Driving through tears..

It’s been three days since I learned of my ex-husbands rendezvous while on vacation and any moment I have not busy I find myself with tears streaming down my face. My heart physically hurts and it’s so hard to breathe.. I wish there was a magic button to make it all go away..like the button that instantly made him go away..
I know it sounds crazy being he is my ex-husband and yes I filed for divorce, yet since we divorced in 2006 there has been a lot between us still and for it to end so abruptly and in the manner that it did absolutely breaks my heart.
Sixteen years together pretty much..I guess I hoped one day we would work through our issues and be a family..maybe because it’s been so drawn out.
I’m not sure anymore.
I understand everything happens for a reason and in it’s right time and we may never understand until further down the road..and then again we may never understand why things happen the way they do..this one crushes me right now, that I know.
I’m afraid to ever see him..I’m afraid I’ll break down the second I do and that I’ll see satisfaction in his eyes instead of the compassion I once had seen in him.
I’m going to miss him..I’m going to miss the thought of us pulling through and being a family like we intended.
I guess I need to for once and for all let go..
Let go of what I wanted so badly all these years with him and accept that it will never be, no matter how hard I try or how hard I believe we could have made it.
It would be a lot easier to accept this if it were under different circumstances I guess. If I would not have been lead to believe we were headed in the direction of a positive outcome between us.
I have to remember he is forever bitter and resentful for my divorcing him, when in fact it was the alcoholic I wanted to divorce, not him.
I have to remember he is an alcoholic, he is a mommy’s boy and the conscience he so proudly boasted about does not exist…for he has proven that. I think that’s what digs the knife in deeper to my heart…after all the things he has said about me and how awful I was…he did exactly what he preached about him never doing and being so proud of that.
The tears ceased for now…
Maybe gentle self reminders of the not so pleasant side will awake my inner ability to move through this with grace.





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