So Fucking Tired Of Crying…

When will this stop?! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! So my ex came by  yesterday so we could talk and I could get some bit of closure. That actually was really good. Now mind you the night prior he was drunk sending me dick pictures wanting to fuck me more than anything. Yet we managed to just talk, nothing more, when he came over yesterday. It was so bittersweet, relieving and saddening all in one. I think the hardest part was when I gave him a hug and our five year old son came running over and said, “Group hug!!!!” And it was the longest and quietest hug ever.. Then last night he text me, “I never want to hurt you. I want you to know that.” So of course I respond and then we get into texting and then he decides to call me. So we are talking, which I can tell he’s had a couple drinks, and it feels like he’s trying to understand things and explain his feelings then suddenly I hear our 13 year old in the background say, “Is Emily still here?”

Ok, hold the fuck up! I said, “Was Emily just there?” And he began to tell me yes they went and had a few drinks and he couldn’t take it any longer and told them all to leave including her. I seriously was in awe that he would have gotten away with this if I hadn’t heard our older son in the background. (whole other issue already bringing a woman around our very deeply troubled thirteen year old) Now mind you this is the woman his “great” helping friends, set him up with a month after we broke up, to help him. These are not healthy friends that is no wonder I didn’t care for most especially this couple! Now I know this man and he ain’t doing anything other than trying to get laid to feed his needs. He doesn’t want a relationship (he isn’t capable of a true relationship) and I told him well he’s started one by fucking her! Here is my problem, I know this and I understand how fucked up he is and how damaged he is yet I still am in love with him, I still want him to seek help to be healthy and quit running and stuffing his pain. That is fucked up! My God..

I decided to be blunt in my writing of this because I know I need help. Just because I understand his pain doesn’t mean I should not allow him to hurt me. Or expect me to be accepting of this type of behavior. Yes, he sent her away and yes he called me. He shouldn’t even THINK of being with another woman if he wanted me and all of me! I could care less about her because I know she’s going to get hurt. If she doesn’t see it now, soon she will. Maybe she will be fine with it like I was for so long who knows. I do know he  will shove her aside because he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone but me yet we can’t figure out why it’s always a constant battle. Actually I’ve figured it out. He wants to get away with not facing his demons and taking it out on me. And he chooses the decisions he has. Not me.

Guess what? I know why it is! Because I allow him to walk the fuck all over me! That’s why! So why in the fuck can I not stop the constant flow of fucking tears..

Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words. I have this everywhere in my house for a reminder to myself along with a plethora of other positive and inspirational sayings to drill it into my head I DESERVE BETTER DAMN IT!!!!!!

It’s the 22 years of going through hell and back together, he’s always been there up until now, through all of the dedication and changes I’ve made over the past five years hurt the most. I was working so hard for our relationship.. I was no angel I’ll tell you that right now. I didn’t act appropriately when his drinking hurt me ten years ago. In return I hurt him. Which I learned I would never in my life do to another human being again. I am strong enough to speak my feelings now. Or leave the relationship if it’s toxic. (Trust me, I’m very aware and will be extremely cautious when the time comes to get involved in another relationship. For now and some time I’m just focusing on myself, my children and our health and happiness.)

I’ve learned so much yet I feel I’m still so far from understanding it all at the same time.

Why am I crying?

Because I know deep down he’s a good man in a tremendous amount of pain. Because it was not all bad. Not at all. Just that the bad was so hurtful to me I would shut down or get angry. Because everything feels like it was for nothing and I feel like it wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Oh God please give me strength right now. Please make these tears go away. I feel like my heart is being ripped out right before my eyes..

I’m finding a therapist as soon as the week is over because I need to work on me that is for sure. I see and know that if a man truly loves you they would never inflict this horrendous amount of pain on me. I know this. But the tears don’t stop.

See already just writing this out, seeing it in front of me brings clarity, that I need help. And it makes the anger towards him come back and the tears stop for the moment.

I fucking hate this. I knew it would be hard leaving just as I knew staying would be hard. I hate knowing there is a part of him, inside there somewhere deep down, that he doesn’t want us to end. I hate knowing he chooses unhealthy addictions to “deal” with his pain. We both had such traumatic childhoods that it set us up for this type of relationship without fully realizing it.

He told me something new last night about his childhood and I feel like he knows he can confide in me, yet now I wonder is it just another ploy to keep me hanging on? This is killing me inside.

The positive that I have learned is for once in my life I actually enjoy being alone in the physical sense. I hate he and I are not going to make it to the happily ever after, yet I don’t want to run out and get involved in any way with someone new. I know I need to make sure I am healed and know how to stick to healthy boundaries or walk away. I know I can’t fix others yet it’s in my nature to be a caregiver. That is also what bonds me to my ex. I know every single aspect of his life and I just want to see him happy yet I have sacrificed myself in the process which is not healthy. And I will not repeat this in the next relationship.

It’s interesting because I wrote the above paragraphs three days ago..

My prayer’s once again have been answered. I feel stronger than ever and the tears have been at bay. The second I get the inkling that I may get choked up, I stop and remind myself this:

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!!!

It instantly makes me look at the reality of it and I’m back to being strong for ME. I see how badly I’ve been suffering in pain and he isn’t there. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, he isn’t here for me, in a loving and respectful relationship way.

That isn’t love.

He cares about me and is concerned for our son and I in the way of financially making sure we are safe and have a roof over our heads. For that I am grateful.

Actions speak louder than words….

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