Q&A Part two

I was on the way to my divorce hearing in 2006 when I was hit. I was traveling less than  1mph due to traffic when I was rear ended by a large SUV at 65 mph. I happened to look in my rear view mirror seconds before impact only having enough time to turn the wheel enough to the right which pushed my truck six car lengths ahead of the cars in front of me. Paramedics told me they expected a DOA. Before this point I had been given opiates very short term once for wisdom teeth removal in high school. I just recall them making me really sick at that time.

I can’t recall how soon after the accident I was prescribed opiates for the pain, though I do know I was put through physical therapy that I felt was making it worse and I literally had to refuse physical therapy due to the excess pain it caused. Come to find out later on that C3,C4,C5 and C6 discs were completely torn all the way around. My neurosurgeon was hesitant on doing the surgery due to being “so young” though once it was clear I couldn’t  function we decided it was my only option. He said after he completed my surgery that my neck was way worse than anything they had seen on X-ray or MRI and fully understood my pain. He is an amazing neurosurgeon and he was surprised once he got in side my neck. I had repeatedly expressed this pin point pain numerous time with numerous doctors in the two years before my surgery. As well as being tested for fibromyalgia ten years ago because my body just didn’t feel right though then they tested for inflammation and I tested negative so that was dismissed. I am again revisiting this as a possible explanation to the problems I am currently having that are debilitating. Only problem is no one still after 15mos of being off the opiates, seems to know what’s causing it, as I have had to approach doctors with possibilities. Yet with this “false opiate war” no one will even address or look at possible diagnosis with the constant pain that isn’t from my fusion. The past year I’ve found being diagnosed as a chronic pain patient there is a disaster occurring in our medical system. Doctors hands are tied, pharmacy’s unable/refuse to fill prescriptions (others not myself) and insurance companies refusing to pay for pain medications or limited amounts. It’s a disaster.

The reason I chose to quit was I felt the pain clinic kept increasing due to pain I expressed, yet it wasn’t the pain from the lower level of my fusion I complained most about, it was repeatedly my telling them all my joints and muscles hurt and I felt run over by a mac truck. The night of my last dosage increase I was terrified at the thought of, “What if I don’t wake up?” and my son finds me unresponsive? He has autism and it is just he and I who live together. I began researching because I just had a feeling no one would know what dose would be too much. I learned exactly on my own that this new all over pain was due to opiate tolerance. I had been previously expressing my wanting to know what my actual pain was and trying out the patient cannabis program offered through my pain clinic at the time. To do this you had to be off opiates and on suboxone then you could pursue the medical cannabis program. I was set up of what the pain clinic called an “induction” and everything I had read I should have been tapered from my opiates which wasn’t an option through the pain clinic. I did find somewhere that the FDA guidelines stated, “suboxone cannot be used for detox.” by pain clinics. Which explained the induction. The induction consisted of me taking my last nights opiates, not taking any after, going into the clinic to be monitored by a nurse as they administered suboxone to a level to keep withdrawals at bay, then slowly taper from the suboxone over months. Now, I did my research on suboxone and methadone and let me tell you this.. If you are on suboxone more than 14days you will withdraw and guess what there isn’t anything for suboxone or methadone withdrawals. Nope, I wasn’t trading one for the other! I immediately started on tapering I believe it was down 5mg the first week, then the plan was to go down another 5mg the week. I called my pain clinic and said I wasn’t doing the induction and to refill my opiates as I already started an opiate taper. The next day I went to get my opiate refill and I was also given two boxes of suboxone. The prescription read: 16mg/day. Ummm…how would they know what my dosage was before the induction? So I left will everything. On day eight of my 5mg taper I literally felt I was dying a severely slow death. I had ordered CBD oil and on July 13, 2017 I took my second dose of opiates at 1pm. At 1:30pm the CBD oil came in the mail. So I took that. 7pm I would have taken my last opiate dose of the evening..though I really didn’t feel I needed it, so I didn’t take it. 10pm I still didn’t feel I needed to take them though I knew all to well the wrath that would soon follow with withdrawals imminent by all research I had done in YouTube videos and Support groups on Facebook. I started feeling rough the next morning so my son and I headed to the local hospital’s ER and I wanted to know what I should do. (My son 6yrs old photographed this unknowingly to me until later) It took about an hour of talking to ER doctors, nurses and staff to get them to understand I have fired my pain clinic as they have their hands tied with pain clinic patients due to patients contract I presume. Once I was given a room and the doctor came in and I laid out all the opiates and the two boxes of suboxone and said, “I know withdrawals are only going to get worse what should I do?” He literally said, I don’t know enough about suboxone so all I can do is tell you to take an opiate for relief.” I told him you couldn’t pay me enough to touch another opiate as in my mind I felt these were the reason I was feeling like death. By the end of our conversations I asked, “If I come back in and I am visibly in severe withdrawals can you treat the withdrawal symptoms?” He said, “yes.” I decided at that point I at least had an option. Though realistically I have no one who could keep my son for weeks if I ended up inpatient so I hit the internet and I used loperamide for stomach/bowel/digestive issues, got some marijuana off the street, drank lots of tea, a million epsom salt baths. The anxiety from getting off opiates can only be explained as anxiety on steroids. It literally is triggered by anything, it hits you fast and furious, is it horrendous. At this point the aching and muscle pain, twitching, spasming, anxiety and insomnia was unbearable and I called my primary doctor and said I need something for these issues and I was given a few different non opioid medications. My previous (general anxiety) 0.5mg xanax (used very rarely prior refills longer than 3months in between) was increased to 1.0mg. And 4mg Tizanidine for muscles twitches/spasms and 50mg of Hydroxyzine (similar to over the counter benedryl) were added to help calms these symptoms. I think the marijuana helped second most to the higher xanax dose!

Now mind you, before I did all of this, I called two treatment facilities requesting a detox from opiates. I was turned away from both because I said I was dependent and I wouldn’t need long term treatment given I have a very strong mental health therapist and a strong support system. They wouldn’t accept me because I wouldn’t say I was an addict, I wasn’t and am not and addict. My body was dependent on this man made chemical. Insurance only covers addiction. Such an absolutely broken system of care!

I could go on and on…

I didn’t finish this earlier due to the fact I received confirmation this past Thursday, that at the age of 44 yrs, I have to have all my teeth extracted and get cheap state insurance covered dentures. I felt the periodontal disease move through my lower and upper jaw during the first 6 months off the opiates, right at the time my hair started to fall out and after month out appointments, while trying to figure out all of the other issues I have going on…this is the topper. Like really?? How can one person physically, mentally, emotionally, financially get through this? One day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time. Would I use opiates again? The amount of excruciating pain I have been in 24/7, two days a month, I would absolutely use an opiate. Long term, no. Just long enough get a break from the pain, so I can mentally fight this determination to find the root cause of the issues I am currently having. Once we knew more, then take the opiate bandaid off and treat the actual problems. I would have never disposed of my opiate medications if I would have known things were going to unfold the way they have with pain treatment now. And I sure as hell won’t buy any off the street, which pain patients are resorting to, which again is another story altogether. As well as myself being spiritual and not political one bit prior to this experience..my faith in God is so much stronger by only ways one would understand by experience during extreme times of duress and pain. I still don’t take a political side anyway, I just know this false “opiate war” is due to politics, corruption and money on a much larger scale than most will ever realize. I watched it unfold right before my eyes..

Hopefully I answered your questions, forgive my novel writing, I’ve had a lot on my mind this weekend and I really wanted to make sure my story, my voice is heard. So thank you so much for making this possible! If you have any further questions please don’t hesitate to ask!

 

Sincerely,

 

Lisa Lucking

“Lucrative Lives Opiates 2018”

 

 

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Opiate Q&A Part 1…

Q: You wrote early in your blog that you followed guidelines for post-acute
withdrawals (PAWS). Can you give us a little insight into what those
guidelines entailed; were they shared by your doctor?

A: I was not given any information by my doctor on PAWS. I was actually told word for word, by my primary doctor at my 6months mark off all opiates, “There is no way you are still having withdrawals.” Completely dismissing me and what I was going through due to quitting 195mg/day of opiates cold turkey. Now looking back I would have done a MUCH slower taper to have not had such severe PAWS, though at the time all I knew was what I had researched and that was how to survive the acute withdrawals. I stumbled upon PAWS once I had already quit the opiates.

I have attached the link to one of the best descriptions of PAWS I have found.

https://mentalhealthdaily.com/2015/06/12/post-acute-withdrawal-syndrome-causes-symptoms-treatment/

 

Q: You were tested for numerous conditions based on your symptoms. What was
that process been like and what did you discover or learn from the process?

A: Long and daunting. I was pretty much left to figure out what was going on with my body on my own. It’s been 14months since I quit the opiates. I took the approach that I was having problems in multiple areas so I broke them down and started with what I thought could still be causing me these debilitating issues. I came up with the possibility of something wrong with my four level cervical fusion, MS, Fibromyalgia and possibly Arachnoiditis due to severe reactions from previous steroid injections. I started with my neurosurgeon to go over my fusion. Everything looked good there, just a bit more arthritis in my C7, T1 vertebrae. I was previously given the diagnosis of a “failed back surgery” by my new pain clinic so I wanted to see what my neurosurgeon thought. His words, “Absolutely not, you do not have a failed back surgery.” I said, “Okie dokie!” Then we went over my three pages of symptoms and he felt it was neurological (brain) so I was referred to a neurologist. The whole process from neurosurgeon to neurologist to getting some answers, took me 5 months. I have what is called Cognitive Disorder NOS. It’s unknown at this point if it’s from being on opiates long term, from quitting cold turkey or a marker for Dementia, Parkinson’s Disease or Alzheimer’s. All three run heavily on both sides of my family.

I’ve learned that we are our own advocates every step of the way, sharing our stories is what helps one another, especially dealing with an industry in denial or suffering a lack of knowledge. The lack of information as to what really happens from long term opiate use or from abruptly (cold turkey) quitting the opiates and the effects they have on the body makes it difficult to get answers. I highly recommend joining support groups as you will gain lots of useful information by others going through exactly what you are dealing with. One of the positives of social media!  I also encourage you to share your story on your personal Facebook page. Being real opens many doors and gives others the courage to talk about these real issues many are facing. It was astounding the amount of support I received from my children, my family and my friends on social media. You will also find out very quickly those in your life (or on your page) who are not as open to real, brutally raw honesty. Don’t pay any attention for those people (you’ll know instantly what I mean.) That is why there is an amazing option called, “Unfriend/Unfollow” Use it!!!!

 

Q: In terms of your 13 years working in the medical field, what was your
specific profession/degree? How did that experience benefit your diagnosis
and treatment plan?

A: I worked as a patient care technician for 13yrs in Kidney Dialysis. Unfortunately algebra and chemistry in the greater realm (outside of daily usage) wasn’t a strong point for me and I didn’t finish school to obtain my RN licensure. I did however score 100% on my final exam in dialysis after being out for a year. The only person to ever get 100% on the test so I’m pretty proud of that and I had amazing skills in sticking the needles needed for dialysis and high critical thinking skills to run the patients treatments. Many times the RN’s were so new to dialysis they would seek my advice which was something I have been very proud of. Unfortunately I am unable to return to this type of work due to many health issues I’m currently facing and healing from. Having the critical thinking skills to see a problem and find a solution, looking from every angle possible is what made this “come natural” for me in accessing my own health care.

 

Q: You mentioned that you had helped a few people through a similar process
by talking about your experience. What 3 main pieces of advice would you
offer someone about to go through an opioid taper or discontinuation?
A: First, educate yourself on how to do a proper slow taper as this is best on your body and may even lessen the long term effects or duration of effects. I would also strongly research suboxone and methadone. These were made for opiate withdrawals so there is nothing to stop the withdrawals from these. And with the health system (DEA,CDC,FDA,Politics, Pain Clinics and big pharma) controlling a billion+ dollar industry I wouldn’t count on them not cutting suboxone or methadone as well suddenly down the road. Needless to say I don’t trust them. I just knew the taper I had started was too fast (down 10mg/wk) I made it one week and it felt like an extremely slow excruciating death in all honesty. That is what made me quit cold turkey. I felt like everything awful that I was feeling would be gone once the opiates were out of my system and I’d start producing my own chemicals in no time. More than likely the trauma of quitting 195mg of opiates (Combination of percocet and morphine ER) abruptly is what is causing my continued issues. I’m not sure though as another thought by current doctors is that the opiates masked other symptoms. Time will tell.
Secondly, be prepared for pain. Just know the initial pain you feel is going to be multiplied for awhile (varies per person) and it’s not “real” pain, I use that loosely given it sure feels real no doubt, just know it will subside in time. Take lots of epsom salt baths! Also, know that things are going to be like a roller coaster for awhile, follow the PAWS timeline so you know what to expect. It was said at 6 months off opiates is when most people will relapse. This is because out of no where you get “sucker punched” with feeling awful which feels like a major set back when it hits you. This will pass and you will gradually start feeling better again. Compared to the acute withdrawal phase, ANYTHING is better, than reliving that time.
Thirdly, I can’t stress enough to be kind to yourself and to your body. Be patient with yourself and ask for help when needed. I can’t stress this enough. I have been unable to work, I’ve struggled severely financially, physically, mentally, emotionally and cognitively. I can barely do a load of laundry let alone deep clean my house. This is where I have to be patient and know I can only do so much in a day. I also strongly suggest going to YouTube and watching Ryan Donnelly, his videos are very informative either way, if you are an addict or a dependent.
Here is a link to Ryan Donnelly and his amazing and extremely educational videos.
Q: At various times in your blog, you describe the importance of mental
health therapy. Why do you think this is an important factor to chronic
pain management, and how did you go about seeking this therapy? In what
ways did it help specifically?
A: Mental health is so desperately needed for many factors I believe. During the acute withdrawals and for me, the months to follow, were very rocky emotionally. I couldn’t have done this without the support of my therapist. All of the other doctors wanted to throw me on an antidepressant. NOPE! I was dealing with my brain reprogramming years of emotions and memories and countless outside stressors. Guess what? That’s “normal” I didn’t need another medication shoved down my throat to cover yet another symptom. I wanted to find the cause and then find a solution. At one point I arrived to my therapists office and I looked at her, shook my head and said, “If I walked into a doctors office, I would diagnose myself with Bi-Polar!” No joke. I was so up and down hour to hour it was unbelievable. I knew, this was all part of healing by educating myself prior to stopping the opiates which was extremely helpful. What I have noticed is this, almost all addictions are a coping mechanism that for an addict they are using to numb deep rooted pain. This deep rooted emotional pain, for most, unknowingly occurred in their childhood. I was dealing with a 20 year on again and off again relationship with my ex husband that I was struggling severely with in addition to my researching my sons issues to get a diagnosis so we could get his therapy started. During this time I trusted my pain clinic and wasn’t following my care as I should have. Which lead to way too many medication increases in a short amount of time. I was trying to maneuver in uncharted territory and I was an emotional wreck, that is when I sought therapy for myself.
A year later, I was absolutely terrified that I wouldn’t wake up after yet another dosage increase by my pain clinic. This fear I shared with my therapist and realizing the opiates had gotten to the point where they dictated everything. I was no longer in control, the opiates and pain clinic were, due to increases and building a tolerance. In addition, I couldn’t imagine my son who is seven years old, who happens to have Autism, finding me unresponsive or worse yet..dead.
I am my son’s only primary care giver 24/7 and I am also his biggest advocate. Just the thought of me not being here for him absolutely terrified me. I will tell you this, mental health therapy one hour a week, EVERY week is necessary through this process. To fully understand the big picture with this false opiate crisis put upon us and to understand the difference between Addiction vs. Dependency. And to navigate these uncharted waters as a lot changes once your brain goes through the “reprogramming” or healing phase.
I believe there is a time and there is a place for opiates. I would use them ONLY as an “as needed basis” (as in 2-4 pain pills taken in total for a month) and only, ONLY after being off them for at least one year. I think 12 pain pills for 3 months isn’t asking a lot. Yet it is and isn’t being acknowledged by medical professionals. I can tell you that I have faced many nights/days in terrible pain due to other issues going on, yet it is impossible due to the strict opiate cuts and doctors not prescribing narcotics any longer. Which will ultimately lead people to the streets, exactly what the big wigs are all claiming to target and claiming to want to stop.
Now I’ve left out a lot of information though I touched on the most important areas as there just isn’t enough space in a Q&A to cover everything in detail. I am grateful for the opportunity to share my story in the hopes this will be helpful to medical professionals, dependent chronic pain patients and for those with addictions.
Lisa Lucking
Lucrative Lives Opiates 2018

 

 

Lucrative Lives Opiates 2018

So I’ve been trying to write a book on my experience in dealing with chronic pain and my journey in stopping opiates cold turkey.
I figured since I’ve literally been continuously foraging through depths of hell, in degrees, I didn’t know even existed.
I had to share my experience, to give others who wanted off opiates, faster resources since there wasn’t anything helpful or readily available for me. A crisis blueprint so to speak to help others.

I consistently & constantly read and research(ed) everything so I can/could to understand a cause.

If I had/have a cause, I focus on finding a solution, which for me equaled enough temporary relief to figure out how I was going to make it through that day, hour or minute during the acute withdrawals and I’ve found helpful during PAWS

And still 366 days later I mainly spend living in the minute. Not irresponsibly just taking each minute as it comes because I never know physically, emotionally or mentally how difficult each minute will be.
Thanks to whatever is causing my body to have severe cognitive issues and a host of other issues.

Initially I figured the acute withdrawals would ease up. I also had a guideline to follow for PAWS..
(post acute withdrawals)
..This timeline fueled my determination and kept me hopeful and driven. It gave me a reason to continue battling my way to the finish line…wherever that may be.

366 Days I have been opiate free. Daily I have pain, so many unexpected “bizarre” issues, muscle twinges, spasms/cramps and flare ups that are debilitating and last for days that take every ounce of my energy to breathe. The confusion, frustration and exhaustion is real.
I keep hoping that today’s going to be a good day as I access my body and mind when I wake up.
“When am I going to feel ok again?” or “Is this my longterm new normal?” And how do I continue function if so? These are my thoughts each morning. Any given night, usually in cycles, I’m faced with extreme insomnia that I’m so mentally exhausted I can’t write or think properly. And so uncomfortable I’m constantly moving from bed to the couch to bath to bed to couch.. This process and experience has been down right soul testing that’s for sure!

I finally realize, that my inner strength is far greater than I could have ever imagined, I figure it out one way or another and that’s a gift in itself.

The longest flare up I’ve had lasted 18days straight. Generally I have two “good days” then 5-8 days in active flare ups.

Still 366 days off opiates, and what I’m trying to figure out is this, what is wrong with my body and how can it be fixed? I’ve presented this to my medical team and we have begun the process of elimination in finding out what is causing my symptoms.

Prayers greatly appreciated & accepted for resolution in a timely matter.🙏🏻

1.Do I have MS and if so what stage?
(In process of testing now)

2.Do I have stage 6 fibromyalgia? Lupus? Other autoimmune issues?
These same symptoms, far less in severity, I asked about 6mos after my car accident (10 years ago) and I was dismissed for fibromyalgia.
(I believe to have been stage 1 back then if tests now show fibromyalgia)

3.Are these the chronic long term side effects from opiate use? (Taken as prescribed under a pain clinic doctors care.)

4.Are my symptoms going to be chronic due to the trauma on my brain, body and central nervous system from quitting the opiates cold turkey?

5.Do I have Arachnoiditis caused by the five steroid injections I was given in the pain clinic?
Once I was given the wrong injection (med error) and told “Sorry.”
Another injection resulted in a serious reaction during the procedure.
I literally said out loud,
“I cannot die in this clinic!” while my driver and child waited outside.
This was completely downplayed by the nurse and the doctor in room. My having 13 years experience working in the medical field, I’m very aware & experienced in critical situations.
I felt something go wrong then I could see their actions. I even met with the doctor later I was so upset this “common” reaction as he said, wasn’t ever explained to me. His excuse was, “If we tell people it will happen more often.” Poorest excuse ever.
I HAD to try these injections for pain relief to stay on with the pain clinic and to continue the opiates. Which was the only temporary relief I was and didn’t understand fully what was happening to my body at that time.
I recently learned these injections are NOT FDA approved.

This is what I deal with daily then this “opiate crisis” erupts suddenly…

It’s bullshit.
Money and politics are the driving force.

It’s the common denominator every time I connect the dots.
It’s all happening so fast right now that I can’t even write fast enough to keep up. I’m not even sure who I can help anymore.

Initially my goal was to help anyone who was wanting off opiates and anyone who reached out when I shared my experience. I helped four separate people through this process.🙌🏻

Now, the chronic pain patients are the ones dying and paying the price with zero resources.
Zero education to what’s happening to them.

The FDA, CDC, DEA and all of Congress are stumbling over each other, spinning in circles, avoiding accountability and accomplishing nothing but tons of new laws that will get lost in the accountability shuffle.

What I don’t understand is this.
Why is it always labeled Addiction?

By the news, government, DEA, CDC, FDA and among society when it comes to opiates?
(Any prescribed pharmaceutical drugs for that matter.)

“Opiates may cause addiction.”

Here’s a brilliant idea! Maybe, just MAYBE if they would tell the TRUTH:

“Your body, on a chemical level, WILL no longer naturally produce the amount of chemicals needed by receptors in your entire body and your body WILL become DEPENDENT on these opiates..
(hence withdrawals when opiate is suddenly removed or tapered/decreased too fast)
…with longterm use and this may possibly happen with short term use. In addition, you may also become addicted as well.”

How the hell does the DEA, FDA and CDC approve these drugs on these facts yet they only require partial or deceptive information given to the patient, doctor or clinic?
Oh there’s that money and politics issue again..

If they used the terms addicted & dependency correctly they would have to admit these are inhumane dosage cuts and the fast tapers are making greater problems, causing excessive amounts of pain in patients and is causing more deaths.

Suicide & death rates, in my opinion, will greatly surpass the previous overdose rates this year alone, the chronic pain patients making up this population.

Not the addicts overdosing on street carfentanyl.

Those numbers and those statistics will be “misinterpreted” and greatly underestimated when those reports are asked for by the public in the future..it is only a matter of time before we see this.

I’m in pain 24/7 and honestly 366 days ago I quit, pain clinic prescribed opiates, (195mg) and I fired my pain clinic.

I chose to do this, because my pain had radiated everywhere throughout my body, no longer was my pain only at my fusion.
(Initial reason for pain management)
This should have been caught by the third dosage increase by the doctor who was supposedly educated on prescribing this drug.

Dependent/Dependency is so downplayed, it’s rarely mentioned anywhere🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ and it IS the difference in insurance approval
($$)
or denial by the insurance companies.

Here is an example of the difference:
“Are you an addict?”

Yes.

“Ok here’s a detox program and also here’s a longterm treatment program and we will throw in large dosages of suboxone or methadone.”

Are you dependent?

Yes.

“Sorry we can’t help you. Unless that is, you take massive amounts of..
(a drug used for opiate withdrawals)
..Suboxone and THEN we can do a taper (why not just slowly taper the original opiate?)
or
you can stay on this suboxone or methadone longterm because it’s “safer and helps against addiction”🤦🏼‍♀️🤮

No it’s more money.

What happens when suboxone becomes deemed the new drug of choice fabricated crisis?
Think of ADD/ADHD medications, they’re a legal stimulant. Point blank.
It has its place and time as well. I having been diagnosed as a child at 7yrs old, as well as two of my children given the ADD/ADHD diagnosis beg to differ on its usage.

Back on subject..now what happens to those patients who are abruptly cut off Suboxone or Methadone or put on fast Suboxone or Methadone tapers then?

I believe one of the next “drug crisis” will be antidepressants.
Since that is what every doctor is pushing at the start of my appointments. And other chronic pain patients who are in physical, mental, emotional and financial crisis from being cut or tapered are FIRST offered.

Hmmmm I’m pretty sure I have a right to cry from the extensive timeframe and the amount of debilitating pain and the constant debilitating cognitive issues I live with now, that no one can answer, warrants high stress.
The clear attitude difference by doctors in my appointments tells me this is an issue as well.

I’m watching this shit show of a so called “opiate crisis” unfold before me.
I’ve seen a licensed mental health professional once a WEEK for 3 years who fully agrees that I am working through multiple extremely difficult issues. It’s expected to have dark moments trying to function under crisis, pain or trauma. I work through these issues without daily pharmaceutical medications that will only mask or numb the emotional (mental heath) experiences.
I highly recommend finding the right fit and finding a mental health therapist experienced in all areas you may have trauma. Childhood trauma not treated and consisting of:
emotional, mental, physical abuse and toxic family environments will follow into adulthood.

Those who find a way to work through these issues (mental heath therapy) and have the courage to face the extremely painful and difficult emotions, find peace and they heal. They learn to detach in a healthy way from those who actively contributed to and continue to contribute to negatively impact their lives.

At first, I didn’t feel like I had a choice. When in fact I did have a choice. I could have given up and not had the courage to face many past issues that come rushing back after coming off a medication that affects how the brain functions.
I will not give up. I will continue to heal and recover.
For me, I had to get the opiates out of my system to know fully understand what was happening to my body..unfortunately I believe Pandora’s box may have been opened medically.

Ironically, THAT was my fear.
I was terrified of suboxone withdrawals. Everything I had read, I would survive opiate withdrawals, and the acute intense pain should ease.

Suboxone, wasn’t as cut and dry cold turkey. Suboxone has 10X worse the withdrawals spoken by those going through this BEFORE the “opiate crisis” and BEFORE the inhumane drastic dosage cuts and fast tapers started.
This terrified me before this, now I’m terrified for others who have no idea what’s happening.

The issues I faced just prior to this so called “opiate crisis” were never addressed years ago.
2012 I was sent from primary dr to a pain clinic.

This is where the problem was created. More pain clinics went off incentives and half truths than most. Just look at all of the raids and closures of pain clinics across the country in the last few weeks alone..🤦🏼‍♀️

Remember that contract you signed as a pain clinic patient?
That essentially was you giving up your rights to speak against the Pain Clinic and how they did your pain management. If you said anything you were a “drug seeker” or you were warned, three strikes you’re out. No meds.

When in actuality, it was “misdiagnosed” opiate tolerance. This one is on the pain clinics hands.

So all of the patients who spoke out or became tolerant faster than others and felt more pain due to tolerance and requested more medication because they were in greater pain, they were the ones cut off and dismissed from the program..Guess who went to friends, family and the streets to get the only thing they knew to make their excruciating pain stop? (real and perceived pain) you guessed it, Anyone cut off opiates.
I also feel the cartel could see the demand and they jumped on a lucrative opportunity…welcome to carfentanyl.

I wonder how many people actually know the difference between Addiction and Dependence?

So who’s helping those contracted pain clinic patients who have been cut off or put on a fast taper?
Where is their mental health support? (God knows they’ll need it!) Where is the doctor to explain in detail what’s happening to them chemically and physically with longterm use?

Naw, It’s far more lucrative for those profiting from this and to have society believe everyone an addict I’ve learned…

~Lisa Lucking

https://youtu.be/Pou87CV5onw

The Letter I’ll Never Send To My Ex….

So you decided to come over to talk with me. After a night of your sending me dick pictures and wanting to fuck me because you like fucking me and wanted to remind me of that. Then realizing immediately after that you shouldn’t have done that knowing how badly it hurts me while you shove all emotions aside.

I think it’s that moment of realizing and feeling  bad that gets me and makes me feel so strongly that there is hope for you. For us. Maybe it’s all a façade and I’m to unhealthy to fully comprehend it as such. So I keep hoping.

Only considering you feelings during sex and that instant gratification you get. Emotionless sex. You freely admit to it. That’s why you already found someone else to sleep with then push her to the side because you don’t want a relationship not realizing you’ve just started another. And that to will end awfully. Maybe not for you, but for her, another damaged soul by your lack of concern in another persons feelings. Just pushed them aside to satisfy your own needs for that moment. Heartbreaking.

I feel like I already know the answer to this huge puzzle. You won’t stop running. It’s far to painful. No matter what I show you, no matter how invested and loyal I am, you’ll keep running.

Hopefully once I start with my therapist and work though ending codependency I will stop hurting for something that will never exist between us. The narcissist will never change. He is “happy” in his vicious cycle. I have a chance and I will grow from this. I think in time I will let go of the strong desire to be a partner with you. God I hope so, I can’t continue to cry like this, my  mother’s death was as painful as this is for me. Yet you carry on stuffing emotions and being supplied by your inner circle of family and friends who will continue to tell you to stay on your path. Why wouldn’t they, you supply their needs as they supply yours.

Hours later I sit here and wish I could have realized all of this before you stopped wanting to try.. maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. The worst part is I actually thought today, “What if we just slept together?” because I want to hold you and feel you in the way that I feel close to you..

Then I remind myself sex is just that, sex, to you. No emotional attachment for you. It makes me wonder if ever you attached any sort of emotion to our sex or was I just like any other woman you’ve had sex with, just an object? I guess I should have asked that. Because maybe like everything I’ve read tells me it’s impossible for you to have true emotions or connections…

****This letter was written about a month after I had been discarded by my narcissist. He never actually said our relationship  was over, he never talked about anything until a month later when I asked him to come over so I could say some things and get closure or an understanding. He just quit talking and he text to schedule picking up our son. I wasn’t calling him because at this point I was done unless he made a serious apology and his behavior changed. His actions proved as a month went by what his plan was all along and he had in fact secured a new supply months before he discarded me. This I found out later. For me from this point it was absolute hell emotionally. It took me three months to even breathe, to stop crying uncontrollably at any given moment. To try and make some sort of sense out of what just happened.. I will be posting soon to give a recap of what I have learned and what has happened in the past five months.

Stay tuned…..

 

 

 

 

The Devil’s Spawn Among Us…

Narcissist are literally Lucifer’s children living among us and ruining lives everywhere they turn as they carry on as if they are on top of the world and everything is perfect.

Yet the trail of their destruction is never ending and causes trauma in generations to last unless it is addressed and dealt with by family, friends and contacts. I just was researching articles as my 13yr old son. Who is living with his father due  to his not wanting to change school districts when I moved out four years ago. What my son doesn’t realize is that he has such a fear of something happening to his father if he isn’t around him and that is the main source of his anxiety. He needs to know where his father is at all times, calls him multiple times throughout the day out of fear. What is most terrifying is my son has said to me on numerous occasions, “Move back in with dad, I’ll make him stop, I’ll tell him he as to!!” It literally tears me apart because he doesn’t see how mentally unhealthy this thinking is. I keep telling him the only person who can change is his father. He lost his wife, he lost us as a family and that still wasn’t enough to stop him. I repeatedly had to remind him it is not his responsibility to fix his father and there is nothing he can do to change his behaviors and addictions. My son has gotten to the point of not even contacting me unless I initiate contact due to this other woman always at his house and he is afraid it will upset me. I have made it very clear my only focus is my relationship with him. I am not concerned with this other woman nor am I concerned with what his father does unless it effects him. Right now, the actions of his father are effecting my son. Severely unfortunately and it’s breaking my heart. Listening to the things my son says and his views towards me are sickening. They are sickening because he is being brainwashed by two narcissists. He was placing blame on me for our family not working out, because I left due to his fathers drinking. He felt I should just accept it, as his father and grandmother feel it’s my issue and my fault that I cannot “accept him for who he is.” I’m sorry I can no longer support a grown man who has no intentions on stopping this awful behavior and to continuously bring arguments and stress to the relationship due to his actions while drinking. I can no longer support a man who spends more time numbing his pain with alcohol, drugs and sex (multiple women) than owning up to and facing his issues. He is severely damaged due to his narcissistic mother, his alcoholic father, his mother abandoning him as a young child and being sexually assaulted by his babysitters as a young boy. These are issues I cannot fix. I have offered my never ending support if he were to seek help, I would have stood by his side through it all, yet he chose to abandon our relationship so he doesn’t have to deal with his demons. He started another relationship and left an awful disaster for us to deal with. I had no choice but to stop. I had to stop trying for the potential I could see in him. I had to stop believing in him because now my mental health is damaged along with my children’s mental health being damaged. It literally took four months of being away from him and dealing with his no contact and ice cold behavior to realize he never had any intentions of having a true relationship. Because he is not capable of dealing with his issues nor is he capable of changing them. Narcissist, alcoholic and sex addict.

When we were still dating/together I was able to have some sort of eye on what was going on at his house and protect my children because I was always over at his house. One of my  main fears by ending the relationship with their father was that I would no longer  be near them to protect them if I wasn’t dating him. Right now he has a breathalyzer in his truck. At the end of this month the whiskey plates come off all of the vehicles and this is when all hell is going to break loose. My ex will be putting the breathalyzer in his second vehicle and he will continue to drive his primary vehicle. Now is when he will have a few drinks or the next morning, when he claims he is just fine after a night of drinking, he will drive again. (he has a personal breathalyzer, which he had shown the kids while on a family vacation this past August, he blew a 0.10 the next morning.) I did not allow our 5yr old to attend this vacation as I knew what would happen in regards to the family and their drinking. I have been very clear with him that he will not drink around our 5yr old. He will push this boundary and he will not have me tell him what he can or cannot do. When he pushes the boundary I will not allow our son to go with him or be at his home. This is when the ex is going to get ugly and his mother will step in with their attorney. This is when the ex will threaten to or stop paying what he’s been paying for the past four years.  Our home, my truck and the cable/internet. What is sad is my 13yr son said, “You should be grateful he’s paying out of the kindness of his heart, you know he doesn’t have to do that.” This is when I made it understood that his father has a financial obligation for his children so in no way shape or form am I to be “grateful” he is doing these things. Along with the fact his father put me in a financial situation he knew I could not afford and that kept him in control. Which I didn’t see back then unfortunately. And the fact that my 13yr old son has this thought process is directly coming from the brainwashing by his father and grandmother. I have also made it known to my son that I am extremely concerned for his wellbeing and his mental health which our last conversation confirmed my fears.

Since I ended the relationship with my ex I’ve been able to see the whole picture and what really has been going on all these years. I have known the things my ex’s mother has said and done were not right though I tolerated her behavior for my ex. As I learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am literally terrified for my children! I see how my good intentions, trust, hope and wanting the best for my ex and us as a family were manipulated against me. I see now how a lot of things were red flags from the very beginning. I’m embarrassed I am now in this situation and that I brought children into this disaster. This breaks my heart more than anything.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching to try and understand how I got where I am and why I feel the way I do. Point blank my best intentions were used against me and I never saw it coming. This is such a twisted mindfuck of a situation and then you throw their wealth into the mix, along with his narcissistic controlling mother and I’m not completely sure where to begin. I do know that a lot of the documenting I have been doing over the past few years was my knowing something wasn’t right. I also know this is what will make it clearer to the abuse that has been taking place for so many years. My children do not need to learn about this in the way I have. Through years of struggling, heartache and pain. It isn’t supposed to be this confusing.

I understand now that my childhood absolutely affected my life, my thoughts and my actions in my adulthood. I was always at such a loss for why the opposite of what I wanted in a relationship was always happening. I see now it’s by my accepting disrespect that these relationships failed. Because I grew up in such chaos I unknowingly seemed to seek out relationships that mimicked my childhood. I accepted horrible behavior as love. Love does not hurt. Love is not harmful. Love is kind, patient and love is unconditional. This I now understand. I also felt the need to help everyone every time anyone had a problem. I was the first in line to help them. Never once have I stepped back and said, “I can’t help them.” or “It is not my job to help them.” Until now.

I am now focusing on my needs and what I need to do to break this awful cycle of abuse. I no longer allow others to disrespect me, degrade me, control me or belittle me. I no longer try and “save” or “fix” others.  I understand if  I want to help others my best option is to focus on a career in helping others. A career in helping others will be a great way for me to still be supportive to others and to give them the proper tools to help themselves. In addition to becoming  financially stable for myself and my children which is something I desperately need to accomplish.

I wrote this a couple months ago and I have a lot more to write about though I felt this needed to be published also. I have to say this has been one incredible and unbelievable journey!

 

Loving a narcissist, unconditionally, cost me my everything-

I had lived the past 22yrs in a relationship, that not until ending it 5mos ago, seeking therapy and educating myself, have I realized how my codependent/narcissistic relationship had transpired. How I ended up where I am today. Finally healing!🙌🏻

Photography with Amanda of

He lied- and I forgave. He cheated and I forgave- He missed Christenings of his own children and I forgave- He missed birthdays and I forgave- Then, after finally going to court for child support and he started missing his every other weekends, I forgave- Why? Why did I let this one man do me and my kids so much harm? Now that I look back, he struck when i was hot- He struck when I was golden, He struck when I was on top of the world- When I had the world by the balls he came- he begged me for my attention, begged me to give him another chance- begged me to make his family work- And instead of being the strong, independent woman I have always been, and instead of saying no way- you don’t deserve me..I said ok. I was so close to moving on with…

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We all have an expiration date with a Narcissist! Understanding the attachment to a Narcissist! The denial and cognitive dissonance that distorts our normal reality.

Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial. The denial is based on the emotional connection (love) because a target/v…

Source: We all have an expiration date with a Narcissist! Understanding the attachment to a Narcissist! The denial and cognitive dissonance that distorts our normal reality.

You, Yourself and You (2 min read) — The Millionaire’s Digest

Written by Millionaire’s Digest Staff Member: Franci Hoffman Founder & Owner of: Amanpan Millionaire’s Digest Staff Team, Author, Successful Living Writer You need to get a grip.You can start by taking it one step at a time. If things in your life seem overwhelming, take small steps toward making your life more manageable. Understand and trust […]

via You, Yourself and You (2 min read) — The Millionaire’s Digest