Feeling defeated at this thing called life..

I am at the point of wondering how I got myself where I am at in this rollercoaster life…or why am I here.  I apparently feel that love, happiness, family, compassion, understanding, excitement, trust, appreciation and respect are things that should be in all relationships yet I can’t recall any relationships that have been built with the above. I honestly feel so alone and sad at the lack of these things in my life. I had an awful childhood..who didn’t?..yet it just keeps rolling over into everything else in my life and I’m damn sick of it.  So if any of you have followed me you know I had gone a full year without any contact from my father..you know what? That sure changes things a whole hell of a lot! I don’t desire a relationship with him because of that..that side of my family..I have nothing in common with and no real attatchment any longer. My Mothers side..well let’s just say once she died so did they..I was the only child from my mom and dad so as far as siblings go..I only have one of four I am in occasional contact with given we all went our own ways. I think about it and on my Fathers side I wasn’t the one to seperate us as a family..last year when they all went on a family vacation I found it extremely hurtful I wasn’t even included and later to find out they talked about asking me..I never was asked so that’s where that went..I shouldn’t have expected anything less as I was treated as an outsider from the day their family was created. 

Then comes my marriage/divorce relationship..the hear and now of it is I am tired, exhausted and plain and simple lonely in a loveless relationship..I can’t tell if it’s him having (undiagnosed) Aspberger’s that is the biggest problem or the combination of that, the drinking and the money/control..I think it’s all playing a part of my exhaustion quite frankly.. We just returned from a family vacation..what a disfuction.  Kids under age allowed to drink/smoke pot, our 12yr old..who had chosen to stay with dad when I moved out, is unbelieveable..swearing constantly arguing constantly not taking his medication because dad won’t inforce it and I am in utter disgust at how he is turning out..no respect and thinks he can do whatever he feels..well he does because that’s what dad allows..my 18yr old just grabs a beer and when I asked him what he was doing he said, “I don’t think a couple is a big deal!” Yet he knows I CLEARLY DO NOT APPROVE..hence I didn’t see him do again..at least he respected that from what I could tell the rest of the time.. 

I sat on the deck watching them all and it really hit me how sad I am as a mother my two children have chosen to be at their dads..neither call and check in with me nor do they stay over anymore..why would you when you get a credit card for anything and everything you want? When you can drink in the shed with friends and girls and dad allows it..heaven forbid I bring that up to thier father..I’m just being a bitch about it all and he sees nothing wrong with it..coming from a man who just lost his license due to a “B” card violation…which he’s going to court this week for..yet hasn’t talked one word to me about..whole two and a half hour car ride with maybe ten words said to eachother..the only time he made any attempt at showing any affection towards me was when he woke up because his dog woke him up..and heaven help me to go into what an awful dog he has raised…he decided to wake me up at 7am..after 18yrs he knows not to wake me up at that time..for sex..when I woke up crabby he said it was for me..yeah..no you are being your selfish self again and your only looking to satisfy yourself..that didn’t end well..so needless to say later that morning when our diagnosed Autistic son didn’t want to wear his lifejacket down to the beach..which is a no bend rule..he has to always wear it..and never bucks it..until dad goes along with it..then I come down and make him put it on…guess who is the bad guy..this mom right here..our son yelled he hated me over and over for making him put it on when dad didn’t…when I got upset with dad and told him he needs to back me up I was told to shut the fuck up…yeah that’s because he didn’t get laid so now I get struggles and attitude the rest of the day..fabulous.

Now bring work into it and we have a full shitshow completion..so I work in a bar as a bartender..we just were made to go through certification on “safe serving”..then we have an issue of a manager and a waitress (two others involved) with serving known (all friends) minors..may I say we have failed two stings thus far and NOT on my watch! ..so no one wants to tell the boss and it gets told to me then I have a situation where the waitresses involved were working on my shift..I thought something was going on so I checked into it..the boss thinking they were possibly serving minors so he jumps up and checks everyones ID’s…at this time I make it clear to these waitresses I know what has gone on and it’s NOT happening on my shift! The one freaks out and rats out the manager and another waitress for serving two different minors..one being her boyfriend..the next day manager in said incident text me telling me to stay out if it she will take care of it..now we have a long running butting heads..she has got to be one of the worst managers I’ve yet to see in the industry…it’s always something..but the day she had me suspended for something off the clock put me at the end of dealing with any of her shit anylonger…long story short boss paid me for time missed plus extra and her and I just steer clear of eachother..all is good.  Well after this last incident and once she text me starting shit I had enough and explained to my boss what was going on because I respect him and I know that once he did find out..if he ever would have..he would have been so disappointed in me for keeping that from him…I literally had such anxiety I couldn’t sleep for shit since I found out and would have to see him knowing what I knew..well that’s another mistake on my part…he suspended them all for a weekend then they were all back like nothing ever happened…so you can imagine how much fun I am having at work with these people now..on top of my niece going in and a waitress that was involved making a comment to her friends and not serving my niece because she is related to me…wtf is going on in this world is all I can think anymore…

I think I’ve had my fill..I’ve always been a positive person and I feel like that person has been lost..the only true enjoyment I find is being with my four year old son..god bless his loving innocent soul.


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