Mommy I’m home!

I have to say the hardest time for me is when my two and a half year old son visits his dad every other weekend and Tuesdays overnight.  I miss my little man so much it’s crazy.  I also know what goes on while he is over there..I can see it in him when he returns or hear it in his voice when I talk to him over the phone while he is there.

I have three boys, sixteen, ten and two and a half years old..all over the board! (And an eighteen year old step-son I was around since he was 2.)

To explain the dynamics a little…my ex husband is an alcoholic and current cocaine user…I know your saying, “what the hell are you letting the kids go there for???”  It’s not all that simple.

My ex husbands mother is EXTREMELY wealthy…we’re not talking a few million wealthy…we are talking hundreds of millions wealthy.  With that comes control..

A little background…

We divorced in 2006, then in 2009 were hanging out together (which included sex) for some time and then found out we were pregnant with our now almost three year old son.  I moved back in with him..in the house we were given as a wedding present that I was able to pick out.  Almost immediately after our son was born the drinking and drug use on his part became worse.  At this point I didn’t want to leave because I knew how his mother and her money controlled things in court during our divorce..I couldn’t go through that again.

I decided I needed to get a job doing something, I couldn’t go back into the medial field as the car accident left me with a four level neck fusion and unable to lift like I used to do.  I went back to bartending..only part time at first..then I gradually picked up more and more shifts because I felt alive again being around the greatest group of coworkers I could have asked for! And the best boss I have ever had made/makes it great too!

Then in June of 2012 I found out I was pregnant again… I was thrilled beyond belief..maybe this was my girl!!!  He on the other hand flipped out..and I mean flipped out..telling me we were going in and I was to have an abortion!

Are you kidding me?! I was 38yrs old him 42…no way was this a form of birth control and as far as I was concerned..I took care of the kids from the time they were born anyhow..financially, his mother gave him on a monthly basis…over ten thousand dollars easily..she pays for their college tuition where ever they want to go..so why would I think any different.  We were supposed to be together this time to the end, through thick and thin…his true colors were showing again..and I needed to take off my rose colored glasses once again.

Wanting my marriage, my husband and my children to have a family was what I wanted more than anything..yet anything was seriously being tested to the fullest.

His mother tore me apart on how I should not be having this child…found any and everything possible to absolutely rip me apart on how wrong I was to have this child when her son did not want it.  Last time I had checked, he was fully aware of how children were made…can’t say he wasn’t at fault also.  Knowing I wasn’t on birth control.

August 8, 2012 I went alone to my first ultrasound. There was no heartbeat. My child had died at two and a half months.  I was absolutely showing, family, friends, coworkers and customers knew I was pregnant.  At that moment my whole world fell apart…

I dealt with this alone..for the most part.  He was with me for the D&C procedure..watched me fall apart..cry uncontrollably..watched the physical and emotional pain I was in…never would ask how I was doing.  Never once wanted to talk about it.

I did receive an apology letter from his mother.

He  knew I didn’t want it to end this way…he knew I wanted another child..he played my emotions and we had sex twice all along  leading me to believe we were trying for another child.

Then the third time we had sex he pulled out…I was devastated!  I asked him after what was that was all about…here’s what he said.

“I only did it the other two times because I knew you couldn’t get pregnant, I don’t want anymore kids, ever.”

Good bye rose colored glasses and hello resentment.

You don’t move past resentment, at least I couldn’t being with him and knowing he alone controlled and was taking away any chance of me having a future I dreamed of.

I made it exactly 11 months.

Resentment won..I moved out July 1st of 2012.

To be continued…………….

Sincerely,

Ms.Luck

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