this because I know he is not drinking. He can’t drink and drive his truck because he recently just got the Alco sensor put back in his truck for the next three years. Which means he can not have any alcohol to start his vehicle. But guess what? He’s going to put the Alco sensor in his Jeep one he gets the whiskey plates of the cars that are in his name, which is all of our cars. That way the state thinks his primary vehicle has it in it and he can have a few and drive his suburban. Beat the system once again. I am absolutely shocked how he always flies right through the system with all  of these violations. He’s a charmer and looks so clean cut and together along with his mommas money he’s yet to actually pay a consequence worthy. He still feels the state is in the wrong and he never should have gotten the B Card the state issued him. In our state, a B Card means no alcohol, ever for the rest of your life. Not even communion. Nada. Zilch.

It’s damn fitting and deserving if you ask me. It just needs to be enforced and not let go every time for whatever reason. Money, pretty sure that’s what does it for him.

Anyhow…

My ex has been paying for our townhome for the past three years along with “my truck” that is titled and loaned in his name. Which he bought for me after the miscarriage. He had me give my paid off truck to his friend. He also has been paying our cable and internet  so my son can watch all of his shows.

I did have a career of thirteen years that I lost due to a major car accident on the way to our divorce hearing. Yup, you read that correct! I am lucky to be here today according to the paramedics that day. Two years after I had to have a four level cervical fusion in my neck and five years later I wore out the lower part of my fusion just by living and moving. I live in constant pain since that moment I was in the accident. I need more surgery yet it will only wear out in a short amount of time and completely restrict my movement which is already compromised. For all of you wondering why I’m not able to afford all of the above. I am guessing I will  be on disability sooner than one would prefer. Yet I have been so consumed with my son and his treatment I have not taken the time to deal with my medical issues to the extent I need to. I do get steroid injections that when they work, or I’m given the correct procedure, it gives some relief and keeps me out of the ER with pain.

Now I do use the internet I will say that. But after we broke it off he said he will continue to pay the rent “for awhile” now that I am forever grateful for. What I am not appreciative of is his using it as a form of control. Because I am not comfortable with our son suddenly spending the night with him, for days away and hours away he sent this message to me yesterday.

“If I am going to continue to pay for you to live, rent, truck and cable. I will see my son.”

Now I told him my concerns for our son. First, he hasn’t had him overnight at all. Second, our son has not been away from me even overnight except one time when we took a vacation and when he was much younger and long before learning of his having Autism. Third, my ex and his family have not been a part of my sons therapy and care at all, not one bit.

They don’t understand how he works, what triggers he has, how to help him or support him. He is so attached to me he would have a very difficult time being away from me for that long. Especially in an environment such as this. I feel this is an extreme stressor for my son and I won’t allow it. I also know that they all drink heavily when on any vacation. The last time I was up there it was a disaster and Keagan and I couldn’t wait to get back home and away from their chaos. I do not trust my ex to take care of our son plain and simple. The way he acts, how he picks at me or the kids for his own sick entertainment,  what he allows, how he talks are always so inappropriate when he is drinking, no child should be around that behavior. The cousins along with my step son and son, who are all under 21 years old, were allowed by my ex and his mother, their grandmother, to drink. I couldn’t believe my fucking eyes. This family is so delusional and if I say or do anything against what they feel I am being a bitch, I’m to emotional, I think to much. Bullshit. I am a responsible parent who wants better for my children and I’m fighting a battle I could never win with them as there are far more of them who are sick and only me.

I told my ex I will gladly set up an appointment with a mediator and he said,

“I’m not going to a mediator there is no need, you should work with me. You think I like paying $2000.00 a month? He should be able to have fun and enjoy his family! Ask him I bet he would want to go!”

I am sorry, I am not asking my five year old if he wants to go, of course it sounds fun, yet he has no idea what it entails on his well being and safety. Here again is where I feel like I am dealing with a two year old when talking to my ex. I am a parent and first and foremost it is my job to protect my children. I have a thirteen year old son who is so incredibly messed up and anxiety ridden due to his fathers drinking and his father boasts at how much this boy loves and adores him, how he is connected to his hip at all time. Just sickening. Our son feels the need to take care of his father. Check out children of alcoholics, you’ll see it’s not love, it’s a very unhealthy relationship. Yet you can’t tell him that because in his eyes and his mothers eyes, he is a perfect Daddy.

I don’t think that a person who you just spent twenty-two years with and raised four children with really cared about you, or the children for that matter, would purposefully cause immediate fear and stress of just stopping paying without no notice. What human would intentionally cause this to people who he supposedly loved? It’s so hard to wrap my head around. Probably because I am not that type of person.

Even with all of the awful things he and his mother have said and done towards me, for him at least, I find sadness for him. I’ve known the man for twenty-two years, I know with out a doubt he’s hurt. Yet for him the only way to deal with feelings is by stuffing them so deep, as though they never happened and drink to numb himself. I bet over half his life he can’t even remember details about because he was so intoxicated for so many things.

Today social media reminded me it was four years ago I went in alone for my ultrasound to hear the baby’s heartbeat. It wasn’t there…

While my sons therapist was here tonight I was able to leave for two hours which is nice to have respite care for myself  twice a week. I went to caribou coffee then I went tanning. When I came out I sat in the parking lot for a little bit and I realized it’s slowly sinking in.

How horrific he and his mother treated me when we found out I was pregnant and telling me at thirty-eight years old to have an abortion. Not being supportive while I grieved the loss of my child and just acting as though not saying anything to me for awhile would make it all go away. I remembered when our son, who is five years old now, was born he had to stay in the hospital for nine days and I stayed every day and night with him. One night the guest room had been booked so I didn’t have a place to stay that night, I had told my ex about this and because I didn’t have a car there I needed him to come and get me. At this point it was actually time for me to get away from the hospital for a little bit as it was wearing on me. Well I called him and guess what? He was so drunk watching hockey with a longtime friend over he couldn’t come and get me.

Really?

I remember sitting in the tiny pharmacy awaiting my pain medications, feeling so uncomfortable, sore, mentally exhausted by the emotional rollercoaster  of my newborn baby struggling the first week of his life, him not gaining weight fast enough, my missing my other children and wanting to go home so badly at that moment. I cried so hard because when I called him I could hear it in his voice how drunk he was.. Thank goodness after telling the nurses in the NICU what I was dealing with they made sure I got a room. How thoughtless, rude and selfish of him to treat me that way literally days after having his child and being the one who was dealing with everything in the hospital, he left me to do it alone. Jerk.

As angry as I get and as hurt as I am I always hoped he would want us more and he would do “so well” for short spans and I would be so happy and then it would start over again. Just an awful cycle. I wish he was strong enough, willing enough and had the desire to have our relationship and our family. I always believed in him. I always had hope for him. I always supported him when he was depressed by his actions.

It never was enough..