Heart ache and Crossroads..

How does a woman deal with the loss of a child through miscarrige? Time..time gets you to move forward..never forgetting yet you move forward in life. It’s been three years since I lost  child at 8wks. When I found out I was pregnant I felt such a sense of “completion” inside as though I knew with this child it would be my last..What I wasn’t prepaired for was not being able to have this child or for that matter have my “last” child.  I understand another will never replace my lost child. What I do feel is incomplete…even three years later. It has come down to time..Im in the last year I feel is acceptable to have another child..I’m 41..I would love the opportunity to possibly have a daughter..after three boys and a step-son a girl would really be enjoyed and change my elder years..yet another boy I’d be just as blessed!  Problem…my other half has decided he will not give me another child…which has caused a lot of tension for us as he stands his ground I am trying to accept yet he can’t even be supportive towards my feelings. I’m sure your all wondering at this point why on earth would I want another child with this man..well honestly, it would be much easier than trying to meet someone else who would want a child and I can’t do it by myself..I also want my children to have the same father. And..I can’t exactly “start over” at this point in life.. He said his reasons for not wanting another child are that he is too old..he will be 45 in July..he claims he never should have had children as he is tired of being responsible for others and can’t wait until they are all grown and out of the house…ugh that makes me so angry!! This life isn’t about racing to the grave for gosh sakes..I feel life is NOW having our children, raising them..teaching and learning from them..learning how precious they are and how amazing they are..here’s the real kicker…he has asperger’s which in return our 12 and 4yr olds are on the Austism spectrum..which I can tell you is NOT a death sentence for my children or us! They are the most amazing kids ever! You just have to be educated on how these children learn and grow best..it’s not your grandparents parenting..it’s called having compassion and patience and slowing down to really understand these kids..something I am full of..my kids are my life they are the most precious gifts ever bestowed apon me..my focus has always been my children as my partner is never fully engaged given he is an alcoholic on top of it all..hence the reason we can’t live together..I accept his disease at a distance..if he’s doing well I will be around him..if he’s not…I go home..the more I type the more rediculous this all sounds.. I don’t even know where to go from here at the moment.. Any thoughts would be appreciated.





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