Lucrative Lives Opiates 2018

So I’ve been trying to write a book on my experience in dealing with chronic pain and my journey in stopping opiates cold turkey.
I figured since I’ve literally been continuously foraging through depths of hell, in degrees, I didn’t know even existed.
I had to share my experience, to give others who wanted off opiates, faster resources since there wasn’t anything helpful or readily available for me. A crisis blueprint so to speak to help others.

I consistently & constantly read and research(ed) everything so I can/could to understand a cause.

If I had/have a cause, I focus on finding a solution, which for me equaled enough temporary relief to figure out how I was going to make it through that day, hour or minute during the acute withdrawals and I’ve found helpful during PAWS

And still 366 days later I mainly spend living in the minute. Not irresponsibly just taking each minute as it comes because I never know physically, emotionally or mentally how difficult each minute will be.
Thanks to whatever is causing my body to have severe cognitive issues and a host of other issues.

Initially I figured the acute withdrawals would ease up. I also had a guideline to follow for PAWS..
(post acute withdrawals)
..This timeline fueled my determination and kept me hopeful and driven. It gave me a reason to continue battling my way to the finish line…wherever that may be.

366 Days I have been opiate free. Daily I have pain, so many unexpected “bizarre” issues, muscle twinges, spasms/cramps and flare ups that are debilitating and last for days that take every ounce of my energy to breathe. The confusion, frustration and exhaustion is real.
I keep hoping that today’s going to be a good day as I access my body and mind when I wake up.
“When am I going to feel ok again?” or “Is this my longterm new normal?” And how do I continue function if so? These are my thoughts each morning. Any given night, usually in cycles, I’m faced with extreme insomnia that I’m so mentally exhausted I can’t write or think properly. And so uncomfortable I’m constantly moving from bed to the couch to bath to bed to couch.. This process and experience has been down right soul testing that’s for sure!

I finally realize, that my inner strength is far greater than I could have ever imagined, I figure it out one way or another and that’s a gift in itself.

The longest flare up I’ve had lasted 18days straight. Generally I have two “good days” then 5-8 days in active flare ups.

Still 366 days off opiates, and what I’m trying to figure out is this, what is wrong with my body and how can it be fixed? I’ve presented this to my medical team and we have begun the process of elimination in finding out what is causing my symptoms.

Prayers greatly appreciated & accepted for resolution in a timely matter.🙏🏻

1.Do I have MS and if so what stage?
(In process of testing now)

2.Do I have stage 6 fibromyalgia? Lupus? Other autoimmune issues?
These same symptoms, far less in severity, I asked about 6mos after my car accident (10 years ago) and I was dismissed for fibromyalgia.
(I believe to have been stage 1 back then if tests now show fibromyalgia)

3.Are these the chronic long term side effects from opiate use? (Taken as prescribed under a pain clinic doctors care.)

4.Are my symptoms going to be chronic due to the trauma on my brain, body and central nervous system from quitting the opiates cold turkey?

5.Do I have Arachnoiditis caused by the five steroid injections I was given in the pain clinic?
Once I was given the wrong injection (med error) and told “Sorry.”
Another injection resulted in a serious reaction during the procedure.
I literally said out loud,
“I cannot die in this clinic!” while my driver and child waited outside.
This was completely downplayed by the nurse and the doctor in room. My having 13 years experience working in the medical field, I’m very aware & experienced in critical situations.
I felt something go wrong then I could see their actions. I even met with the doctor later I was so upset this “common” reaction as he said, wasn’t ever explained to me. His excuse was, “If we tell people it will happen more often.” Poorest excuse ever.
I HAD to try these injections for pain relief to stay on with the pain clinic and to continue the opiates. Which was the only temporary relief I was and didn’t understand fully what was happening to my body at that time.
I recently learned these injections are NOT FDA approved.

This is what I deal with daily then this “opiate crisis” erupts suddenly…

It’s bullshit.
Money and politics are the driving force.

It’s the common denominator every time I connect the dots.
It’s all happening so fast right now that I can’t even write fast enough to keep up. I’m not even sure who I can help anymore.

Initially my goal was to help anyone who was wanting off opiates and anyone who reached out when I shared my experience. I helped four separate people through this process.🙌🏻

Now, the chronic pain patients are the ones dying and paying the price with zero resources.
Zero education to what’s happening to them.

The FDA, CDC, DEA and all of Congress are stumbling over each other, spinning in circles, avoiding accountability and accomplishing nothing but tons of new laws that will get lost in the accountability shuffle.

What I don’t understand is this.
Why is it always labeled Addiction?

By the news, government, DEA, CDC, FDA and among society when it comes to opiates?
(Any prescribed pharmaceutical drugs for that matter.)

“Opiates may cause addiction.”

Here’s a brilliant idea! Maybe, just MAYBE if they would tell the TRUTH:

“Your body, on a chemical level, WILL no longer naturally produce the amount of chemicals needed by receptors in your entire body and your body WILL become DEPENDENT on these opiates..
(hence withdrawals when opiate is suddenly removed or tapered/decreased too fast)
…with longterm use and this may possibly happen with short term use. In addition, you may also become addicted as well.”

How the hell does the DEA, FDA and CDC approve these drugs on these facts yet they only require partial or deceptive information given to the patient, doctor or clinic?
Oh there’s that money and politics issue again..

If they used the terms addicted & dependency correctly they would have to admit these are inhumane dosage cuts and the fast tapers are making greater problems, causing excessive amounts of pain in patients and is causing more deaths.

Suicide & death rates, in my opinion, will greatly surpass the previous overdose rates this year alone, the chronic pain patients making up this population.

Not the addicts overdosing on street carfentanyl.

Those numbers and those statistics will be “misinterpreted” and greatly underestimated when those reports are asked for by the public in the future..it is only a matter of time before we see this.

I’m in pain 24/7 and honestly 366 days ago I quit, pain clinic prescribed opiates, (195mg) and I fired my pain clinic.

I chose to do this, because my pain had radiated everywhere throughout my body, no longer was my pain only at my fusion.
(Initial reason for pain management)
This should have been caught by the third dosage increase by the doctor who was supposedly educated on prescribing this drug.

Dependent/Dependency is so downplayed, it’s rarely mentioned anywhere🤦🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️ and it IS the difference in insurance approval
($$)
or denial by the insurance companies.

Here is an example of the difference:
“Are you an addict?”

Yes.

“Ok here’s a detox program and also here’s a longterm treatment program and we will throw in large dosages of suboxone or methadone.”

Are you dependent?

Yes.

“Sorry we can’t help you. Unless that is, you take massive amounts of..
(a drug used for opiate withdrawals)
..Suboxone and THEN we can do a taper (why not just slowly taper the original opiate?)
or
you can stay on this suboxone or methadone longterm because it’s “safer and helps against addiction”🤦🏼‍♀️🤮

No it’s more money.

What happens when suboxone becomes deemed the new drug of choice fabricated crisis?
Think of ADD/ADHD medications, they’re a legal stimulant. Point blank.
It has its place and time as well. I having been diagnosed as a child at 7yrs old, as well as two of my children given the ADD/ADHD diagnosis beg to differ on its usage.

Back on subject..now what happens to those patients who are abruptly cut off Suboxone or Methadone or put on fast Suboxone or Methadone tapers then?

I believe one of the next “drug crisis” will be antidepressants.
Since that is what every doctor is pushing at the start of my appointments. And other chronic pain patients who are in physical, mental, emotional and financial crisis from being cut or tapered are FIRST offered.

Hmmmm I’m pretty sure I have a right to cry from the extensive timeframe and the amount of debilitating pain and the constant debilitating cognitive issues I live with now, that no one can answer, warrants high stress.
The clear attitude difference by doctors in my appointments tells me this is an issue as well.

I’m watching this shit show of a so called “opiate crisis” unfold before me.
I’ve seen a licensed mental health professional once a WEEK for 3 years who fully agrees that I am working through multiple extremely difficult issues. It’s expected to have dark moments trying to function under crisis, pain or trauma. I work through these issues without daily pharmaceutical medications that will only mask or numb the emotional (mental heath) experiences.
I highly recommend finding the right fit and finding a mental health therapist experienced in all areas you may have trauma. Childhood trauma not treated and consisting of:
emotional, mental, physical abuse and toxic family environments will follow into adulthood.

Those who find a way to work through these issues (mental heath therapy) and have the courage to face the extremely painful and difficult emotions, find peace and they heal. They learn to detach in a healthy way from those who actively contributed to and continue to contribute to negatively impact their lives.

At first, I didn’t feel like I had a choice. When in fact I did have a choice. I could have given up and not had the courage to face many past issues that come rushing back after coming off a medication that affects how the brain functions.
I will not give up. I will continue to heal and recover.
For me, I had to get the opiates out of my system to know fully understand what was happening to my body..unfortunately I believe Pandora’s box may have been opened medically.

Ironically, THAT was my fear.
I was terrified of suboxone withdrawals. Everything I had read, I would survive opiate withdrawals, and the acute intense pain should ease.

Suboxone, wasn’t as cut and dry cold turkey. Suboxone has 10X worse the withdrawals spoken by those going through this BEFORE the “opiate crisis” and BEFORE the inhumane drastic dosage cuts and fast tapers started.
This terrified me before this, now I’m terrified for others who have no idea what’s happening.

The issues I faced just prior to this so called “opiate crisis” were never addressed years ago.
2012 I was sent from primary dr to a pain clinic.

This is where the problem was created. More pain clinics went off incentives and half truths than most. Just look at all of the raids and closures of pain clinics across the country in the last few weeks alone..🤦🏼‍♀️

Remember that contract you signed as a pain clinic patient?
That essentially was you giving up your rights to speak against the Pain Clinic and how they did your pain management. If you said anything you were a “drug seeker” or you were warned, three strikes you’re out. No meds.

When in actuality, it was “misdiagnosed” opiate tolerance. This one is on the pain clinics hands.

So all of the patients who spoke out or became tolerant faster than others and felt more pain due to tolerance and requested more medication because they were in greater pain, they were the ones cut off and dismissed from the program..Guess who went to friends, family and the streets to get the only thing they knew to make their excruciating pain stop? (real and perceived pain) you guessed it, Anyone cut off opiates.
I also feel the cartel could see the demand and they jumped on a lucrative opportunity…welcome to carfentanyl.

I wonder how many people actually know the difference between Addiction and Dependence?

So who’s helping those contracted pain clinic patients who have been cut off or put on a fast taper?
Where is their mental health support? (God knows they’ll need it!) Where is the doctor to explain in detail what’s happening to them chemically and physically with longterm use?

Naw, It’s far more lucrative for those profiting from this and to have society believe everyone an addict I’ve learned…

~Lisa Lucking

https://youtu.be/Pou87CV5onw

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The Letter I’ll Never Send To My Ex….

So you decided to come over to talk with me. After a night of your sending me dick pictures and wanting to fuck me because you like fucking me and wanted to remind me of that. Then realizing immediately after that you shouldn’t have done that knowing how badly it hurts me while you shove all emotions aside.

I think it’s that moment of realizing and feeling  bad that gets me and makes me feel so strongly that there is hope for you. For us. Maybe it’s all a façade and I’m to unhealthy to fully comprehend it as such. So I keep hoping.

Only considering you feelings during sex and that instant gratification you get. Emotionless sex. You freely admit to it. That’s why you already found someone else to sleep with then push her to the side because you don’t want a relationship not realizing you’ve just started another. And that to will end awfully. Maybe not for you, but for her, another damaged soul by your lack of concern in another persons feelings. Just pushed them aside to satisfy your own needs for that moment. Heartbreaking.

I feel like I already know the answer to this huge puzzle. You won’t stop running. It’s far to painful. No matter what I show you, no matter how invested and loyal I am, you’ll keep running.

Hopefully once I start with my therapist and work though ending codependency I will stop hurting for something that will never exist between us. The narcissist will never change. He is “happy” in his vicious cycle. I have a chance and I will grow from this. I think in time I will let go of the strong desire to be a partner with you. God I hope so, I can’t continue to cry like this, my  mother’s death was as painful as this is for me. Yet you carry on stuffing emotions and being supplied by your inner circle of family and friends who will continue to tell you to stay on your path. Why wouldn’t they, you supply their needs as they supply yours.

Hours later I sit here and wish I could have realized all of this before you stopped wanting to try.. maybe it would have made a difference, maybe not. The worst part is I actually thought today, “What if we just slept together?” because I want to hold you and feel you in the way that I feel close to you..

Then I remind myself sex is just that, sex, to you. No emotional attachment for you. It makes me wonder if ever you attached any sort of emotion to our sex or was I just like any other woman you’ve had sex with, just an object? I guess I should have asked that. Because maybe like everything I’ve read tells me it’s impossible for you to have true emotions or connections…

****This letter was written about a month after I had been discarded by my narcissist. He never actually said our relationship  was over, he never talked about anything until a month later when I asked him to come over so I could say some things and get closure or an understanding. He just quit talking and he text to schedule picking up our son. I wasn’t calling him because at this point I was done unless he made a serious apology and his behavior changed. His actions proved as a month went by what his plan was all along and he had in fact secured a new supply months before he discarded me. This I found out later. For me from this point it was absolute hell emotionally. It took me three months to even breathe, to stop crying uncontrollably at any given moment. To try and make some sort of sense out of what just happened.. I will be posting soon to give a recap of what I have learned and what has happened in the past five months.

Stay tuned…..

 

 

 

 

The Devil’s Spawn Among Us…

Narcissist are literally Lucifer’s children living among us and ruining lives everywhere they turn as they carry on as if they are on top of the world and everything is perfect.

Yet the trail of their destruction is never ending and causes trauma in generations to last unless it is addressed and dealt with by family, friends and contacts. I just was researching articles as my 13yr old son. Who is living with his father due  to his not wanting to change school districts when I moved out four years ago. What my son doesn’t realize is that he has such a fear of something happening to his father if he isn’t around him and that is the main source of his anxiety. He needs to know where his father is at all times, calls him multiple times throughout the day out of fear. What is most terrifying is my son has said to me on numerous occasions, “Move back in with dad, I’ll make him stop, I’ll tell him he as to!!” It literally tears me apart because he doesn’t see how mentally unhealthy this thinking is. I keep telling him the only person who can change is his father. He lost his wife, he lost us as a family and that still wasn’t enough to stop him. I repeatedly had to remind him it is not his responsibility to fix his father and there is nothing he can do to change his behaviors and addictions. My son has gotten to the point of not even contacting me unless I initiate contact due to this other woman always at his house and he is afraid it will upset me. I have made it very clear my only focus is my relationship with him. I am not concerned with this other woman nor am I concerned with what his father does unless it effects him. Right now, the actions of his father are effecting my son. Severely unfortunately and it’s breaking my heart. Listening to the things my son says and his views towards me are sickening. They are sickening because he is being brainwashed by two narcissists. He was placing blame on me for our family not working out, because I left due to his fathers drinking. He felt I should just accept it, as his father and grandmother feel it’s my issue and my fault that I cannot “accept him for who he is.” I’m sorry I can no longer support a grown man who has no intentions on stopping this awful behavior and to continuously bring arguments and stress to the relationship due to his actions while drinking. I can no longer support a man who spends more time numbing his pain with alcohol, drugs and sex (multiple women) than owning up to and facing his issues. He is severely damaged due to his narcissistic mother, his alcoholic father, his mother abandoning him as a young child and being sexually assaulted by his babysitters as a young boy. These are issues I cannot fix. I have offered my never ending support if he were to seek help, I would have stood by his side through it all, yet he chose to abandon our relationship so he doesn’t have to deal with his demons. He started another relationship and left an awful disaster for us to deal with. I had no choice but to stop. I had to stop trying for the potential I could see in him. I had to stop believing in him because now my mental health is damaged along with my children’s mental health being damaged. It literally took four months of being away from him and dealing with his no contact and ice cold behavior to realize he never had any intentions of having a true relationship. Because he is not capable of dealing with his issues nor is he capable of changing them. Narcissist, alcoholic and sex addict.

When we were still dating/together I was able to have some sort of eye on what was going on at his house and protect my children because I was always over at his house. One of my  main fears by ending the relationship with their father was that I would no longer  be near them to protect them if I wasn’t dating him. Right now he has a breathalyzer in his truck. At the end of this month the whiskey plates come off all of the vehicles and this is when all hell is going to break loose. My ex will be putting the breathalyzer in his second vehicle and he will continue to drive his primary vehicle. Now is when he will have a few drinks or the next morning, when he claims he is just fine after a night of drinking, he will drive again. (he has a personal breathalyzer, which he had shown the kids while on a family vacation this past August, he blew a 0.10 the next morning.) I did not allow our 5yr old to attend this vacation as I knew what would happen in regards to the family and their drinking. I have been very clear with him that he will not drink around our 5yr old. He will push this boundary and he will not have me tell him what he can or cannot do. When he pushes the boundary I will not allow our son to go with him or be at his home. This is when the ex is going to get ugly and his mother will step in with their attorney. This is when the ex will threaten to or stop paying what he’s been paying for the past four years.  Our home, my truck and the cable/internet. What is sad is my 13yr son said, “You should be grateful he’s paying out of the kindness of his heart, you know he doesn’t have to do that.” This is when I made it understood that his father has a financial obligation for his children so in no way shape or form am I to be “grateful” he is doing these things. Along with the fact his father put me in a financial situation he knew I could not afford and that kept him in control. Which I didn’t see back then unfortunately. And the fact that my 13yr old son has this thought process is directly coming from the brainwashing by his father and grandmother. I have also made it known to my son that I am extremely concerned for his wellbeing and his mental health which our last conversation confirmed my fears.

Since I ended the relationship with my ex I’ve been able to see the whole picture and what really has been going on all these years. I have known the things my ex’s mother has said and done were not right though I tolerated her behavior for my ex. As I learn more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am literally terrified for my children! I see how my good intentions, trust, hope and wanting the best for my ex and us as a family were manipulated against me. I see now how a lot of things were red flags from the very beginning. I’m embarrassed I am now in this situation and that I brought children into this disaster. This breaks my heart more than anything.

I have been doing a lot of soul searching to try and understand how I got where I am and why I feel the way I do. Point blank my best intentions were used against me and I never saw it coming. This is such a twisted mindfuck of a situation and then you throw their wealth into the mix, along with his narcissistic controlling mother and I’m not completely sure where to begin. I do know that a lot of the documenting I have been doing over the past few years was my knowing something wasn’t right. I also know this is what will make it clearer to the abuse that has been taking place for so many years. My children do not need to learn about this in the way I have. Through years of struggling, heartache and pain. It isn’t supposed to be this confusing.

I understand now that my childhood absolutely affected my life, my thoughts and my actions in my adulthood. I was always at such a loss for why the opposite of what I wanted in a relationship was always happening. I see now it’s by my accepting disrespect that these relationships failed. Because I grew up in such chaos I unknowingly seemed to seek out relationships that mimicked my childhood. I accepted horrible behavior as love. Love does not hurt. Love is not harmful. Love is kind, patient and love is unconditional. This I now understand. I also felt the need to help everyone every time anyone had a problem. I was the first in line to help them. Never once have I stepped back and said, “I can’t help them.” or “It is not my job to help them.” Until now.

I am now focusing on my needs and what I need to do to break this awful cycle of abuse. I no longer allow others to disrespect me, degrade me, control me or belittle me. I no longer try and “save” or “fix” others.  I understand if  I want to help others my best option is to focus on a career in helping others. A career in helping others will be a great way for me to still be supportive to others and to give them the proper tools to help themselves. In addition to becoming  financially stable for myself and my children which is something I desperately need to accomplish.

I wrote this a couple months ago and I have a lot more to write about though I felt this needed to be published also. I have to say this has been one incredible and unbelievable journey!

 

Loving a narcissist, unconditionally, cost me my everything-

I had lived the past 22yrs in a relationship, that not until ending it 5mos ago, seeking therapy and educating myself, have I realized how my codependent/narcissistic relationship had transpired. How I ended up where I am today. Finally healing!🙌🏻

Photography by Amanda Lee

He lied- and I forgave. He cheated and I forgave- He missed Christenings of his own children and I forgave- He missed birthdays and I forgave- Then, after finally going to court for child support and he started missing his every other weekends, I forgave- Why? Why did I let this one man do me and my kids so much harm? Now that I look back, he struck when i was hot- He struck when I was golden, He struck when I was on top of the world- When I had the world by the balls he came- he begged me for my attention, begged me to give him another chance- begged me to make his family work- And instead of being the strong, independent woman I have always been, and instead of saying no way- you don’t deserve me..I said ok. I was so close to moving on with…

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We all have an expiration date with a Narcissist! Understanding the attachment to a Narcissist! The denial and cognitive dissonance that distorts our normal reality.

Almost every target/victim that has been abused by a Narcissist goes through a long and arduous period of emotional denial. The denial is based on the emotional connection (love) because a target/v…

Source: We all have an expiration date with a Narcissist! Understanding the attachment to a Narcissist! The denial and cognitive dissonance that distorts our normal reality.

You, Yourself and You (2 min read) — The Millionaire’s Digest

Written by Millionaire’s Digest Staff Member: Franci Hoffman Founder & Owner of: Amanpan Millionaire’s Digest Staff Team, Author, Successful Living Writer You need to get a grip.You can start by taking it one step at a time. If things in your life seem overwhelming, take small steps toward making your life more manageable. Understand and trust […]

via You, Yourself and You (2 min read) — The Millionaire’s Digest

Narcissist And The Last Match…

I’m done crying and I am done trying. I am done listening to the narcissist’s constant spew of ever flowing lies. It’s making more and more sense.. The lies, the twisting and the debilitating way he preys on my kindness and understanding with no remorse, guilt or admission. He moves on to his next victim as he entertains and dances his grandiose version only he thinks of himself and which he tries to portray to his children and closest enablers. The selfishness in hurting your own children in this manor should be an act punishable by law. It clearly is child endangerment, mental harm and setting them up for a life of disillusion, confusion and trauma and ultimately recovery or a life of hell.

Yet nothing will be done. They will fall through the cracks of our intensely messed up society and continue a life long trail of harm. Because there is ALWAYS another victim to replace you. Always.

Ultimately a breech of contract within our own ten commandments surly punishable for an after life in hell with their father, Lucifer.

How does one wrap their head around this calculated and masterminded torture that starts from the very moment you fall for their false persona? How does one make sense of this? Educate yourself, take a look at yourself and if you see you are always hurting in your relationship with occasional bouts of happiness with someone. If you keep changing to make things work yet it’s never enough and there is always a higher bar, always just out of reach and never acknowledged. If you are a positive and optimistic person who is pulled down constantly by their negativity. If  you find yourself believing in their potential more than they do, yet that doesn’t come to light until they no longer can suck anymore  life out of you or when they see you’re catching on and standing up for yourself. Then, you are no longer any good to them and they will leave you. Then you look back and you see it’s been years in the making. You wonder how in the hell all of this happened?

It happens because you are a kind, loving, emotional, giving and positive human being with a soul. That’s why they seek you out. If you lived in a toxic environment growing up infused with alcoholism, mental and physical abuse you are a target. Don’t second guess yourself. Ever. You are the target. It will change your life more than you could ever even possibly visualize or fathom. Until the day the relationship ends and you see how quickly they move on to the next victim as though you are absolutely nothing to them.

They get you to go through a phase where you are trying to explain how you know what’s happening, you bargain to work with a counselor because you dove in so deep educating, trying to find a reason for the constant chaos, then you realize it was their plan all along. They sense your coming to terms and they start to retreat. They surround themselves in the company of their enablers and reclaim their pedestal. Abandoning you. If you’ve been set up over a long period of time you may be so invested, financially it will take everything in your power to be released from their grip. You can and you will. You are fighting for your life now.

Life shattering.

This is the only way I can explain this new found information. How it all comes together to  make perfect sense in it’s true timing. Do not and I repeat DO NOT think poorly of yourself for falling into this awful trap. It’s extremely deceiving and you really are being preyed on for your gift of empathy, your caring, honest and loving personality. DO NOT change this about yourself! Be single until you have dealt with the damage, processed and moved forward from it. You need to make sure you don’t fall for this again! I see all of the red flags looking backwards now.. I see all of the “hooks” he used to keep me constantly hoping for a partnership and family life. It would never happen this I have now learned.

I will not allow myself to be in this type of relationship ever  again. That means my eyes are wide open, my lessons have been learned and I will conquer my past blind mistakes. I am using my pain to push me forward.  I am finally standing up for myself. I was traumatized throughout my childhood and into my adult years by my own blood. I trusted in them to not hurt me. I learned from a very young age and by their teachings on what love is..

THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!!! THIS IS NOT LOVE!!!

This is what you do. You pick yourself back up, you dust yourself off and straighten that crown! You distance yourself as much as possible from them. Mark my words, if you don’t, they will pull you back in and play off your emotions, trust, heartbreak and pain. They are testing their boundaries with you. They will lie to you, they will guilt you and they make you feel like they want the same out of the relationship. When in fact they don’t want anywhere near the same as you. They are so emotionally dead inside they are not able or capable to love. They are so weak and damaged and they will never ever do anything to change it! They are content moving from one victim to the next and never having to face their demons. They will never see their wrongdoings nor will they ever fully admit to them. I fell for the partial smoke screen admittance, don’t do it! They will eat you alive if you let them.

Physically, I can feel the burning flames and see the clouds of smoke, smoldering around me that I am left and abandoned in and struggling to breathe. Holding onto my children for dear life, giving them any ounce of oxygen I have left to give. He casually walks away, as if to have thrown the final match, never once turning back for even a glimpse. A glimpse would mean he has feelings, emotion or empathy. He is dead inside. He has not an ounce of emotion for others let alone for himself. It’s “His way or the highway.” He walks away from the burning flames and into the arms of the new embers he has so delicately and meticulously cared for in preparation to throwing that final match.

He goes on, never looking back and never having any regrets…for now.

 

Remember this…

Actions truly speak louder than words. And this goes for ourselves and others.

Everything we think we have stuffed or buried within ourselves or ran from will catch up to us…one day it will ALL catch up!

 

 

 

So Fucking Tired Of Crying…

When will this stop?! Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! So my ex came by  yesterday so we could talk and I could get some bit of closure. That actually was really good. Now mind you the night prior he was drunk sending me dick pictures wanting to fuck me more than anything. Yet we managed to just talk, nothing more, when he came over yesterday. It was so bittersweet, relieving and saddening all in one. I think the hardest part was when I gave him a hug and our five year old son came running over and said, “Group hug!!!!” And it was the longest and quietest hug ever.. Then last night he text me, “I never want to hurt you. I want you to know that.” So of course I respond and then we get into texting and then he decides to call me. So we are talking, which I can tell he’s had a couple drinks, and it feels like he’s trying to understand things and explain his feelings then suddenly I hear our 13 year old in the background say, “Is Emily still here?”

Ok, hold the fuck up! I said, “Was Emily just there?” And he began to tell me yes they went and had a few drinks and he couldn’t take it any longer and told them all to leave including her. I seriously was in awe that he would have gotten away with this if I hadn’t heard our older son in the background. (whole other issue already bringing a woman around our very deeply troubled thirteen year old) Now mind you this is the woman his “great” helping friends, set him up with a month after we broke up, to help him. These are not healthy friends that is no wonder I didn’t care for most especially this couple! Now I know this man and he ain’t doing anything other than trying to get laid to feed his needs. He doesn’t want a relationship (he isn’t capable of a true relationship) and I told him well he’s started one by fucking her! Here is my problem, I know this and I understand how fucked up he is and how damaged he is yet I still am in love with him, I still want him to seek help to be healthy and quit running and stuffing his pain. That is fucked up! My God..

I decided to be blunt in my writing of this because I know I need help. Just because I understand his pain doesn’t mean I should not allow him to hurt me. Or expect me to be accepting of this type of behavior. Yes, he sent her away and yes he called me. He shouldn’t even THINK of being with another woman if he wanted me and all of me! I could care less about her because I know she’s going to get hurt. If she doesn’t see it now, soon she will. Maybe she will be fine with it like I was for so long who knows. I do know he  will shove her aside because he doesn’t want a relationship with anyone but me yet we can’t figure out why it’s always a constant battle. Actually I’ve figured it out. He wants to get away with not facing his demons and taking it out on me. And he chooses the decisions he has. Not me.

Guess what? I know why it is! Because I allow him to walk the fuck all over me! That’s why! So why in the fuck can I not stop the constant flow of fucking tears..

Actions speak louder than words. Actions speak louder than words. I have this everywhere in my house for a reminder to myself along with a plethora of other positive and inspirational sayings to drill it into my head I DESERVE BETTER DAMN IT!!!!!!

It’s the 22 years of going through hell and back together, he’s always been there up until now, through all of the dedication and changes I’ve made over the past five years hurt the most. I was working so hard for our relationship.. I was no angel I’ll tell you that right now. I didn’t act appropriately when his drinking hurt me ten years ago. In return I hurt him. Which I learned I would never in my life do to another human being again. I am strong enough to speak my feelings now. Or leave the relationship if it’s toxic. (Trust me, I’m very aware and will be extremely cautious when the time comes to get involved in another relationship. For now and some time I’m just focusing on myself, my children and our health and happiness.)

I’ve learned so much yet I feel I’m still so far from understanding it all at the same time.

Why am I crying?

Because I know deep down he’s a good man in a tremendous amount of pain. Because it was not all bad. Not at all. Just that the bad was so hurtful to me I would shut down or get angry. Because everything feels like it was for nothing and I feel like it wasn’t supposed to end up this way. Oh God please give me strength right now. Please make these tears go away. I feel like my heart is being ripped out right before my eyes..

I’m finding a therapist as soon as the week is over because I need to work on me that is for sure. I see and know that if a man truly loves you they would never inflict this horrendous amount of pain on me. I know this. But the tears don’t stop.

See already just writing this out, seeing it in front of me brings clarity, that I need help. And it makes the anger towards him come back and the tears stop for the moment.

I fucking hate this. I knew it would be hard leaving just as I knew staying would be hard. I hate knowing there is a part of him, inside there somewhere deep down, that he doesn’t want us to end. I hate knowing he chooses unhealthy addictions to “deal” with his pain. We both had such traumatic childhoods that it set us up for this type of relationship without fully realizing it.

He told me something new last night about his childhood and I feel like he knows he can confide in me, yet now I wonder is it just another ploy to keep me hanging on? This is killing me inside.

The positive that I have learned is for once in my life I actually enjoy being alone in the physical sense. I hate he and I are not going to make it to the happily ever after, yet I don’t want to run out and get involved in any way with someone new. I know I need to make sure I am healed and know how to stick to healthy boundaries or walk away. I know I can’t fix others yet it’s in my nature to be a caregiver. That is also what bonds me to my ex. I know every single aspect of his life and I just want to see him happy yet I have sacrificed myself in the process which is not healthy. And I will not repeat this in the next relationship.

It’s interesting because I wrote the above paragraphs three days ago..

My prayer’s once again have been answered. I feel stronger than ever and the tears have been at bay. The second I get the inkling that I may get choked up, I stop and remind myself this:

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS, ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS!!!!!!

It instantly makes me look at the reality of it and I’m back to being strong for ME. I see how badly I’ve been suffering in pain and he isn’t there. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, he isn’t here for me, in a loving and respectful relationship way.

That isn’t love.

He cares about me and is concerned for our son and I in the way of financially making sure we are safe and have a roof over our heads. For that I am grateful.

Actions speak louder than words….